Venting not good

[Lavínia]

Today they said I do my job well, that I'm a source of pride for the company. People are liking me. It seems like a lie. She said how I always try to take more chats. Lately I've been avoiding them. She said how I always find things to do. Lately I've been taking fewer things. She said how much I care and try hard for clients. Lately I've forgotten about almost everyone and put in little effort. Can they see me? It's all a lie, I'm just an image. And to break this illusion, a client came back last night reporting a mistake, and I'll have to apologize to him tomorrow. I want to scream so much, I want to fall so much. This is all I have, I can't have anything else, just this damn job and I'm ruining everything. Don't kill me, I'm in a hell of a fight not to die, so please don't kill me, just a little more is what I always ask for.
We've scheduled my vacation, most of it will be in October. I chose the month and day thinking about my suicide, I chose October 8th next year some time ago. It's not the same year, but it's similar, I could advance. I can't die, there's a lot that depends on me, but the option of being selfish, of it losing its value and being disregarded with a simple "sorry" in a message or a letter, is very comfortable.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Today they said I do my job well, that I'm a source of pride for the company. People are liking me. It seems like a lie. She said how I always try to take more chats. Lately I've been avoiding them. She said how I always find things to do. Lately I've been taking fewer things. She said how much I care and try hard for clients. Lately I've forgotten about almost everyone and put in little effort. Can they see me? It's all a lie, I'm just an image. And to break this illusion, a client came back last night reporting a mistake, and I'll have to apologize to him tomorrow. I want to scream so much, I want to fall so much. This is all I have, I can't have anything else, just this damn job and I'm ruining everything. Don't kill me, I'm in a hell of a fight not to die, so please don't kill me, just a little more is what I always ask for.
We've scheduled my vacation, most of it will be in October. I chose the month and day thinking about my suicide, I chose October 8th next year some time ago. It's not the same year, but it's similar, I could advance. I can't die, there's a lot that depends on me, but the option of being selfish, of it losing its value and being disregarded with a simple "sorry" in a message or a letter, is very comfortable.

I have a feeling you're being too harsh on yourself. If they see what you're doing and say you're doing well, surely that's a good sign, right? They gain nothing from lying to you about that.

 

[webb&flow]

People can certainly misunderstand us and our emotions, but... have you considered the possibility she might be simply being honest?

 

[Lavínia]

People can certainly misunderstand us and our emotions, but... have you considered the possibility she might be simply being honest?

about the positive things she said? I don't get it. Even now, there is so much potential, some even do a job and have a dedication a thousand times greater than mine, and she and my manager praise me more. I create a image, that's why, the moment I gain conscious. When you hide, when you are in so much agony that you prefer to lock away any enmity, and only show kindness and care as a means to not die, even if you don't genuinely feel it, people will embrace that image. Because it is beautiful, and it pleases them, even if it is obvious and weak. Even if the result is smaller, simpler and shallower than really hard-working and talented people. I can only think in this reason, her intention is honest, but it seems like a lie, because it's not what I feel, it's not what I do, it's what she and others think. That's all.

 

[webb&flow]

I understand how you feel conflicted about people showing affection towards your trauma-response. I may not be able to understand everything here, but I just want to say that if I had the chance to, I wish I could offer you a hug right now, to ease all your feelings. I wish you are able to feel healing, my friend. Please take care, as much as everything allows. <3