Hi, M20 here. This is the most I'm comfortable sharing and frankly thinks necessary.
I need to confess. I must. My heart can't hold it anymore. This is going to be long and please I request to not view this as entertainment. English is my 2nd language so go easy on this silly goofer.
I suffer from long-term depression, anxiety, extreme mood swings, Guilt, shame, jealousy, thoughts of suicide and history with self-harm & God know what not. Just yesterday I brought a blade. Put some cuts on my thigh & attempted to cut "BITCH" but I failed so comically. Let us begin with the events that creates such specimens.
I was and still am a very introverted, sensitive (still cries like a baby. Pathetic) and a late bloomer. Naturally, I was bullied ruthelessly in school. I mean Im like a wet dream for bullies lol. A reoccurring theme. One more important theme that would develop when I was in school was the constant misfortunes & mishaps that my family would face. We went from having a car to literally unable to afford food sometimes. God knows how scared I was to inform the fees was due. It would send my parents into such frenzy & troubles. They suffered a lot too, poor Mom & Dad.
The college was uneventful. The troubles only got worse. We, now, live in a house only with bricks (NO shit!) with no plaster or paint. Bricks and 4 walls, thats it. Aww! Our own pocket hell. So many horrors took place in there. Constant fights within the family and outside. Traumatic, drove me insane. Its only gonna get worse.
Me & my brothers used to go to work with my father time to time. I remember we had a 3rd hand 2000's "bike" which was such a trouble, gave out smoke like those musquito extinguisher vehicles. God It was so embarrasing near traffic stops when bikers behind us passed remarks on us. I remember going to church singing Christian rhymes in our car to this circumstances. Yeah also my Dad got into an accident (2nd time) while going to church, how ironic. I used to hug him every night from work while riding home and we softly reassure each other that its going to get better. Once our bike broke down & my Dad with his leg still not recovered from the accident somehow walked so far to get something to get it fixed. I will never forget that day. Hell is empty because all the devils are here on Earth. Partially true. The whole truth is Hell is empty but the heaven is full. The ship is full and it has sailed away. In short, God has abandon us a long time ago. Its still going to get worse. At some point, I got numb to these daily realities so nightmarish. Once whip a donkey, it may screech in protest and increase its pace. But keep on doing it the donkey will go numb at one stage. It accepts the hogging as a natural part of its life and endures it.
I just turned 18. Things although slow are getting better. A little more endurance and it might just go back to "normal". I was so optimistic, childishly hopeful & spiritual. FUCK, I woke up one day in hurry by my brother [ I can't describe this]. Its too much even for this donkey. Hospitalization. [ sorry]. Few days later my brother gets a call in the early morning while he was getting ready to go to hospital. "He passed away?" my brother shouted with grief, shock, and disbelief. "He" refers to my Father. [This side routes are the only way I can word it & still remain sane]
I sat on the bike. It was early, a very peaceful morning. I was in awe with the beauty of sunrays passing through the tree line. The smoke from our Panigale v4 made others cough at the signal but does it matter anymore? I absolutely didn't believe it. Its a prank, a sick one but a prank atleast a misunderstanding or misinterpretation. It wasn't. I stood there, no tears came because somehow I still couldn't believe it. I cried horribly in my room but again tears didn't came at the funeral. My Brain said that it would all go normal in 3 days just like jesus resurection. I firmly believed that. I slept soundly and ate plentiful. I made sure 3 days pass as fast as possible. On 3rd day, I checked every room. I don't have words for this. NO words would suffice for what I felt and what I went through. I want to die, a painful one if possible. It's been almost 2 years I don't think I considered myself even slightly healed. It was cruel, how can I accept it? Make us suffer for 7 years and end all hopes for future on the last moment when it's about to end? If there is a God I would spit on him. I cut my biceps so badly back then, had episodes of such agony and unbearable pain. Ahh I can't.
The horrors still won't stop. I prepared so hard for the exam next year in grief but I couldn't even get the dates. It was a US exam, In my country its not that easy to get dates also my brother fucked it up. I got a job at the end of year but I was bullied so badly by my seniors, I quit in 4 months. My dates again postponed to the end of this year. Another year simply rotting away at home. Why can't anything go right in my life. It's a pain to suffer for something your not responsible for. God I want to end it, it's been so long I don't even remember what it means to be human anymore. If, in some faintest memory in my past if I was ever a human I don't recognize it anymore. I'm not longer human.
I can yap longer about many other woes but it's repetitive and already got so long and I'm tired and hungry. If you come this far, genuinely, thank you. I love you, OMG really not even my closest friends would ever hear all this. "Your doing it for attention", "Your not the only one that suffers", "Stop ruining everything" wonderful words from closest people. Anyone wanna talk they can PM me. I would love to talk if Asian it's better we can do it together I'd love to have a partner in my rage quit lol.
Take care, Dolores.
I need to confess. I must. My heart can't hold it anymore. This is going to be long and please I request to not view this as entertainment. English is my 2nd language so go easy on this silly goofer.
I suffer from long-term depression, anxiety, extreme mood swings, Guilt, shame, jealousy, thoughts of suicide and history with self-harm & God know what not. Just yesterday I brought a blade. Put some cuts on my thigh & attempted to cut "BITCH" but I failed so comically. Let us begin with the events that creates such specimens.
I was and still am a very introverted, sensitive (still cries like a baby. Pathetic) and a late bloomer. Naturally, I was bullied ruthelessly in school. I mean Im like a wet dream for bullies lol. A reoccurring theme. One more important theme that would develop when I was in school was the constant misfortunes & mishaps that my family would face. We went from having a car to literally unable to afford food sometimes. God knows how scared I was to inform the fees was due. It would send my parents into such frenzy & troubles. They suffered a lot too, poor Mom & Dad.
The college was uneventful. The troubles only got worse. We, now, live in a house only with bricks (NO shit!) with no plaster or paint. Bricks and 4 walls, thats it. Aww! Our own pocket hell. So many horrors took place in there. Constant fights within the family and outside. Traumatic, drove me insane. Its only gonna get worse.
Me & my brothers used to go to work with my father time to time. I remember we had a 3rd hand 2000's "bike" which was such a trouble, gave out smoke like those musquito extinguisher vehicles. God It was so embarrasing near traffic stops when bikers behind us passed remarks on us. I remember going to church singing Christian rhymes in our car to this circumstances. Yeah also my Dad got into an accident (2nd time) while going to church, how ironic. I used to hug him every night from work while riding home and we softly reassure each other that its going to get better. Once our bike broke down & my Dad with his leg still not recovered from the accident somehow walked so far to get something to get it fixed. I will never forget that day. Hell is empty because all the devils are here on Earth. Partially true. The whole truth is Hell is empty but the heaven is full. The ship is full and it has sailed away. In short, God has abandon us a long time ago. Its still going to get worse. At some point, I got numb to these daily realities so nightmarish. Once whip a donkey, it may screech in protest and increase its pace. But keep on doing it the donkey will go numb at one stage. It accepts the hogging as a natural part of its life and endures it.
I just turned 18. Things although slow are getting better. A little more endurance and it might just go back to "normal". I was so optimistic, childishly hopeful & spiritual. FUCK, I woke up one day in hurry by my brother [ I can't describe this]. Its too much even for this donkey. Hospitalization. [ sorry]. Few days later my brother gets a call in the early morning while he was getting ready to go to hospital. "He passed away?" my brother shouted with grief, shock, and disbelief. "He" refers to my Father. [This side routes are the only way I can word it & still remain sane]
I sat on the bike. It was early, a very peaceful morning. I was in awe with the beauty of sunrays passing through the tree line. The smoke from our Panigale v4 made others cough at the signal but does it matter anymore? I absolutely didn't believe it. Its a prank, a sick one but a prank atleast a misunderstanding or misinterpretation. It wasn't. I stood there, no tears came because somehow I still couldn't believe it. I cried horribly in my room but again tears didn't came at the funeral. My Brain said that it would all go normal in 3 days just like jesus resurection. I firmly believed that. I slept soundly and ate plentiful. I made sure 3 days pass as fast as possible. On 3rd day, I checked every room. I don't have words for this. NO words would suffice for what I felt and what I went through. I want to die, a painful one if possible. It's been almost 2 years I don't think I considered myself even slightly healed. It was cruel, how can I accept it? Make us suffer for 7 years and end all hopes for future on the last moment when it's about to end? If there is a God I would spit on him. I cut my biceps so badly back then, had episodes of such agony and unbearable pain. Ahh I can't.
The horrors still won't stop. I prepared so hard for the exam next year in grief but I couldn't even get the dates. It was a US exam, In my country its not that easy to get dates also my brother fucked it up. I got a job at the end of year but I was bullied so badly by my seniors, I quit in 4 months. My dates again postponed to the end of this year. Another year simply rotting away at home. Why can't anything go right in my life. It's a pain to suffer for something your not responsible for. God I want to end it, it's been so long I don't even remember what it means to be human anymore. If, in some faintest memory in my past if I was ever a human I don't recognize it anymore. I'm not longer human.
I can yap longer about many other woes but it's repetitive and already got so long and I'm tired and hungry. If you come this far, genuinely, thank you. I love you, OMG really not even my closest friends would ever hear all this. "Your doing it for attention", "Your not the only one that suffers", "Stop ruining everything" wonderful words from closest people. Anyone wanna talk they can PM me. I would love to talk if Asian it's better we can do it together I'd love to have a partner in my rage quit lol.
Take care, Dolores.
.
