Not logging in as much as before

[nihilistic_dragon]

I used to come to this forum every single day, sometimes multiple times a day. Lately I haven't felt the urge to do that. Not sure why, not much has changed, I am still depressed af, still do not want to exist.

I've just been ignoring my ctb situation as a whole it seems. I've blocked it out of my mind mostly. The truth is, I am a walking corpse. Often I don't even bother hiding my sadness anymore when I am in public. I am just a grump most of the time.

I am frustrated that I do not have a method that's to my liking readily available to me. I've always wanted to die in my sleep. I just cringe when I consider methods other than N, and yet it is so hard to obtain.

A friend let me borrow a keyboard. I feel somewhat alive when I play it, I have really missed having one. Sometimes I wonder if it is possible for me to stop wanting to ctb, to become completely alive once again. But I also wonder what that would achieve. An existence without meaning does not satisfy me. Problems never end.

 

[Worndown]

Taking a break or lowering time here is ok. Do what works best for you.
On bad days, we are here.
On good days, we will know you are ok.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I'm pretty similar in this regard. Been here for a good while, but I pretty much have "bursts" where I will come on and reply or react for a while and then disappear for a good while.

Much like yourself I feel mostly dead inside, but I still engage with things that (somewhat) help distract me from just life in general.

There's no shame in anything you said. It's all part of the process of ideation and deep depression.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

Much like yourself I feel mostly dead inside, but I still engage with things that (somewhat) help distract me from just life in general.

I hear that....I feel like my entire life I've been distracting myself from the reality because of trauma. And now that I am so deeply depressed I find that the things that used to serve as a good distraction don't do that for me anymore.