Not feeling suicidal enough

[classic literature]

Hey, before i start, apologies, English is not my first language.

I have been having these suicidal thoughts for about 2 months now. I was convinced that I will drown myself like 3 weeks before, but my si kicked in and here I am.

But the issue is that I don't feel suicidal enough now to the point that i will attempt and makes me really sad that I may have wasted my only chance on that day.How can I make myself actively suicidal again?

I am suffering from ocd and depression, but the main reason for my desire to end this life is the meaninglessness of it, like
Nothing matters, I was not brought into this world with my permission. I don't want to exist in this miserable existence any longer and it is my right to choose how and when I die. I'm 28 btw.

 

[Dingusguy]

I'm sorry to hear what you've went through and being stopped by si has to be one of the worst feelings.

I'm not comfotable helping you feel more suicidal actively but if it is any consolation I hope you find a way to make the days easier on you as you go on, maybe even find a reason to exist. And I am sorry that what I have written is likely entirely unhelpful but I hope it didn't make your day worse at least.

 

[Aflame5926]

But the issue is that I don't feel suicidal enough now to the point that i will attempt and makes me really sad that I may have wasted my only chance on that day.How can I make myself actively suicidal again?

sorry, but also what Dingusguy think that apply for most of us.

we will be here when saying good bye. we will support the descision you make regardless. but pushing you to a descision like this is making us probally responsible.
no way josey.

welcome to the place tho. probally not the brightest place but its a place

 

[classic literature]

Thanks for the reply.

I'm hoping I get to that point again, cause it's really so hard to exist every single day.I had opened up about my suicidal tendencies to my closest family but it had made me more suicidal at that time because of the absence of urgency and empathy in their response. Like how they couldn't find time for me from their silly commitments to be with me, they even made excuses based on their commitments! So i have decided not to seek help from them again. I have tried medications and doctors. None of them had answers for me. None of them could justify why i should exist.