Venting No desire to live

[sadteachermom1]

I truly have no desire to live any more. I think daily of ways to remove myself from the unending misery of life. I don't because of my 18 and 16 year old daughters and my parents. My poor parents have done everything possible to help me, but I'm hopeless. My daughters are innocents that don't deserve to live with the legacy of my suicide. I love them so much, but have absolutely failed them. I never should have had them, as my husband and I both have clinical depression and anxiety. I have saddled them with a lifetime of pain. Why can't I just die a natural death? A stroke, fatal car accident, etc. My life is ruined by astronomical medical debt that I will never be free of, in addition to student loan debt I will never be free of. Ketamine therapy worked while I could afford it, but I can't afford it any more. The American healthcare system is beyond cruel. The state where I live pays teachers shit wages. There is absolutely no hope. I want to die so very, very much. I hate myself and I hate every day of my life. I have battled suicidal depression for 40 years and I am so, so very tired.

 

[Sulyya]

I'm impressed by how much that you've done with this affliction. I don't blame you for feeling tired. Clearly you're strong.

 

[HybridSpectre]

I'm not a teacher, but it's so demoralizing, the thought of a teacher getting low wages for so much hard work, while her student no matter the profession he ends up in, gets relatively higher wages, sometimes for work that doesn't even look worth the pay. Another evidence of just how much the world's broken. I'm really sorry sadteachermom1 for your plight.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be so awful feeling trapped in that situation, the reality is that there could never be any peace from suffering in this hellish world, life certainly is just endless misery and torment.