Nobody believes my trauma was real

[rebelsue]

I have one of those really subtle situations that I wonder if it is almost WORSE than more overt abuse. Nobody believes I was really abused and so they think I'm just a drama queen and that means social rejection and loneliness on top of dealing with the abuse aftermath.

My parents were just socially awkward, insecure, nervous people. My dad is one of those guys that is mediocre but thinks he is a misunderstood genius. My mom is a ditzy blonde who needed a daddy to rescue her and can't think for herself. They raised me to be exactly like them - a piece of shit. But the sad thing about growing up a piece of shit is that you often don't know you're a piece of shit. I figured it out a year ago and I'm 39. Looking back on my life, I see exactly why nothing worked out for me. I see why I am struggling now, too. But it feels way too big to change now. The traits are so entrenched. My dad hit us sometimes, mostly just yelled a lot. He insulted us a lot and insulted himself, ranted about all his failures and things he deserved but never got, and threatened suicide. Everything we did was wrong, or it was ignored. He was gross and embarrassing. But god forbid we ever complain about either of them. Mom and dad, the saints, united against the kids. We were always ungrateful and spoiled in their eyes even when I asked for nothing and just wanted to be left alone to do art projects and play piano and study. He beat my brother and called him stupid. But somehow my brother grew up to hate ME and not them. My mom lets the extended family believe I am crazy ... I tried to out them a year ago for what they did and nobody believed me. My aunt flat out told me she thinks I'm making it up and that my parents "must have just given up on me." My mom knows it all happened but takes my dad's side because he has money.

But because they had good jobs and no addictions or legal problems, because I had good grades in school, and got enough to eat and medical care, I wasn't abused. I should be able to be okay because other people had it worse.

Here's the thing about being psychologically tortured for 40 years...FUCK YOU. I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN OR JUSTIFY WHY MY TRAUMA IS REAL. ITS REAL. It was totally definitely abuse. I am now a shitty shitty person and I'm stuck this way. I have to learn to live with it somehow. Fuck them for burdening me with this undertaking. I work so hard every day to try to change. I don't know if I can change fast enough to still have successful happy life.

 

[Ipassbutter]

Im sorry you're going through a tough time. My obervation after reading your post is that you are very focused on what others think - especially your parents. That may cause you a lot of hardship because it's near impossible to change how others think.

 

[rebelsue]

Im sorry you're going through a tough time. My obervation after reading your post is that you are very focused on what others think - especially your parents. That may cause you a lot of hardship because it's near impossible to change how others think.

So here's the thing about caring what other people think. I have to care. What other people think of me determines if I am liked, and being liked determines if I am accepted into the tribe, and being part of a tribe means I don't die. What other people think of me is literally life or death.

In a less biological sense, When you have PTSD you are delusional about reality. So I need other people's opinions to make sure I don't turn into a shithead or make lots of really big mistakes. Other people's opinions are my only connection to reality. If I just relied on my own opinions, I'd drive myself into the ground within a week.

 

[pete_x]

I understand alot of this. The hatred shift is usually directed toward the "safe" target. There won't be any acknowledgement , maybe in a death bed conversion scenario.

 

[rebelsue]

I understand alot of this. The hatred shift is usually directed toward the "safe" target. There won't be any acknowledgement , maybe in a death bed conversion scenario.

My brother hates me, too. They turned him against me.

I had a serious illness when I was younger and he thought I faked it even though curing me took 8 years and three major surgeries. But sure, I faked it for attention and conned a world-renowned surgeon into giving me these operations for funzies. Right. He thinks that my parents spoiled me by letting me live with them when I was sick. They did nothing of the sort. The whole time I lived there they hassled me about when i was going to get a high paying full time job. I tried so hard for so many years to get that job they wanted me to have. My dad even physically assaulted me when I was sick and said "If you put me through this hospital bullshit again I swear to god..." (the "hospital bullshit" being my symptoms that I couldn't control) while holding me face down on the stairs by my neck, spitting in my ear saying that I wouldn't get well without "military style discipline." I was 29 years old and I should have called the cops. He did this to me because I was arguing with my mom about why her latest diet and exercise regiment wasn't actually going to fix my illness. I was crying because I was sick of her invalidating me and the argument got heated and he barreled around the corner to "leap to her defense." Because I'm evil for getting an illness instead of a cushy job with benefits.

Fuck them. I hope they die a slow death.

My mom thinks I'm the one with the problem because I'm "still angry about all of this."

 

[Life sucks]

Many people don't believe traumatic experiences. I was abused, it was a traumatic experience that I never told anyone about and held it inside me for a lifetime. I tried talking to online friends about it and I only got ghosted or disbelieving. I think thats one of many reasons why life is shit. We are born into a random place and get abused then get pain and suffer until we die. Fortunately, I'm dissociated from the childhood past, however, I have other traumas and shit that happened later. There are also stuff which people would say its normal but it still traumatizing me to this day. Fuck this life and fuck humans.

 

[rebelsue]

Many people don't believe traumatic experiences. I was abused, it was a traumatic experience that I never told anyone about and held it inside me for a lifetime. I tried talking to online friends about it and I only got ghosted or disbelieving. I think thats one of many reasons why life is shit. We are born into a random place and get abused then get pain and suffer until we die. Fortunately, I'm dissociated from the past, however, I have other traumas and shit that happened later. There are also stuff which people would say its normal but it still traumatizing me to this day. Fuck this life and fuck humans.

Yeah I hear you.

 

[pete_x]

Fuck them. I hope they die a slow death. Let that fuel you in your recovery where it's useful. Just a suggestion.
Advice can be a dangerous gift.

 

[rebelsue]

Oh and after that the mother of the one person I loved more than anything in the world convinced me I wasn't good enough for him. And I believed her because I'm a nice person who likes to take people's opinions into consideration. I spent the first 5 years of our marriage struggling to be good enough for him and for her. And even after he cut her out of his life I still feel like I'm not good enough for him.

Any time I try to love anyone, they hurt me.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I relate to this completely.
My dad totally fucked me up - as a child, as a teen, and even still as an adult.
He hit me occassionally, but that didn't mess me up - it was the emotional and psychological abuse that did the most damage.
I've never had self-esteem or confidence or any sense of pride because of his constant bullying.
He hates me now because I'm a worthless piece of shit who can't make his life work, and it hasn't occurred to him that HE MADE ME THIS WAY.
In his mind I was never abused, I'm just a retarded fuck up. But I'm absolutely certain that if I had been raised by a kind, understanding man who built me up instead of tearing me down I would be a better person today.

 

[rebelsue]

I relate to this completely.
My dad totally fucked me up - as a child, as a teen, and even still as an adult.
He hit me occassionally, but that didn't mess me up - it was the emotional and psychological abuse that did the most damage.
I've never had self-esteem or confidence or any sense of pride because of his constant bullying.
He hates me now because I'm a worthless piece of shit who can't make his life work, and it hasn't occurred to him that HE MADE ME THIS WAY.
In his mind I was never abused, I'm just a redarded fuck up. But I'm absolutely certain that if I had been raised by a kind, understanding man who built me up instead of tearing me down I would be a better person today.

Yep my family thinks I am a retarded fuckup too. They think I "blame others" for my failures. Have they not noticed how hard I work and how much resposibility I take for myself? How much therapy and medical treatment I have suffered through to try to be a better person? THat is literally the definition of not blaming others. I think deserve to blame a few people now. I paid my damned dues.

 

[noaccount]

Sue, I'm really sorry that your brother internalized all that oppression and doesn't have the ethical compass to identify right and wrong. Often, people will do that when there's some compensation in it for them - ie, the transition from "battered minor" into adult male privilege. Sometimes, they will do it even when there isn't.

With all due respect, in this case, it sounds like being part of the tribe might be more likely to kill you.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

Man I feel this alot. My father (though I don't tend to refer to him as that) hurt me as a child because he's a very angry person. I have been diagnosed with PTSD by professionals but my family refuse to acknowledge this even though I;ve showed the signs since I was young. They say that I made it up and that I just want to break the family up because I don't like him. People don't fear people for no reason. I just get told that I'm a selfish liar who only thinks about myself and that I'm the reason why my mum is depressed and my father drinks. My therapist is helping me with this and she is so helpful with this type of thing, it's good to have someone listen to me and believe me as i'm not allowed feelings, well that's what I was taught growing up. Only smiles in this house or you're selfish was the motto. Hey ho.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@rebelsue and @Sad_Autistic_boy_101, you both tell such common stories about abusive families' narratives and dynamics, including how the OP's brother acts. I hear both of you about having your own lived stories negated by others. I've been fortunate that people outside of the family believed me, but within the family, I was always the blame for the abuse, and told that it wasn't that bad, to get over it, that my mother had a right to hit me, etc., and my dad was a cop, so I wasn't going to get any support from law enforcement because they would have protected him and my mom before me. I was also told by my mother since before grade school that I was trying to break her and my dad up, which was just so wtf?? Also that I was trying to control them, when that was such a projection, as my mother was hugely controlling, I just wanted control of myself.

It's so difficult and so crazy-making to be around folks who are other-defining, who claim to know what's going on inside of you and you don't, who claim to know more than you about what you experienced, whether it was with them or even when they weren't present for it!

@Sad_Autistic_boy_101, selfishness was the motto in your house; in mine, "normal" was my mom's gold standard, and "should" was at the level of prayer, it was invoked so much. I'm glad your therapist is understanding and supportive.

@rebelsue, thank you for posting this thread. Now I understand why people thanked me when I posted my own abuse journaling thread. It helps to hear when others have experienced something similar, especially since abusers and their enablers consistently deny that it was abuse, or that it happened. Sounds like your friends are enablers, too, which leads me to believe they may have abuse backgrounds but bought into a different story in order to survive. A main reason why my mother can't own her actions is because she has a story that she had a very happy childhood and a fantastic dad, when he was in fact a charismatic, alcoholic domestic abuser, and her mother also was violent with my mom and her brother, and both grandparents came from backgrounds of extreme abuse and control. My father doesn't even talk about his childhood, but the very few stories I've heard, his family was horrific, it must have been constant gaslighting and cruelty. I think he copes by completely distancing from it, and he's pretty emotionally distant.

If y'all are interested, I'm linking a thread with some books that gave me some additional validation and support. When I read this stuff, for me it's like having more irl people with me who get it and want me to heal, who say, "Yeah, that was indeed some messed-up shit you went through, and you do deserve to be un-enmeshed and to have a healthy relationship with yourself and others." After years of therapy and reading various books, these books were the best. Controlling Parents and the Patricia Evans books gave me the best perspectives, and Boundaries and In Sheep's Clothing gave me more perspective, as well as the best tools. I wish there were more tools available. I wish it were possible to 100% heal, but at least I stopped the cycles with me, and I've had profound healing, while my parents remain trapped in their illusions and have had little to no healing.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/resources-for-learning-boundaries.30500/

 

[FireFox]

@rebelsue
I am never experienced abuse within my family so i cant really advise

There lots of people in this world that have gone through abuse and have experienced with people dismissing and not believing them. You are not alone in what you are dealing with

Abuse within in families in is so common it is scary when you think of it. This topic is a societial taboo even in 2020.

Home.is not always in the safest place

Before the UK lockdown
campagin groups and charities did bring up the fact the lockdown will expose abused children to more harm.The government from pressure from the charities had to keep open schools for some children in certain sistuations because of this.

Abuse comes in many forms it doesnt have to be physcial. This is what lots of people dont understand and still fail to understand

All i say if people dont believe you then that is thier problem and thier issue.

You know what happened to you, what you experienced is real .

It is not your fault what happend. A mother is supposed to love her child and families are meant to support each other. Family is more than biology

I tried to send you a personal message but the sytem wont let me as you have limits on your profile

Anyway i just want to say i really am sorry for the comments i left on one of your threads.
i really i am sorry for hurting and upsetting you.
My comments were immature and stupid.
If ever need anyone just to talk about stuff ( anything even nornal stuff) am a personal message away.
If people dont like you it is thier problem and loss too.
Your amazing rebel sue.
Sod what others thinks
Dont let them get to you.
Take care and sorry
Love firefox

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

@rebelsue and @Sad_Autistic_boy_101, you both tell such common stories about abusive families' narratives and dynamics, including how the OP's brother acts. I hear both of you about having your own lived stories negated by others. I've been fortunate that people outside of the family believed me, but within the family, I was always the blame for the abuse, and told that it wasn't that bad, to get over it, that my mother had a right to hit me, etc., and my dad was a cop, so I wasn't going to get any support from law enforcement because they would have protected him and my mom before me. I was also told by my mother since before grade school that I was trying to break her and my dad up, which was just so wtf?? Also that I was trying to control them, when that was such a projection, as my mother was hugely controlling, I just wanted control of myself.

It's so difficult and so crazy-making to be around folks who are other-defining, who claim to know what's going on inside of you and you don't, who claim to know more than you about what you experienced, whether it was with them or even when they weren't present for it!

@Sad_Autistic_boy_101, selfishness was the motto in your house; in mine, "normal" was my mom's gold standard, and "should" was at the level of prayer, it was invoked so much. I'm glad your therapist is understanding and supportive.

I don't want the cops involved and I would never get them involved which is a choice I am personally making that I have discussed with my therapist. I'm just happy to get the help from my therapist and learn to live without my family. Yeah it's hard. It's darn hard and hurts like hell that my family was never there for me. I mean there were some good times when I was younger but my trauma takes over all the good stuff. Even if it's more verbal/ psychological than physical, it still leaves imprints and adds to mental illnesses.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@Sad_Autistic_boy_101, I totally agree that the verbal and psychological are just as bad, even worse, really. They can happen without the physical, but the physical never happens without them, it just compounds their effects. My flashbacks of the physical abuse are more emotional and psychological, it's the pain inside along with the physical pain that accompanied it.

Also, getting LE involved is not a guarantee that things will improve, they can in fact get worse.

As bad as my family was, I had some healthy attachment, and some regularity, even in regularity of abuse. I could have had it much worse. In some ways, being the scapegoat reinforced my inner strength and gave me ability to maintain some of myself throughout the abuse, so I had a foundation to build on when I got out of there and could start healing. There are varying degrees and levels of abuse, of attachment and organization/disorganization, predictability/unpredictability. I'm not grateful for the abuse, but I am grateful for what stabilizing things I did have when I see folks that got way more screwed than me, whether because of poverty, or extreme mental illness or substance abuse in a parent, or even worse abuse. But that is not negation of me or my experience. If one experiences trauma, then they have experienced trauma.

I remember in one childhood trauma recovery book I read, a woman was only abused by her father once, and he acted extremely inappropriately, but did not cross the line physically. So around other survivors of cst, she questioned the validity of her own feelings and need for recovery. Trauma is trauma. Abuse is abuse. And even if someone was abusive and didn't know they were being abusive, if the experience for the other person was traumatic and if it felt like abuse, then it was. Things are complex, but lived experience is the primary determinant, not all the side issues, and not whether another person responded to the same abuse in the same way.

Edit: Environment also plays a huge role in things. As @Good4Nothing said, he knows he would have better chance had his father been loving and supportive. People are more likely to be kind, calms and happy in a kind and gentle environment, and more likely to be unhappy, unkind, and even violent in a violent environment.

@Sad_Autistic_boy_101, I think that it is not a sign of good health to be smiling in a toxic environment; it is at best a sign of detachment, at worst a sign of dissociation.

 

[ssaaahmo]

I have one of those really subtle situations that I wonder if it is almost WORSE than more overt abuse. Nobody believes I was really abused and so they think I'm just a drama queen and that means social rejection and loneliness on top of dealing with the abuse aftermath.

My parents were just socially awkward, insecure, nervous people. My dad is one of those guys that is mediocre but thinks he is a misunderstood genius. My mom is a ditzy blonde who needed a daddy to rescue her and can't think for herself. They raised me to be exactly like them - a piece of shit. But the sad thing about growing up a piece of shit is that you often don't know you're a piece of shit. I figured it out a year ago and I'm 39. Looking back on my life, I see exactly why nothing worked out for me. I see why I am struggling now, too. But it feels way too big to change now. The traits are so entrenched. My dad hit us sometimes, mostly just yelled a lot. He insulted us a lot and insulted himself, ranted about all his failures and things he deserved but never got, and threatened suicide. Everything we did was wrong, or it was ignored. He was gross and embarrassing. But god forbid we ever complain about either of them. Mom and dad, the saints, united against the kids. We were always ungrateful and spoiled in their eyes even when I asked for nothing and just wanted to be left alone to do art projects and play piano and study. He beat my brother and called him stupid. But somehow my brother grew up to hate ME and not them. My mom lets the extended family believe I am crazy ... I tried to out them a year ago for what they did and nobody believed me. My aunt flat out told me she thinks I'm making it up and that my parents "must have just given up on me." My mom knows it all happened but takes my dad's side because he has money.

But because they had good jobs and no addictions or legal problems, because I had good grades in school, and got enough to eat and medical care, I wasn't abused. I should be able to be okay because other people had it worse.

Here's the thing about being psychologically tortured for 40 years...FUCK YOU. I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN OR JUSTIFY WHY MY TRAUMA IS REAL. ITS REAL. It was totally definitely abuse. I am now a shitty shitty person and I'm stuck this way. I have to learn to live with it somehow. Fuck them for burdening me with this undertaking. I work so hard every day to try to change. I don't know if I can change fast enough to still have successful happy life.

what your parents did is NOT okay AT ALL and i hope you find healing

 

[yearsandyears]

I have one of those really subtle situations that I wonder if it is almost WORSE than more overt abuse. Nobody believes I was really abused and so they think I'm just a drama queen and that means social rejection and loneliness on top of dealing with the abuse aftermath.

My parents were just socially awkward, insecure, nervous people. My dad is one of those guys that is mediocre but thinks he is a misunderstood genius. My mom is a ditzy blonde who needed a daddy to rescue her and can't think for herself. They raised me to be exactly like them - a piece of shit. But the sad thing about growing up a piece of shit is that you often don't know you're a piece of shit. I figured it out a year ago and I'm 39. Looking back on my life, I see exactly why nothing worked out for me. I see why I am struggling now, too. But it feels way too big to change now. The traits are so entrenched. My dad hit us sometimes, mostly just yelled a lot. He insulted us a lot and insulted himself, ranted about all his failures and things he deserved but never got, and threatened suicide. Everything we did was wrong, or it was ignored. He was gross and embarrassing. But god forbid we ever complain about either of them. Mom and dad, the saints, united against the kids. We were always ungrateful and spoiled in their eyes even when I asked for nothing and just wanted to be left alone to do art projects and play piano and study. He beat my brother and called him stupid. But somehow my brother grew up to hate ME and not them. My mom lets the extended family believe I am crazy ... I tried to out them a year ago for what they did and nobody believed me. My aunt flat out told me she thinks I'm making it up and that my parents "must have just given up on me." My mom knows it all happened but takes my dad's side because he has money.

But because they had good jobs and no addictions or legal problems, because I had good grades in school, and got enough to eat and medical care, I wasn't abused. I should be able to be okay because other people had it worse.

Here's the thing about being psychologically tortured for 40 years...FUCK YOU. I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN OR JUSTIFY WHY MY TRAUMA IS REAL. ITS REAL. It was totally definitely abuse. I am now a shitty shitty person and I'm stuck this way. I have to learn to live with it somehow. Fuck them for burdening me with this undertaking. I work so hard every day to try to change. I don't know if I can change fast enough to still have successful happy life.

I was abused really hard growing up with my parents. Sometimes there were reasons for my abuse, sometimes there were not. When I got to high school, I developed the confidence to call the cops on my parents each time they would team up and beat the shit out of me, doing things like:
- pushing me to the ground, kicking my head repeatedly while i was on the floor, would not allow me to get up, my dad typically would just sort of like "stomp" on my face so I couldn't get up
- dad would repeatedly slam my head against the wall (grabbing me by the back of my head and slamming my face against the wall repeatedly)
- dad would choke me, slap me so hard that my head would hit against the wall
- dad would whack me with a broom
- i once told my mom that my dad was cheating on her by talking to women online and they both beat the shit out of me. my parents forcefully pushed me back and forth while i stood in the middle. until i fell, they would both kick me while i was on the ground and told me that it's none of my business.
- sometimes my dad would slap my face repeatedly while my mom on the end just cheered on and said i'm deserving of it. usually she just doesn't intervene.

When I finally got the courage to call the cops, the cops did not believe me and accused me of lying. They told me that if I am lying I could get into a lot of trouble. So the abuse never stopped until i stopped living with them. Calling the cops is not helpful, no one gives a shit.

It sounds unbelievable what they did. But if you saw me in combat with another person, you would know well that it wasn't my first time physically attacking another human being.

It's weird if social workers try to speak to them now, they seem like rational people and that they would never do that kind of shit. I think people have trouble understanding that anyone is capable of doing horrifying shit even though it may not seem like it. That's the case for a lot of the murder documentaries I've seen. Those people who murder seem completely normal to their friends, coworkers, and family. No one would have suspected they would kill. But it's certainly possible.

 

[pole]

@yearsandyears @rebelsue

it's really saddening hearing stories from individuals like yourselves cause it just gives a person shivers, it's terrifying and i'm sorry about what you've gone through.

what makes it worse is being invalidated and not being understood and having you're voice heard and you're pain seen and recognized, and i'm sorry you've never been properly validated for everything you've gone through.

i hope the site helps to provide both of you with validation for what you have gone through because others can relate to what you have gone through, even if they haven't in the same way, they've felt how you have felt. we can all go through completely different situations but we all feel the same emotions and i hope you feel heard and understood here.

take care.

 

[Meowkin]

I have one of those really subtle situations that I wonder if it is almost WORSE than more overt abuse. Nobody believes I was really abused and so they think I'm just a drama queen and that means social rejection and loneliness on top of dealing with the abuse aftermath.

My parents were just socially awkward, insecure, nervous people. My dad is one of those guys that is mediocre but thinks he is a misunderstood genius. My mom is a ditzy blonde who needed a daddy to rescue her and can't think for herself. They raised me to be exactly like them - a piece of shit. But the sad thing about growing up a piece of shit is that you often don't know you're a piece of shit. I figured it out a year ago and I'm 39. Looking back on my life, I see exactly why nothing worked out for me. I see why I am struggling now, too. But it feels way too big to change now. The traits are so entrenched. My dad hit us sometimes, mostly just yelled a lot. He insulted us a lot and insulted himself, ranted about all his failures and things he deserved but never got, and threatened suicide. Everything we did was wrong, or it was ignored. He was gross and embarrassing. But god forbid we ever complain about either of them. Mom and dad, the saints, united against the kids. We were always ungrateful and spoiled in their eyes even when I asked for nothing and just wanted to be left alone to do art projects and play piano and study. He beat my brother and called him stupid. But somehow my brother grew up to hate ME and not them. My mom lets the extended family believe I am crazy ... I tried to out them a year ago for what they did and nobody believed me. My aunt flat out told me she thinks I'm making it up and that my parents "must have just given up on me." My mom knows it all happened but takes my dad's side because he has money.

But because they had good jobs and no addictions or legal problems, because I had good grades in school, and got enough to eat and medical care, I wasn't abused. I should be able to be okay because other people had it worse.

Here's the thing about being psychologically tortured for 40 years...FUCK YOU. I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN OR JUSTIFY WHY MY TRAUMA IS REAL. ITS REAL. It was totally definitely abuse. I am now a shitty shitty person and I'm stuck this way. I have to learn to live with it somehow. Fuck them for burdening me with this undertaking. I work so hard every day to try to change. I don't know if I can change fast enough to still have successful happy life.

There's nothing you need to explain. I think you've explained enough. I'm sorry you even had to explain in the first place. I think it's particularly damaging when people don't sympathise because you've "had it good" in their eyes. None of it was your fault but yet you bear the effects. I find that sad and I'm really sorry for your situation.

 

[streams20]

I have one of those really subtle situations that I wonder if it is almost WORSE than more overt abuse. Nobody believes I was really abused and so they think I'm just a drama queen and that means social rejection and loneliness on top of dealing with the abuse aftermath.

My parents were just socially awkward, insecure, nervous people. My dad is one of those guys that is mediocre but thinks he is a misunderstood genius. My mom is a ditzy blonde who needed a daddy to rescue her and can't think for herself. They raised me to be exactly like them - a piece of shit. But the sad thing about growing up a piece of shit is that you often don't know you're a piece of shit. I figured it out a year ago and I'm 39. Looking back on my life, I see exactly why nothing worked out for me. I see why I am struggling now, too. But it feels way too big to change now. The traits are so entrenched. My dad hit us sometimes, mostly just yelled a lot. He insulted us a lot and insulted himself, ranted about all his failures and things he deserved but never got, and threatened suicide. Everything we did was wrong, or it was ignored. He was gross and embarrassing. But god forbid we ever complain about either of them. Mom and dad, the saints, united against the kids. We were always ungrateful and spoiled in their eyes even when I asked for nothing and just wanted to be left alone to do art projects and play piano and study. He beat my brother and called him stupid. But somehow my brother grew up to hate ME and not them. My mom lets the extended family believe I am crazy ... I tried to out them a year ago for what they did and nobody believed me. My aunt flat out told me she thinks I'm making it up and that my parents "must have just given up on me." My mom knows it all happened but takes my dad's side because he has money.

But because they had good jobs and no addictions or legal problems, because I had good grades in school, and got enough to eat and medical care, I wasn't abused. I should be able to be okay because other people had it worse.

Here's the thing about being psychologically tortured for 40 years...FUCK YOU. I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN OR JUSTIFY WHY MY TRAUMA IS REAL. ITS REAL. It was totally definitely abuse. I am now a shitty shitty person and I'm stuck this way. I have to learn to live with it somehow. Fuck them for burdening me with this undertaking. I work so hard every day to try to change. I don't know if I can change fast enough to still have successful happy life.

I feel your pain. Grew up in a very similar home. Psychological trauma IMO is worse in some ways than physical trauma. One because you feel bad for even mentioning it, like it doesn't qualify, and no one sees the scars. No one knows what going on, everything looks fine. It's like an additional type of torture because you're hurting but no one knows. It sucks totally. My family now is a mess. None of the siblings talk to each other, my brother blames me for all sorts of things, haven't spoken to him in years. So complicated as is everyone's family. The only thing that's gotten me through is my faith, and that's really been a struggle lately as well but at least it's something.