exhaustedanonymous
everything that lives is gone to waste
- Nov 14, 2022
- 135
i'm really sorry if i'm doing something wrong when i post this. i reread all the rules and tried to do all the right things but whenever i do anything i think that i'm doing it wrong, so i'm sorry if this is wrong, i tried my best but clearly my best, the deepest most honest effort i have, was never enough anywhere else so maybe even here it's no different. please be gentle if i did do something wrong, i can fix it or i can just go
i used to have people who cared about me and who would listen, one person in particular, but i'm such a disgusting excuse for a person i drove everyone- especially her- away. i weighed her and all of them down and i drained their energy and time. i just want all of this to be over. i'm in the process of getting diagnosed with a personality disorder, maybe, (bpd), and it really does seem like i have it, and my mood swings are just getting unbearable and theres no one to talk too or listen or help anymore. pro-lifers are always screaming that i need to reach out for help and i have hundreds of times and now i'm just too tired. no one stays, everything moves. living means accepting that nothing lasts forever, and that means i can't handle living. i was in six different schools, four different therapists but a lot more doctors (none of which even took me seriously, because i don't "seem" suicidal enough) bounced off in tens of friend groups, and now the one person i wanted to stay so bad- her- she's gone. she left with everything else.
i don't.. want to be here anymore. suicide lifelines are just even more exhausting, none of them help at all. nothing helps. when i try to "distract myself" i just feel like a fraud until i break and cry harder all over again. there's nothing anymore. i just want someone, i just want her to listen and sit with me. i don't want her to do anything. i just want her to hear me and say she cares and stay for just a little little bit longer but i'm sure, even if she was gracious enough to do that for me, for the sake of old times, i'd mess it up all over again.
it's not her fault, obviously. i've been suicide since like third grade, long long before i met her. i hope she doesn't think it's her fault. all i can think about is wonder if she'd try to come to the funeral, but ever since i moved i think i'm too far away for that. i don't think she would. that makes me a little bit calmer, because I have my method picked and things and she wouldn't have to see me all weird looking dead.
does anyone else feel like this? does anyone else want someone to hear to bad? at this point there's no saving me i don't think, but i just want to tell people about my method and about how scared i am and just.. whatever. i want to go home so bad.
i guess this could be my introduction to the forum, i guess. i'm a newbie. i hope i didn't do anything wrong by posting this. i hope it's not in the wrong category or considered off topic. i don't know what else to do. i want someone to hold my hand.
i used to have people who cared about me and who would listen, one person in particular, but i'm such a disgusting excuse for a person i drove everyone- especially her- away. i weighed her and all of them down and i drained their energy and time. i just want all of this to be over. i'm in the process of getting diagnosed with a personality disorder, maybe, (bpd), and it really does seem like i have it, and my mood swings are just getting unbearable and theres no one to talk too or listen or help anymore. pro-lifers are always screaming that i need to reach out for help and i have hundreds of times and now i'm just too tired. no one stays, everything moves. living means accepting that nothing lasts forever, and that means i can't handle living. i was in six different schools, four different therapists but a lot more doctors (none of which even took me seriously, because i don't "seem" suicidal enough) bounced off in tens of friend groups, and now the one person i wanted to stay so bad- her- she's gone. she left with everything else.
i don't.. want to be here anymore. suicide lifelines are just even more exhausting, none of them help at all. nothing helps. when i try to "distract myself" i just feel like a fraud until i break and cry harder all over again. there's nothing anymore. i just want someone, i just want her to listen and sit with me. i don't want her to do anything. i just want her to hear me and say she cares and stay for just a little little bit longer but i'm sure, even if she was gracious enough to do that for me, for the sake of old times, i'd mess it up all over again.
it's not her fault, obviously. i've been suicide since like third grade, long long before i met her. i hope she doesn't think it's her fault. all i can think about is wonder if she'd try to come to the funeral, but ever since i moved i think i'm too far away for that. i don't think she would. that makes me a little bit calmer, because I have my method picked and things and she wouldn't have to see me all weird looking dead.
does anyone else feel like this? does anyone else want someone to hear to bad? at this point there's no saving me i don't think, but i just want to tell people about my method and about how scared i am and just.. whatever. i want to go home so bad.
i guess this could be my introduction to the forum, i guess. i'm a newbie. i hope i didn't do anything wrong by posting this. i hope it's not in the wrong category or considered off topic. i don't know what else to do. i want someone to hold my hand.