Years ago I tried to go out in a blaze of glory. I was prevented from doing so. Tried to gas myself with carbon mono. Tried a test run in the afternoon with my car and a hose. Was working fine. Plenty of exhaust. Tons of it. That night I got drunk, went to the car, turned on the ignition. Nothing. The car was running but no exhaust. Flummoxed, I tried the tub and cutting my wrists. No blood. Tried hanging myself. Fell out of the noose three times. Finally gave up. Very strange things had been happening up to then anyway. Had distinct feeling I was being watched, monitored. no guarantee I would have succeeded anyway, I'm not terribly competent in general. But this was more than that. Couldn't figure out for the longest time what went wrong. Until I discovered Nick Bostrom. Click. Became obvious that this, the world, universe, me is artificial, a simulation of some sort. The simulation, computer, whatever, wanted me alive for some reason. Why? Haven't a clue. I'm nobody special. Test, experiment, video game? My best guess for now is that I am part of the entertainment. Don't know why again. I am not an interesting person in the least. But I do torment easily. Anyone else have a similar experience?
Bone
Sad Sack
- Jul 29, 2021
- 168
This does not belong in "Suicide Discussion". At best, this goes in "Offtopic". I wish people would quit wasting time with fictitious/troll posts like this while people are opening up about struggling with such difficult situations here day by day. Take a look at all the other posts on this forum and try to see what separates those from this one. Maybe r/im14andthisisdeep is a better fit.
Wow. I was being perfectly serious and what I wrote absolutely happened. Ended up in the pysch ward where more strange things happened. Would it be more acceptable to you if I tried again to see what happens?
Braindead Atheist
Specialist
- Oct 7, 2020
- 387
I tried co twice, diphenhydramine once and tried ordering Nembutal but that was a scam. The universe is indifferent to us but it seems sometimes, it exists just to spite me. I guess maybe I didn't try hard enough. Next I'm going to find dnp and try that. then if that doesn't work i'll hang myself. fuck life. it doesn't deserve us. I hate everything and everyone. The people on this site are like family to me. I want you to know that I value you and what ever you chose to do is ok with me as long as its what's best for you.
Hey, he/she has as much right to vent as you and I. He/she was talking about past attempts. That still fits the theme of suicide discussion.
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Thanks BA. When I posted, I did not consider that someone would not take me seriously.
Bone
Sad Sack
- Jul 29, 2021
- 168
Obviously I don't want you or anyone else to be trying suicide. I have had my own massive issues with psychosis and it has ruined my life-especially simulation theory was a massive part of my most recent episode, including the feeling of being followed, watched, chosen, etc. I would not wish that hell on anyone else.
We have had numerous troll posts on the site lately, people posing as suicidal, and clearly I've become frustrated with the interlopers here. It seems weird to me to say "car with no exhaust" and "cut wrists but no bleeding" when these things cannot happen. If you are sincere, I apologize for my reaction to your post. Perhaps a better, more constructive way to phrase it would have been to ask if you have ever been diagnosed with psychosis (delusions, paranoia, hallucinations, etc.) I certainly have and can discuss it at length.
We have had numerous troll posts on the site lately, people posing as suicidal, and clearly I've become frustrated with the interlopers here. It seems weird to me to say "car with no exhaust" and "cut wrists but no bleeding" when these things cannot happen. If you are sincere, I apologize for my reaction to your post. Perhaps a better, more constructive way to phrase it would have been to ask if you have ever been diagnosed with psychosis (delusions, paranoia, hallucinations, etc.) I certainly have and can discuss it at length.
Braindead Atheist
Specialist
- Oct 7, 2020
- 387
Okay. Thanks for that. Let me say that before any of this happened--14 years ago--I believed in nothing, bared my soul to the benign indifference of the universe often. Seems I missed small clues over the years. Anyway, I see things much differently now. I feel like a total pawn because I am one. The simulation does what it wants with me. lately, it has been merciful, allowed me some small successes.It's also dashed my hopes and dreams over the years. By the way, Nick Bostrom is a genius. You might want to look him up. Thanks again BA.
Bone, also, when I was in the psych ward I was diagnosed as pyschotic and given, I forget how to spell it, resperidal? which is an anti-pyschotic drug. I don't know if it helped with so-called psychosis but on it I could barely function, could literally, barely remember my name. Was glad to get off it. Am on anti-depressants know and they do make life a little more bearable but I'm still no bundle of laughs.
Bone, also, when I was in the psych ward I was diagnosed as pyschotic and given, I forget how to spell it, resperidal? which is an anti-pyschotic drug. I don't know if it helped with so-called psychosis but on it I could barely function, could literally, barely remember my name. Was glad to get off it. Am on anti-depressants know and they do make life a little more bearable but I'm still no bundle of laughs.
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Bone
Sad Sack
- Jul 29, 2021
- 168
Antipsychotics are awful and I quit them because of the side effects, as I too was basically catatonic and could not function. APs affect some people really harshly. I suppose they do help with actively psychotic people but the side effects make life beyond awful for many.
The simulation stuff unfortunately to me falls right in line with the rest of my psychosis. For example, I was on the street convinced I was hacking the simulation with my mind and communicating with Edward Snowden telepathically, leaking documents both to people on my social media as well as in person. Thought I was moving the sun at one point with my eyeballs, which I believed had had cameras inserted there during a prior psych hospitalization. I believed Snowden and I had together hacked my eyeballs and given them supernatural powers. I burned pages of my passport in public after wiping my blood all over the pages when I cut my thumb deeply on a broken beer bottle I had smashed in the street while convinced I was being followed by dozens or hundreds of cars and blocking the road. I can go on, and on, and on with the (literally) crazy situations I ended up in. I also encountered law enforcement and (real) gangsters multiple times while homeless in a violent city, and it is a miracle (....?) I made it out alive.
Eventually, the thoughts of simulation theory eventually were linked with a deity or alien technology and I thought I was helping save the world. In reality, I was burning all my bridges, spending all my money, accruing criminal charges, etc. etc.
Honestly, I do not believe the simulation stuff is real whatsoever; even if it is, it changes nothing of our current reality except perhaps to make it even more...meaningless? The things I thought were SO REAL during my psychosis, were, in reality, just delusions or hallucinations. Had any of the stuff been occurring I thought was occurring, even one moment of it, it'd have been international news (I thought I was communicating with reps from mass media outlets during the whole thing, incidentally.)
I'm not gonna sit here and tell you I know what was going on with your situation at all, but after many months of reading about what psychosis is and other people's experiences during psychosis (on SS, reddit, and FB support groups for psychosis), I have come to the conclusion (on my own, not a single psychiatrist or anyone else convincing me of this) that all the coincidences I noticed, all the wild synchronicity I saw and heard, well...my eyes, ears, and mind indeed were "lying" to me on some level. It stands to reason our minds want to make sense of the chaos and random shit we go through and we see and hear about in the world, but accepting the cold, bitter pill that this is reality, it is random and chaotic and brutal, and it blows total asshole, is the only thing I can really do at this point.
I do relate to you in that I noticed WILD coincidences and synchronicity, and in my case, I even believed I had influence/control over those things and that I had been chosen at some point (by God/gods/future civilizations/aliens/etc.), but now that I am out of that situation and finally have done my research on psychosis I can safely say I don't buy into any of it. This is my two cents, as rambling as it was, and I hope there was something helpful there.
Anyway, thanks for sharing and I do apologize then for the knee-jerk reaction I had. In addition to my broken brain ruining my life 7 months ago and the appearance of more troll posts on SS as I mentioned, my mom has been dying from alcohol-related liver failure over the last few months and I've been witnessing it firsthand. Needless to say last year as beyond awful, and also, I admit I have been bottling up my frustration at dumb posts for a while and took it out in this post.
The simulation stuff unfortunately to me falls right in line with the rest of my psychosis. For example, I was on the street convinced I was hacking the simulation with my mind and communicating with Edward Snowden telepathically, leaking documents both to people on my social media as well as in person. Thought I was moving the sun at one point with my eyeballs, which I believed had had cameras inserted there during a prior psych hospitalization. I believed Snowden and I had together hacked my eyeballs and given them supernatural powers. I burned pages of my passport in public after wiping my blood all over the pages when I cut my thumb deeply on a broken beer bottle I had smashed in the street while convinced I was being followed by dozens or hundreds of cars and blocking the road. I can go on, and on, and on with the (literally) crazy situations I ended up in. I also encountered law enforcement and (real) gangsters multiple times while homeless in a violent city, and it is a miracle (....?) I made it out alive.
Eventually, the thoughts of simulation theory eventually were linked with a deity or alien technology and I thought I was helping save the world. In reality, I was burning all my bridges, spending all my money, accruing criminal charges, etc. etc.
Honestly, I do not believe the simulation stuff is real whatsoever; even if it is, it changes nothing of our current reality except perhaps to make it even more...meaningless? The things I thought were SO REAL during my psychosis, were, in reality, just delusions or hallucinations. Had any of the stuff been occurring I thought was occurring, even one moment of it, it'd have been international news (I thought I was communicating with reps from mass media outlets during the whole thing, incidentally.)
I'm not gonna sit here and tell you I know what was going on with your situation at all, but after many months of reading about what psychosis is and other people's experiences during psychosis (on SS, reddit, and FB support groups for psychosis), I have come to the conclusion (on my own, not a single psychiatrist or anyone else convincing me of this) that all the coincidences I noticed, all the wild synchronicity I saw and heard, well...my eyes, ears, and mind indeed were "lying" to me on some level. It stands to reason our minds want to make sense of the chaos and random shit we go through and we see and hear about in the world, but accepting the cold, bitter pill that this is reality, it is random and chaotic and brutal, and it blows total asshole, is the only thing I can really do at this point.
I do relate to you in that I noticed WILD coincidences and synchronicity, and in my case, I even believed I had influence/control over those things and that I had been chosen at some point (by God/gods/future civilizations/aliens/etc.), but now that I am out of that situation and finally have done my research on psychosis I can safely say I don't buy into any of it. This is my two cents, as rambling as it was, and I hope there was something helpful there.
Anyway, thanks for sharing and I do apologize then for the knee-jerk reaction I had. In addition to my broken brain ruining my life 7 months ago and the appearance of more troll posts on SS as I mentioned, my mom has been dying from alcohol-related liver failure over the last few months and I've been witnessing it firsthand. Needless to say last year as beyond awful, and also, I admit I have been bottling up my frustration at dumb posts for a while and took it out in this post.
Braindead Atheist
Specialist
- Oct 7, 2020
- 387
Yeah I was on that too. It could be why I struggled so much to learn. I was taken off of it because it was causing early puberty. I still grew 3 inches. Also NEVER take depakote or serequil. You will have unbelievably bad nightmares. I would almost have a heart attack after them.
Thanks for the replies and advice. The resperidal was awful. Not only did it make me feel dumber than dumb, I felt lousy all the time. And, believe me, when you do stupid things in public people are not always nice about it.And it's impractical telling them I tried to kill myself, failed and am now drugged into submission and not in my right mind, whatever that is. After the pysch ward I was still having trouble so my new shrink prescribed abilify which I did not really want to take. But I did. When I stopped taking it for a while, I had an episode. I was out with my mom and started crying on the bus, then walking from the bus stop I became convinced that I could only turn right, never left, and that this was desperately important. Of course, I ended up heading away from home, my mom tried to stop me, but by then I was screaming and wouldn't listen. Finally, called the cops, who put me in cuffs and took me to the hospital. They isolated me in a room and had a female doctor come into check on me. She never said a word to me but looked at me like I was something she'd just scraped off the bottom of her shoe. I recovered, more or less, and they let me go. Wasn't fun. Have, fortunately, not had an episode like that again. I'm off the abilify for now and hope to keep it that way, fingers crossed.
Chaestergram
Free spirit
- Nov 24, 2021
- 90
To me the « not bleed » can only be the result of it not being deep enough.
But regardless i do believe in the occultism like it would be hypocritical for me not to since it is part of my job and faith, anyway I had a few shared with that regarding past attempts so anyone not believing or else you're free to not reply as I really couldn't care about your opinion on my own experiences.
10 years ago : being right in the moment when I was actually alone and my parents were at work, I was supposed to be at school at that moment
7 years ago : I was all alone, outside and ready for it but it just felt like it wasn't my time yet and that someone was preventing me to
4 years ago : being stopped right at the moment I was about to complete passed out which now that I think of it was idk, I was at my place and my at the time boyfriend was supposed to still be at work, I left his club earlier than usual and my place to the club was like a 30 mins ride
A year ago : to me was the weirdest as I had talked to no one in a weird way, I talked as usual to my mom (i live alone and we don't live in the same city) then did my stuff and a few minutes later the ambulance was trying to burst my door open and they told me that my mom called them I was like tf ???
But regardless i do believe in the occultism like it would be hypocritical for me not to since it is part of my job and faith, anyway I had a few shared with that regarding past attempts so anyone not believing or else you're free to not reply as I really couldn't care about your opinion on my own experiences.
10 years ago : being right in the moment when I was actually alone and my parents were at work, I was supposed to be at school at that moment
7 years ago : I was all alone, outside and ready for it but it just felt like it wasn't my time yet and that someone was preventing me to
4 years ago : being stopped right at the moment I was about to complete passed out which now that I think of it was idk, I was at my place and my at the time boyfriend was supposed to still be at work, I left his club earlier than usual and my place to the club was like a 30 mins ride
A year ago : to me was the weirdest as I had talked to no one in a weird way, I talked as usual to my mom (i live alone and we don't live in the same city) then did my stuff and a few minutes later the ambulance was trying to burst my door open and they told me that my mom called them I was like tf ???
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ThriveOrDie
We are already in hell
- Jul 11, 2019
- 449
Do you guys know about "Targeted Individuals"?
My dad always kept his gun in the same place. When I was 14 I went to grab it one night to ctb and it was gone. I found out many years later that my brother had the gun. I almost died of a heart attack when I was 25, I thought I injured my arm at the time cause I had fallen on slippery floor days before. I went to the store to get pain meds and for some reason felt compelled to buy aspirin but I never liked using aspirin before. I also almost died of a kidney infection when I was 37. I was all alone but my bf as able to send someone to take me to ER. If not for that I may have died because I had no clue it was so serious. It seems I'm supposed to be here but I have no clue why. I'm such a failure and I'm in misery.
The media has been pushing this simulation theory. I have heard my siblings talk about it...I don't watch tv. Anyway, it doesn't sit right with me. It does make life seem more meaningless and I think that is the purpose of the theory. The government gains from making us feel defeated because it makes us easier to control.
My dad always kept his gun in the same place. When I was 14 I went to grab it one night to ctb and it was gone. I found out many years later that my brother had the gun. I almost died of a heart attack when I was 25, I thought I injured my arm at the time cause I had fallen on slippery floor days before. I went to the store to get pain meds and for some reason felt compelled to buy aspirin but I never liked using aspirin before. I also almost died of a kidney infection when I was 37. I was all alone but my bf as able to send someone to take me to ER. If not for that I may have died because I had no clue it was so serious. It seems I'm supposed to be here but I have no clue why. I'm such a failure and I'm in misery.
The media has been pushing this simulation theory. I have heard my siblings talk about it...I don't watch tv. Anyway, it doesn't sit right with me. It does make life seem more meaningless and I think that is the purpose of the theory. The government gains from making us feel defeated because it makes us easier to control.
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