Help Nonstop Intrusive Thoughts Of Suicide

[Arin]

I'm planning to CTB sometime in the near future but I'm not sure I'm going to live long enough to do it properly due to nonstop, constant, intrusive thoughts of suicide. I fucking hate my brain; it doesn't let me think of anything else and any time I try to distract myself my thoughts just go back to this.

I go for a jog through a local town? Throw yourself under the wheels of that tractor.

Walking in a nearby wood trying to stay calm? Jump into that frozen river to submerge and drown yourself.

Visit the city and have a stroll there? Find the highest building and throw yourself off of it.

Decide to stay home and cook a nice lunch? Use the kitchen knives to cut yourself open and bleed out.

Go to a place where there aren't any reasonable methods? Fine, just fucking bludgeon your head in on the side of the pavement.

No matter where I go, no matter what I do, all my thoughts go back to finding a way to kill myself and fantasising living it out. I imagine what it would be like, feel an immense sense of relief at the nothingness I know will happen to me by the end of it, then end up hating myself even more for not being able to carry it out. I'm too much of a fucking coward to do anything spontaneous.

My last few weeks have been hell and I'm overworked and stressed out of my fucking mind and I have so many past deadlines and missed projects, and ALL I CAN FUCKING THINK ABOUT IS SUICIDE. Probably one of the only things holding me back is the fact that I don't want my final days to be this goddamn nightmarish, constantly darkened by isolation and stress and self hatred, I want to be AT PEACE when I finally leave.

So, is there any way to stop this? I'm past the point of no return in regard to whether or not I want to CTB, but I just want to stop thinking about it nonstop. It's not helping in the slightest and is only adding more unnecessary stress onto an already hellish situation. I've started having vivid hallucinations due to a lack of sleep and that, in combination with the intrusive thoughts, have really driven me to a breaking point and I'm afraid.

 

[NonEssential]

Same. Whenever I go for a walk and for example see ladders on the side of apartment buildings, I just think to myself "I could probably climb up there if I really needed to" or "would the fall from up there be fatal?"

 

[squidsponge]

what about going the psychiatric medication route?
My intrusive thoughts have started up again and I'm considering this

 

[Shadows From Hell]

I go through it too. Every time I see something, I wonder how to kill myself, no matter how stupid the object may be.

 

[_Maya]

Yeah, it's been the same with me. Even when i sleep, i have a lot of dreams of me committing ctb in different ways.

 

[Arin]

what about going the psychiatric medication route?
My intrusive thoughts have started up again and I'm considering this

Not an option unfortunately. I wish I had this choice but trying to seek out treatment would only make things worse than they already are. I'd probably end up closer to suicide than I already am. Good luck to you though, if you're considering this route.

 

[SunriseParabellum]

Might sound like a weird question, but do you have your means/plan figured out? I used to have similar problems, I'd hit borderline panic attacks thinking "I have to find a way to end it" over and over again but once I got my means of doing it and figured out roughly what I'm gonna do, they settled down a lot and I could start to focus more on things I have to do because I know at any point I'm ready to go.
I hope you're able to find that peace you're looking for, be it my way or your own. All the best

 

[Arin]

Might sound like a weird question, but do you have your means/plan figured out? I used to have similar problems, I'd hit borderline panic attacks thinking "I have to find a way to end it" over and over again but once I got my means of doing it and figured out roughly what I'm gonna do, they settled down a lot and I could start to focus more on things I have to do because I know at any point I'm ready to go.
I hope you're able to find that peace you're looking for, be it my way or your own. All the best

I've got a noose already tied in my room which I know I could use, but last time I attempted, I couldn't find a suitable place to hang myself from in my room, so that didn't work out. I just ended up half-conscious, since I could still breathe, and it wasn't doing anything except for hurting. It's one of the main reasons I'm not dead right now, since I don't have access to many methods that could actually work. I don't know if my situation regarding my access to methods is helping or hurting me, to be honest. Thanks for trying to help, I hope you find the peace you're looking for too.

 

[onthefence]

I'm planning to CTB sometime in the near future but I'm not sure I'm going to live long enough to do it properly due to nonstop, constant, intrusive thoughts of suicide. I fucking hate my brain; it doesn't let me think of anything else and any time I try to distract myself my thoughts just go back to this.

I go for a jog through a local town? Throw yourself under the wheels of that tractor.

Walking in a nearby wood trying to stay calm? Jump into that frozen river to submerge and drown yourself.

Visit the city and have a stroll there? Find the highest building and throw yourself off of it.

Decide to stay home and cook a nice lunch? Use the kitchen knives to cut yourself open and bleed out.

Go to a place where there aren't any reasonable methods? Fine, just fucking bludgeon your head in on the side of the pavement.

No matter where I go, no matter what I do, all my thoughts go back to finding a way to kill myself and fantasising living it out. I imagine what it would be like, feel an immense sense of relief at the nothingness I know will happen to me by the end of it, then end up hating myself even more for not being able to carry it out. I'm too much of a fucking coward to do anything spontaneous.

My last few weeks have been hell and I'm overworked and stressed out of my fucking mind and I have so many past deadlines and missed projects, and ALL I CAN FUCKING THINK ABOUT IS SUICIDE. Probably one of the only things holding me back is the fact that I don't want my final days to be this goddamn nightmarish, constantly darkened by isolation and stress and self hatred, I want to be AT PEACE when I finally leave.

So, is there any way to stop this? I'm past the point of no return in regard to whether or not I want to CTB, but I just want to stop thinking about it nonstop. It's not helping in the slightest and is only adding more unnecessary stress onto an already hellish situation. I've started having vivid hallucinations due to a lack of sleep and that, in combination with the intrusive thoughts, have really driven me to a breaking point and I'm afraid.

I wish I had an answer for you….

Walking in the park (with my therapist) lol.. looking for anchor points in the trees.

Working- look out the window, I could jump off that parking garage even though I know it's not high enough.

Walking across the street- don't just step into traffic, it won't be effective and you shouldn't include anyone else.

Driving- I could just let the car drift into that semi.

In a work meeting looking for anchor points out the window.

Exercising- looking for anchor points in the gym, thinking about jumping off the elevated track.

If you find a good answer let me know. These thoughts waste so much time and energy that I could be devoting to figuring out my CTB plan. Meds haven't helped and one of them almost made me impulsively CTB.