Venting nobody cares, i want to disappear

[kurvinox]

My first post here but I've been here for some time. (sorry in advance for my english, it's not my native language)
I feel like nobody cares about me, so it would be easier to just die. I'm thinking about overdosing or jumping of very high building to be sure that i'll die without feeling anything. My best friend ignores my messages, always. Fucking always when she's not with me in the same room. Mother is busy so she won't even pick up the phone. Father is my greatest enemy beside myself. I have literally nobody to talk to about what i really feel. Every month, every week, I'm getting more ready to die. Just because nobody cares and I can't stand that loneliness i'm living with about 9-10 years now. So in short, loneliness and my addictions (alcohol, benzos and codeine, i have to cope somehow) are killing me very slowly and I want to speed up that process.
I seriously can't stand it anymore.
I really want to talk to someone, just vent, but i have nobody. I've got many benzos like xanax, lorazepam, diazepam and estazolalm. But I don't think they'll kill me cause of my tolerance. Maybe i'm gonna be able to get oxycodone, that would be great. I've thought for a long time, I want to die in december this year around christmas. I can't vent to anyone so i would be surprised if my best friend/mother/whoever cries after my death. I'm crying almost every night and nobody knows about it. I literally don't remember when I was truly happy. I've got anxiety too and its not helping. I think end of this year will be good time to end this all, log out.
Yes, i'm drunk rn, but that's how i feel every night. Literally every night. I don't know yet how i'm gonna do it, but i want to choose most painless method.
So yeah, I'm alone. Totally alone and on my own. Nobody cares. Nobody. I really needed to write that somewhere, I don't want to live like that anymore, either something will change or ill be dead by christmas.
There are moments when I want to be alone, but they are very short moments, not my whole pathetic life. No job yet, the only thing I have left is my guitars, vinyls and music, nothing else. Every moment im thinking more seriously about logging off from this world. My whole school life was a nightmare, i tried a few times then but failed miserably. If its gonna go this way, im gonna be dead by christmas. There's just too many thoughts in my head. I feel like I can't handle it anymore i just can't. Loneliness gonna kill me.

If someone read it all, thank you. So much. Seriously.

 

[astaroth81]

Unfortunately what I've found is that yes no one truly cares about you, or me or anyone else but themselves.

People who are claimed to be so called friends only come around because there is something advantageous for them to gain by doing so. They do not come around simply out of care.

Everyone is driven by their own selfish desires. That's why it's best to be selfish too because no one will ever look out for you like you yourself will. But it can be difficult to develope care for ones self.

As someone wise once said, we were all born alone and will die alone. So despite any social connections and status, humans are fundamentally isolated in our existence, birth and death.

This is not advice I am simply venting myself in response to your post.