Venting Nobody has empathy for virgins

[Sadbanana]

If you struggle with something in life there are usually supportive communities, but not really for this problem. (Sure there are some incel websites, but people there are batshit insane and misogynistic). When you try to find guidance on how to find girlfriend you either get somebody taking advantage of you, telling you that you are lazy looser and need to go to sigma grindset and trying to sell you their stupid course. Or you get people to tell you that relationships aren't important and you shouldn't base your self worth on it (if it was so easy tho, your brain is designed to do so).

Loneliness sucks, sexlessness sucks and it can really fuck up someone's psyche. And you feel like you are missing out becuse everyone is advertising how great sex and love is. Literally every song is about one or the other. And if you try to complain a bit, they label you an incel, which is like a third most hated thing ever right after pedophiles and hitler, so you are done for.

In my case I'm asperger with adhd and I find talking to girls incredibly difficult, I tried to get help, I've spent all highschool trying to improve social skills and I tried to find some type of therapy that could help, but got nothing. Because who cares about it anyways, I should just accept that I don't deserve anyone and try to contribute to the society with all my effort so that people who do deserve it can have even better life, I should also stop complaining ang smile i guess. Why should I have a girlfriend, after all I'm a lesser being compared to neurotypicals, because unlike them half of my brain is not dedicated to status signaling. I guess my fauly genes should die with me.

In short I really hate this world and can't wait to leave it. Why would a loving God ever allow for this kind of suffering. And society doesn't give a shit about people like me. Sorry for my rant, but I needed to take this off my chest.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I see people talking about the "male loneliness epidemic" all the time on Reddit. I find it's mostly men who have barely tried talking to women complaining about how they can't get girlfriends. At least you have autism as an excuse, I can see how that complicates things. It's unfortunate that crazy incels going on killing sprees kinda zapped everyone's empathy for guys who can't get laid.

 

[genoke]

If you ever go to Vegas... pm me. I Iived in a casino a couple years. I know things. If you're truly a virgin id recommend a Vegas prostitute its legal there. On the strip it's 100% legal. In any hotel its 100% legal. And you are guaranteed privacy.

Sorry bro that sucks. Go to Amsterdam or Japan.

 

[JustAStory]

I have been a virgin for almost 30 years (27 to be exact).
The people around me... probably suspected it, because I never talked about sex. I was very ashamed about it.

I too do not like (to use an euphemism, let's say i profoundly do not like!) incel culture... there are good women and bad women as there are good men and bed men; they too suffer, they too struggle relationally. I perfectly know that the lack of sex in my first three decades has been due to my relational issues, not due to something evil in other people.

Growing up, I found some people that clicked. It took a long time, however.

 

[Xta4Love]

You will be okay.
I lost my virginity at 25. My good friend (good looks, great personality) lost hers at 33.
You are not alone. Its just not talked openly about. There is a taboo on being a virgin at a later age. But it is not unheard of.

Some find the one for them at age 15. And some at age 33.

An no I think prostitution is not the answer. It won't fill the void you feel. It is empty sex.

 

[lamargue]

just wanted to let you know that your problems are extremely valid. some are more socially compatible for entering into commitments, which involve sex, than others. i myself am an individual who will probably never have sex on this basis.

 

[divinemistress36]

I slept around a lot in my 20s . Sex isnt that great its a temporary high. Its only good with someone you care about and even then its so temporary

 

[nohopenolife]

Done it not worth it and it's painful

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Frankly, I don't see anything wrong with getting the "sex monkey" off one's back via a prostitute. It could be freeing to have that gone and done with just to be able to channel all one's efforts into the more important effort of finding true love.

 

[SketchTurner]

Generally being any kind of low social value person will get you limited sympathy. People are people.

 

[Nofxfan]

Is it sex you want or is it companionship?

 

[fleetingnight]

It's a type of lonliness/alienation, but some people don't take it as seriously as other kinds of isolation

 

[Aloneandinpain]

You will be okay.
I lost my virginity at 25. My good friend (good looks, great personality) lost hers at 33.
You are not alone. Its just not talked openly about. There is a taboo on being a virgin at a later age. But it is not unheard of.

Some find the one for them at age 15. And some at age 33.

An no I think prostitution is not the answer. It won't fill the void you feel. It is empty sex.

I think you're correct about prostitutes, but please don't spread this "there's someone for everyone" type of nonsense. It's not helpful, not true and as someone who has failed completely at finding love, I find it quite upsetting.

Plenty of people, mostly men, go their whole lives without having sex and experiencing love and romance. I'm not even autistic, nor especially ugly, but I'm almost certainly going to die a virgin. At this point there's a high probability that I'll never have my first kiss.

 

[Wolf Girl]

Sex alone doesn't really improve things. It's the relationship you're missing. I can easily get casual sex if I want it, but it does nothing to fill the void left by the lack of a lasting relationship. In fact, it sometimes makes it worse.

 

[pain6batch9]

I could have sex whenever I want. Anyone can really, if they pay for it, or do the whole 'maximum effort' thing and find a girl. Confidence goes a long way. Cash will do the job too.

But, like others have said here, sex isn't the ultimate goal, it's companionship that is really important. Being able to laugh with someone, cry with someone. Dance with someone, rely on someone. Have them rely on you.

When you can communicate without words, just by a look at the person. When they can guess what you might say, and say it for you. When you can predict what they might want and get it for them. When you can both find the same thing funny. When you're in danger and before you can react, they've already destroyed the threat.

When you know that life without that person will render you forever incomplete. That no other being in the world can replace them. When you know for a fact that person would sacrifice everything they are in a minute to save you from pain, and you them.

That's what you really want.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

Sex alone doesn't really improve things. It's the relationship you're missing. I can easily get casual sex if I want it, but it does nothing to fill the void left by the lack of a lasting relationship. In fact, it sometimes makes it worse.

I agree for the most part, but even something casual would at least get me out of the feeling of being a complete failure with women and relationships.

 

[Rockman]

Thanks loving god for creating
vibrators and toy pussies for this suffering.

I agree for the most part, but even something casual would at least get me out of the feeling of being a complete failure with women and relationships.

It couldn't be. You use it to validate yourself from the outside. Even if you had such an opportunity after she leaves you will fall into the same black hole. Because you make this feeling dependent on someone else.
If you feel good about yourself you won't be desperate for validation. And of course relationships made of desperation are straight way to hell.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

Thanks loving god for creating
vibrators and toy pussies for this suffering.

It couldn't be. You use it to validate yourself from the outside. Even if you had such an opportunity after she leaves you will fall into the same black hole. Because you make this feeling dependent on someone else.
If you feel good about yourself you won't be desperate for validation. And of course relationships made of desperation are straight way to hell.

I'm not completely desperate, but just would like to experience love and romance once before I die.

At least after a failed relationship I'd maybe be confident that it might be possible to do it again.

Currently, my situation is that I'm not even sure if relationships exist seeing as I've never even got close to having one.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I love how this thread serves as a perfect example of the exact problem OP is lamenting.

 

[kittykatt]

If you struggle with something in life there are usually supportive communities, but not really for this problem. (Sure there are some incel websites, but people there are batshit insane and misogynistic). When you try to find guidance on how to find girlfriend you either get somebody taking advantage of you, telling you that you are lazy looser and need to go to sigma grindset and trying to sell you their stupid course. Or you get people to tell you that relationships aren't important and you shouldn't base your self worth on it (if it was so easy tho, your brain is designed to do so).

Loneliness sucks, sexlessness sucks and it can really fuck up someone's psyche. And you feel like you are missing out becuse everyone is advertising how great sex and love is. Literally every song is about one or the other. And if you try to complain a bit, they label you an incel, which is like a third most hated thing ever right after pedophiles and hitler, so you are done for.

In my case I'm asperger with adhd and I find talking to girls incredibly difficult, I tried to get help, I've spent all highschool trying to improve social skills and I tried to find some type of therapy that could help, but got nothing. Because who cares about it anyways, I should just accept that I don't deserve anyone and try to contribute to the society with all my effort so that people who do deserve it can have even better life, I should also stop complaining ang smile i guess. Why should I have a girlfriend, after all I'm a lesser being compared to neurotypicals, because unlike them half of my brain is not dedicated to status signaling. I guess my fauly genes should die with me.

In short I really hate this world and can't wait to leave it. Why would a loving God ever allow for this kind of suffering. And society doesn't give a shit about people like me. Sorry for my rant, but I needed to take this off my chest.

i can assure you that sex isnt as life changing as you think. i lost mine at 15 and honestly it wouldn't have made a difference if i had waited till i was older. i was the exact same person afterwards. nothing had changed. the right person will come your way. wait for an emotional connection and dont go out buying sex to get it over with. it will come your way.

 

[lnlybnny]

I know everyone has different experiences but please stop giving so much importance to sex. It's just so overrated. I'm talking from my perspective as it's all I have but sleeping/eating/doing things you love is so much better and worthier. It's just a momentary pleasure. Sometimes it feels like an obligation when you're in a relationship. Sure it has its perks but it's not ALL that. And I've had really good moments with it, but I still think it's overrated.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I love how this thread serves as a perfect example of the exact problem OP is lamenting.

I feel like part of the issue that people forget about the fact that sex is not just seen as some activitiy, it's an expectation. Sex is seen as something that men and boys must try to lose as soon as possible and woman and girls must avoid yet, at the same time, they must submit (lest they be a "prude"). When people say things like "I've has sex before and it wasn't anything amazing", they completely miss this point. When someone complains about never having sex before, it's because they feel like they have been left behind and are failing to meet societal expectations, whether they are conscious of it or not.

Along with that, the whole "I've has sex before and it wasn't anything amazing" or that it "didn't fill the void inside you" or anything else along those lines, reminds me of back in grade 12, when we found out that we were not going to have prom because of the pandemic. I didn't care but a lot of my peers did. One of my teachers made an interesting point, which was that prom was overrated but that she can only say this as someone who has been to prom before. If you've never had been to prom before then there isn't any way for you to know this first-hand. Talking about how overrated sex is to someone who has never had sex before isn't going to do shit. They will still want to have sex because they want to experience it. They won't just be like "yeah man, you are so right. Sex is overrated", because they have never had any experience with it before. Saying something is overrated and not as good as others make it out to be only works in retrospect. If you have never experienced said thing before and this is something that feel like it is expected of you and is presented as a major milestone that we are all supposed to experience, then you will likely still want it.

 

[HappyForever?]

I was a chronic virgin, only lost my virginity at 19 almost 20. I agree it was very scary when I was in the depths of it, and it caused me much depression and even some permanent emotional damage. I found the biggest thing that helps is talk to more women. It can be difficult at first, especially if you have autism or social anxiety, but it gets better with practice. Go to more activities where there are women and you can talk to them. Do not try to find love or lose your virginity at first, if it happens great, but just try to make friends and get some practice talking to women. Over time you would find talking to women much less scary.

 

[brokeandbroken]

If you struggle with something in life there are usually supportive communities, but not really for this problem. (Sure there are some incel websites, but people there are batshit insane and misogynistic). When you try to find guidance on how to find girlfriend you either get somebody taking advantage of you, telling you that you are lazy looser and need to go to sigma grindset and trying to sell you their stupid course. Or you get people to tell you that relationships aren't important and you shouldn't base your self worth on it (if it was so easy tho, your brain is designed to do so).

Loneliness sucks, sexlessness sucks and it can really fuck up someone's psyche. And you feel like you are missing out becuse everyone is advertising how great sex and love is. Literally every song is about one or the other. And if you try to complain a bit, they label you an incel, which is like a third most hated thing ever right after pedophiles and hitler, so you are done for.

In my case I'm asperger with adhd and I find talking to girls incredibly difficult, I tried to get help, I've spent all highschool trying to improve social skills and I tried to find some type of therapy that could help, but got nothing. Because who cares about it anyways, I should just accept that I don't deserve anyone and try to contribute to the society with all my effort so that people who do deserve it can have even better life, I should also stop complaining ang smile i guess. Why should I have a girlfriend, after all I'm a lesser being compared to neurotypicals, because unlike them half of my brain is not dedicated to status signaling. I guess my fauly genes should die with me.

In short I really hate this world and can't wait to leave it. Why would a loving God ever allow for this kind of suffering. And society doesn't give a shit about people like me. Sorry for my rant, but I needed to take this off my chest.

I'm not sure it's lack of empathy as much as there isn't good solutions. You want sex? Maybe probably. Probably more companionship + sex + everything that goes along with it.

Spent "all high school"?? So you are in HS? You are really young. If someone said do XYZ and you will eventually in all likelihood meet someone would you? Would you date, go out with, etc.. you? What would you change? Go forth and do that.

I could have sex whenever I want. Anyone can really, if they pay for it, or do the whole 'maximum effort' thing and find a girl. Confidence goes a long way. Cash will do the job too.

But, like others have said here, sex isn't the ultimate goal, it's companionship that is really important. Being able to laugh with someone, cry with someone. Dance with someone, rely on someone. Have them rely on you.

When you can communicate without words, just by a look at the person. When they can guess what you might say, and say it for you. When you can predict what they might want and get it for them. When you can both find the same thing funny. When you're in danger and before you can react, they've already destroyed the threat.

When you know that life without that person will render you forever incomplete. That no other being in the world can replace them. When you know for a fact that person would sacrifice everything they are in a minute to save you from pain, and you them.

That's what you really want.

this

I see people talking about the "male loneliness epidemic" all the time on Reddit. I find it's mostly men who have barely tried talking to women complaining about how they can't get girlfriends. At least you have autism as an excuse, I can see how that complicates things. It's unfortunate that crazy incels going on killing sprees kinda zapped everyone's empathy for guys who can't get laid.

Except statistically it is true. Something like 15% of men don't have a single friend not *girl*friend but *any* friends. The rates have skyrocketed for men in the last 30 years. Similar trends for women have been observed as well but their numbers are much lower. Multiple things can be true. Some people complain about not having sex and there's definitely men who are finding it difficult to find friends period.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I understand what you feel. Before losing my virginity I also felt like I was behind, felt undesired and less than others. At the same time, I was terrified of what I would feel from penetration, the "pain of the first time".

It turned out that it isn't the first time, it's the first times plural. It was a very emotional, stressful and physically painful experience. When it finally happened, at the nth time, I felt like a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders but I would find later on sex to be very underwhelming, frustrating and heartbreaking due to partner's ED. Not his fault ofc and continued together, but it's a battle that has lasted years at this point.

Like @EvisceratedJester said, you will always crave sex (or romance) no matter what others say, simply because you can't relate emotionally to others experiences. You haven't experienced it yet, you'll want to try it to know for yourself.

The communities and support for it suck. I don't think I have many pointers to help but one thing I'll say: if you're a romantic, paying for sex may do you more harm than good. At some point I thought about paying for a cuddling companion. I saw that existed, men that you can pay to snuggle and potentially have sex with. Just thinking of that made me cry my eyes out several times. I know I'd become emotionally involved with the person and try to make him fall in love with me.

What worked for me to eventually get sex was working with guys at university on projects, get to know them, start playing games together, etc. Similar thing at my first job. I didn't have expectations of sex, I just wanted to get the work done. My first boyfriend I even found him annoying at first, then I started enjoying hearing him talk so much. I found endearing how he would get so nervous and serious. I took the lead on asking whether he was in love with me, he actually rejected me until on the next day I told him I was in love with him and then he reciprocated.

He was a virgin like me and had had negative experiences with women. He thought I was angry that he liked me. He was really not good at social interactions, but I found that cute.

I rambled a bit, I'm sorry. I expect my post to sound more of the same "go out and talk to people!" which is so annoying when one is frustrated and wants a simple and fool proof solution, but I don't think that exists. Relationships take so much time and if you're earning for emotional connection, there's very hardly a shortcut...

I hope you can find what you're looking for. That kind of loneliness is gut wrenching and it does effect the self esteem a lot.

 

[Unspoken7612]

In my case I'm asperger with adhd and I find talking to girls incredibly difficult, I tried to get help, I've spent all highschool trying to improve social skills and I tried to find some type of therapy that could help, but got nothing.

So first of all, yes, there can sometimes be a lack of sympathy and a lot of victim blaming for people in your situation.

That being said, if I have understood correctly, you are in high school or have recently left. While it is common for boys your age to be very anxious about "virginity", the reality is that most boys your age have not had sex.

You still have life ahead of you: get a part-time job, go to university, join clubs, go to bars, get a full-time job… these will all provide you with opportunities to practice socialising and hopefully meet someone you are compatible with. It is hard… well, actually, it's quite easy to have sex if that's what you want (stay at a club until closing time, and whoever is still out will probably be receptive to advances), but a meaningful relationship is hard and uncertain.

 

[lamargue]

You still have life ahead of you: get a part-time job, go to university, join clubs, go to bars, get a full-time job… these will all provide you with opportunities to practice socialising and hopefully meet someone you are compatible with. It is hard… well, actually, it's quite easy to have sex if that's what you want (stay at a club until closing time, and whoever is still out will probably be receptive to advances), but a meaningful relationship is hard and uncertain.

i honestly think that university and, by extension, clubs are the only real opportunities in which you can find out whether or not you are socially compatible. from experience jobs, clubs (not university clubs) and bars are pretty horrible if you lack socially desirable traits
and sex is not as easy as you make it out to be. too many variables to consider. it will rarely ever fall into your lap given appropriate conditions, and if it does then that indicates you possess some level of compatibility/desirability which the privileged often neglect

 

[Seered Doom]

I'm 24 with a lot of mental health problems and a virgin as well. I can relate to this post. There's literally no place for someone like us to be able to get any sort of actual support (femcel communities and incel communities are both just ew) and there's nothing for trans people in this regard, so yeah, I fear that we're screwed.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

As a 30 year old virgin, I'd rather people stay unempathetic because the only ways to actually cure virgins like me would be to rewrite the laws of nature to fit my needs which is impossible so rather than make it everyone else's problem I'll just quietly die unless the 1 in a jillion chance happens and I actually find the person worth losing virginity to.

 

[Seered Doom]

For reals though.