I really get the back and forth and how that can feel like you're spinning instead of choosing. My opinion only, if some part of you still wants to try to make your life better, then do what's within your grasp to do so. You can always change your mind and ctb. I've hung on for decades past when I stopped wanting to live because I still had reserves of hope and perseverance to try to improve my situation. I have a chronic illness so I understand often there isn't a resolution for what ails you.
Also, I have HUGE problems with sound so I feel for you. It's impossible to have any kind of social interaction when noise makes it excruciating and alienates people.
Totally different perspective but its how I'm relating to your share, I have terrible PTSD from a traumatic event that happened when I was 7, and which I have no memories. I have flashbacks and such which fill in gaps but no actual memories. The spinning of not knowing, and never being able to reconcile what actually happened might be the worst part of the trauma at this point - always second guessing myself. This is how I'm relating to you with the back and forth about making up your mind. It's excruciating.
Very sorry you have this illness, and sorry you feel your Mom is disappointed. I agree with others that your circumstances aren't your fault. They said it better than I could.