Venting Not feeling so good.

[Anxieyote]

I am sorry for being obtuse, but something is going on with me mentally. It's just not getting better, guys. It's hard to express this very well to anyone, but everyone on this forum has a better chance of understanding what I am trying to convey.

To put it simply, I feel on the inside how a soldier who has just been riddled with bullets feels on the outside. They know death is arriving soon, and whether they want to accept it or not—the bullet wounds don't lie.

The thought of dying is horrifying in a way that I can't describe. I don't know what comes after death; and as much as I've speculated about it on the forum over the years (it is a "peaceful sleep", there will be angels to escort me to a better place, etc.) I truly don't fucking know what's going to happen.

I want to take someone with me and hold their hand while I "preview" death and come to terms with what it is and how it feels. But I can't. I will die scared and alone.

This is wrong. I will never forgive the powers that be for bringing me here without having peaceful death options; without being able to livestream to my loved ones as I die; without being able to hold someone's hand as I go because they will be charged as a fucking criminal. It's agonizing to think that I will have to die alone, in my lonely apartment, by myself. My face flushes white as a ghost just thinking of it.

I daydream about reaching out and touching all of your hands as I go. Everyone I met on SaSu having a grip on my forearm before I die saying "I'm with you, and it's ok. You're going to be fine."

I haven't had any real friends for a long time, and the closest thing I have are the users here, and one Discord friend who means the world to me, but does not understand the gravity of how I feel.

I have to go soon, and I'm so scared. But something has to give. The life I am living now is starting to resemble a nightmare, and death is the only way I know how to remove myself from it entirely.

Please God, please help me. Please give me the courage to do it soon because I don't know where else it is going to come from. Please give me a heavenly sign, please tell me that you have a place waiting for me in heaven. I'm so scared, and I need you. I need you to escort me into the kingdom of heaven, please send someone. Please send an angel to help me because I can't do this by myself.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I'm sorry for the way things are. It sounds truly awful to me what you have to feel, experience and go through. I wish I could hold someone's hand as they go without being charged too.

I think you will go to a good place when you're gone, as all good people should.

 

[Julgran]

I am sorry for being obtuse, but something is going on with me mentally. It's just not getting better, guys. It's hard to express this very well to anyone, but everyone on this forum has a better chance of understanding what I am trying to convey.

To put it simply, I feel on the inside how a soldier who has just been riddled with bullets feels on the outside. They know death is arriving soon, and whether they want to accept it or not—the bullet wounds don't lie.

The thought of dying is horrifying in a way that I can't describe. I don't know what comes after death; and as much as I've speculated about it on the forum over the years (it is a "peaceful sleep", there will be angels to escort me to a better place, etc.) I truly don't fucking know what's going to happen.

I want to take someone with me and hold their hand while I "preview" death and come to terms with what it is and how it feels. But I can't. I will die scared and alone.

This is wrong. I will never forgive the powers that be for bringing me here without having peaceful death options; without being able to livestream to my loved ones as I die; without being able to hold someone's hand as I go because they will be charged as a fucking criminal. It's agonizing to think that I will have to die alone, in my lonely apartment, by myself. My face flushes white as a ghost just thinking of it.

I daydream about reaching out and touching all of your hands as I go. Everyone I met on SaSu having a grip on my forearm before I die saying "I'm with you, and it's ok. You're going to be fine."

I haven't had any real friends for a long time, and the closest thing I have are the users here, and one Discord friend who means the world to me, but does not understand the gravity of how I feel.

I have to go soon, and I'm so scared. But something has to give. The life I am living now is starting to resemble a nightmare, and death is the only way I know how to remove myself from it entirely.

Please God, please help me. Please give me the courage to do it soon because I don't know where else it is going to come from. Please give me a heavenly sign, please tell me that you have a place waiting for me in heaven. I'm so scared, and I need you. I need you to escort me into the kingdom of heaven, please send someone. Please send an angel to help me because I can't do this by myself.

You could think of all the loved ones whom you may already have lost to death - like family members, friends, or people whom you may have looked up to, such as celebrities - they all died and are waiting for you, or at least you will be void of space and time together

Life was always supposed to end - at one time or another. You could see it as the best book - or the worst one - and now the story is done, and it's time to put the book on the shelf.

 

[jodes2]

I'm so sorry you're struggling *hugs* we're here with you whatever you decide

 

[HateMyPointlessLife]

I'm so sorry you have to feel this way. It sounds horrible. I can relate. Every day is torture. And I just want it to end. But I'm scared too. And I don't want to have to be alone. I hope there is a better place.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life really can be so cruel and horrific. I hope that you find freedom from your suffering for when the time is right for you to leave. Nobody should have to die alone if that is what they want, it's such an unfair world which forces people to die lonely deaths .

 

[rationaltake]

I'm so sad you've reached this point. You're an amazing person and I've been inspired by some of your posts. You shouldn't be alone. In a strange way I feel that being on here frees us from the body and can sometimes allow us to communicate essence to essence. Soul to soul. I'm sending you pure energy and connection. I hope you can breathe quietly and achieve calm and clarity.

 

[Littlewittlelight]

I am sorry for being obtuse, but something is going on with me mentally. It's just not getting better, guys. It's hard to express this very well to anyone, but everyone on this forum has a better chance of understanding what I am trying to convey.

To put it simply, I feel on the inside how a soldier who has just been riddled with bullets feels on the outside. They know death is arriving soon, and whether they want to accept it or not—the bullet wounds don't lie.

The thought of dying is horrifying in a way that I can't describe. I don't know what comes after death; and as much as I've speculated about it on the forum over the years (it is a "peaceful sleep", there will be angels to escort me to a better place, etc.) I truly don't fucking know what's going to happen.

I want to take someone with me and hold their hand while I "preview" death and come to terms with what it is and how it feels. But I can't. I will die scared and alone.

This is wrong. I will never forgive the powers that be for bringing me here without having peaceful death options; without being able to livestream to my loved ones as I die; without being able to hold someone's hand as I go because they will be charged as a fucking criminal. It's agonizing to think that I will have to die alone, in my lonely apartment, by myself. My face flushes white as a ghost just thinking of it.

I daydream about reaching out and touching all of your hands as I go. Everyone I met on SaSu having a grip on my forearm before I die saying "I'm with you, and it's ok. You're going to be fine."

I haven't had any real friends for a long time, and the closest thing I have are the users here, and one Discord friend who means the world to me, but does not understand the gravity of how I feel.

I have to go soon, and I'm so scared. But something has to give. The life I am living now is starting to resemble a nightmare, and death is the only way I know how to remove myself from it entirely.

Please God, please help me. Please give me the courage to do it soon because I don't know where else it is going to come from. Please give me a heavenly sign, please tell me that you have a place waiting for me in heaven. I'm so scared, and I need you. I need you to escort me into the kingdom of heaven, please send someone. Please send an angel to help me because I can't do this by myself.

Yote sorry that you are going through this I don't know you completely but I felt when we were there for a while I am sorry I don't have a lot to say as we were just there but only one thing for you I hope you find peace in something whatever it is that's it and the pain you were in today because of random strangers who don't even care I am sorry I feel people just keep others without realising I just hope atleast this feeling passes and you could feel a lil better. That was really hurtful,yote.

 

[makethepainstop]

Sometimes life seems to be a contest of suffering and pain.

 

[SarRy]

I think I know this feeling. I may not know when. I may not even understand why. But, I can't help but to think that I know what is coming and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
We all die alone for we die our own deaths.
Letters From Iwo Jima - Death of General Kuribayashi
If you watch this scene, from the movie, then I think you will appreciate how it shows a similar situation with feeling and gravitas.

 

[foreverfalling]

I love your analogy of the soldier riddled with bullet wounds. Everyone is telling him it's ok, he'll make it, but he knows what's up.

Yeah I'd be there holding your hand while you go if I could. I hope you'll be able to get over your fears, just think about the peace when it's all over.