Venting No fight left

[deletedaccount30982]

I haven't done any assigned work from my treatment team in over a week. I still go to groups and follow programming schedule only because that allows me privileges like extra time on my phone or walks without staff. I just don't feel any benefit from any of it. It's all things I've already learned in my years and years in treatment. It only serves to remind me of how much I don't wish to try and get better. Of how much I truly just want to die. I don't have any fight left in me. I'm so ready to give up. I miss my cat. I don't think I'll ever see her again. I don't think I'll ever make it back to my home state. I plan to CTB as soon as possible.

I am a shell of who I once was.

 

[human909]

Same, I might be a bit happier now but i still suffer from depression inside my brain. I also wish to CTB as soon as possible to get out of this world. I hope you find peace soon.

 

[deletedaccount30982]

I just wanna die. I can't do this anymore. Please.

 

[scaredalone]

I haven't done any assigned work from my treatment team in over a week. I still go to groups and follow programming schedule only because that allows me privileges like extra time on my phone or walks without staff. I just don't feel any benefit from any of it. It's all things I've already learned in my years and years in treatment. It only serves to remind me of how much I don't wish to try and get better. Of how much I truly just want to die. I don't have any fight left in me. I'm so ready to give up. I miss my cat. I don't think I'll ever see her again. I don't think I'll ever make it back to my home state. I plan to CTB as soon as possible.

I am a shell of who I once was.

I'm so sorry. I'm also too exhausted, I've spent the last years mustering what strength I could into returning to normalcy. But regardless of what functional ability I found nothing improved internally.
After dealing with horrific people at my job I quit, spend the entire of the winter unemployed and trying to bring myself to finish assignments to advance my education. Now? I can't bring myself to do anything at all. I'm powerless to change my fate.
My therapist is doesn't help at all despite the hefty expense. I just want out.

Obviously no words will ease or comfort you, we're beyond that. But the extent that it means anything, I really truly am sorry. I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry for me. For everyone. I hope we can gain some peace.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

after all this, you deserve the relief you desire. only you know your limit. we're here with you.

 

[CatLvr]

My heart breaks for you, sweetie. You have tried so hard and done above and beyond what I have seen anybody do to try and get better. I'm so sorry you have the added trauma of being away from the cat you love. Rest when you can. I will light a candle for you. Whatever you decide, whenever it happens, know you are loved, even though you cannot love yourself.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

What's the point of fighting anymore...

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[deletedaccount30982]

I made it my goal today to try and work on some assignments. I did it for two minutes and was immediately met with an overwhelming feeling of genuine lack of desire to get better. I do not want to get better at all, I want to die. I do not want to try in treatment at all. I want to die. I don't want to go to therapy, I want to die. I don't want to be pumped full of meds. I want to die. There is no point in being here. I WANT to die. I hope my lack of willingness to engage will get me out of here faster.

 

[crocune]

It sounds like executive disfunction. Have you checked yourself for adhd

 

[deletedaccount30982]

It sounds like executive disfunction. Have you checked yourself for adhd

Executive dysfunction and suicidality are two very different things. I have ADHD and executive dysfunction, which is very distinct from my deep rooted desire to not exist.

 

[deletedaccount30982]

I broke down in my room today. One of the staff came in to me laying on my floor sobbing when they came to do rounds. They sat with me and said some stuff. It felt heartfelt and genuine. She acknowledged that what I'm going through isn't an easy situation and she can understand why I just want to be done. I cried so hard my nose started bleeding and my eye started to swell shut.