Venting No place for me on this earth

[Mytimeisending]

I've known since I was a child that I was born just to be a carer for my mum, I spent years just accepting thats what I'm here for, however I'm 23, and I can't help but notice how so behind I am compared to others my age, I'm not allowed friends, a partner, to go outside unless someone was with me, no days out, I've just got to kinda be available 24/7 for whenever my mum needs something doing, and If I don't do it she'll make sure I know it. I'm not sure what but she's also being doing smear campaigns on me, so If I don't do what she says then she'll go behind my back to my other family, I'm not sure what she says but it's obviously bad enough that people don't like me. All my family hate me, because of the picture my mother has painted about me. I want to take control back and ctb. I didn't ask to be born, and I certainly didn't ask to be here purposely to be a carer. I just wanted a normal life and unfortunately 23 years later I'm still stuck in the same nightmare, Im still trapped unable to be a proper functioning human.Things got more bearable as a child as social services were watching, but now they're not involved she's gone back to how she was, expecting me to slave around after her. I've lost out on so much because of someone who was supposed to care for me. My 24th birthday is in 2 weeks, I think I won't be able to acquire SN by then, but I do have a heart condition that isnt stable at the minute, I have also stopped taking my heart medication, so hopefully my body does its own thing, but if not I will help it along the way, I'm not fearful of death, I'm quite excited tbh, something to look forward to on my birthday, which is usually a bad day of dread for me. I don't really know the purpose of this post, maybe just a vent. It's not often I get to speak to people, I feel like I can only be myself on this forum.

 

[Chronical_Suicidal]

Your thread is the answer for those who think living just for the sake of others is a solution for an empty life - well, it seems like it isn't.

 

[Mytimeisending]

You hit the nail on the head. It's a sustainable reason to survive, but it's not a sustainable way to actually live. It's exhausting to be your own last priority.

 

[vascomorrow]

I've known since I was a child that I was born just to be a carer for my mum, I spent years just accepting thats what I'm here for, however I'm 23, and I can't help but notice how so behind I am compared to others my age, I'm not allowed friends, a partner, to go outside unless someone was with me, no days out, I've just got to kinda be available 24/7 for whenever my mum needs something doing, and If I don't do it she'll make sure I know it. I'm not sure what but she's also being doing smear campaigns on me, so If I don't do what she says then she'll go behind my back to my other family, I'm not sure what she says but it's obviously bad enough that people don't like me. All my family hate me, because of the picture my mother has painted about me. I want to take control back and ctb. I didn't ask to be born, and I certainly didn't ask to be here purposely to be a carer. I just wanted a normal life and unfortunately 23 years later I'm still stuck in the same nightmare, Im still trapped unable to be a proper functioning human.Things got more bearable as a child as social services were watching, but now they're not involved she's gone back to how she was, expecting me to slave around after her. I've lost out on so much because of someone who was supposed to care for me. My 24th birthday is in 2 weeks, I think I won't be able to acquire SN by then, but I do have a heart condition that isnt stable at the minute, I have also stopped taking my heart medication, so hopefully my body does its own thing, but if not I will help it along the way, I'm not fearful of death, I'm quite excited tbh, something to look forward to on my birthday, which is usually a bad day of dread for me. I don't really know the purpose of this post, maybe just a vent. It's not often I get to speak to people, I feel like I can only be myself on this forum.

Do you mind if I ask what problems your mom has?

 

[Mytimeisending]

Do you mind if I ask what problems your mom has?

She had a brain hemorrhage as a child, then multiple strokes which left her hemiplegic, which ultimately led her to being in a wheelchair, she's eligible for carers but won't take them because she "has me".

 

[vascomorrow]

She had a brain hemorrhage as a child, then multiple strokes which left her hemiplegic, which ultimately led her to being in a wheelchair, she's eligible for carers but won't take them because she "has me".

Thats sad sorry.

 

[X-sanguinate86]

I hope you can find peace soon, by whichever means you choose.

 

[Mytimeisending]

I hope you can find peace soon, by whichever means you choose.

Thankyouu I hope so too