Venting not good

[Lavínia]

Today they said I do my job well, that I'm a source of pride for the company. People are liking me. It seems like a lie. She said how I always try to take more chats. Lately I've been avoiding them. She said how I always find things to do. Lately I've been taking fewer things. She said how much I care and try hard for clients. Lately I've forgotten about almost everyone and put in little effort. Can they see me? It's all a lie, I'm just an image. And to break this illusion, a client came back last night reporting a mistake, and I'll have to apologize to him tomorrow. I want to scream so much, I want to fall so much. This is all I have, I can't have anything else, just this damn job and I'm ruining everything. Don't kill me, I'm in a hell of a fight not to die, so please don't kill me, just a little more is what I always ask for.
We've scheduled my vacation, most of it will be in October. I chose the month and day thinking about my suicide, I chose October 8th next year some time ago. It's not the same year, but it's similar, I could advance. I can't die, there's a lot that depends on me, but the option of being selfish, of it losing its value and being disregarded with a simple "sorry" in a message or a letter, is very comfortable.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Today they said I do my job well, that I'm a source of pride for the company. People are liking me. It seems like a lie. She said how I always try to take more chats. Lately I've been avoiding them. She said how I always find things to do. Lately I've been taking fewer things. She said how much I care and try hard for clients. Lately I've forgotten about almost everyone and put in little effort. Can they see me? It's all a lie, I'm just an image. And to break this illusion, a client came back last night reporting a mistake, and I'll have to apologize to him tomorrow. I want to scream so much, I want to fall so much. This is all I have, I can't have anything else, just this damn job and I'm ruining everything. Don't kill me, I'm in a hell of a fight not to die, so please don't kill me, just a little more is what I always ask for.
We've scheduled my vacation, most of it will be in October. I chose the month and day thinking about my suicide, I chose October 8th next year some time ago. It's not the same year, but it's similar, I could advance. I can't die, there's a lot that depends on me, but the option of being selfish, of it losing its value and being disregarded with a simple "sorry" in a message or a letter, is very comfortable.

I have a feeling you're being too harsh on yourself. If they see what you're doing and say you're doing well, surely that's a good sign, right? They gain nothing from lying to you about that.