No control

[deathtakeme]

Im not in control im not smart enough to figure this out. I wasted my life away isolating in my room. Ive been buying time by lying to my parents and now they think they can just fix me by taking me to a psychiatrist. Im too old for this i dont feel like i belong to myself i dont feel like i can decide my fate. I dont even know how or where to go to get it over with i need control. This is the only way out im from a 3rd world country im surrounded by ignorant people i feel like i will be led somewhere i dont want to all because im stupid and complacent. I don't want to kill myself but it's just my ego keeping me here, or my body, im not sure, the narcissist in me. Please help i dont belong to myself.

 

[andreamysk]

You know, they don't necessarily have to 'fix' you, but just help you understand how to manage this situation of yours in which, evidently, you are not well at all. Try to give a minimum of credit to this psychiatrist you speak of, a little time, and see what happens... You will regain control, sooner or later, have faith

 

[deathtakeme]

I want to trust them but im afraid it will be blind trust i havent been around people in so long im barely here. I just know im light years behind my peers and ive caged myself in instead of joining reality. The thought of not having control freaks me out. The only way I can control the outcome of my life long inaction is death. That's the same as not doing anything. Not creating anything. I might as well not exist. I will never know that happiness all because i was a coward. Is this not the same as essentially being dead, to live in perpetual darkness?

 

[deathtakeme]

I think i need to die but I know i wont. I will keep rotting. I wish someone kind could lull me into a peaceful death. I don't know what kindness is and i will likely never feel the joys of life because i dont create them. Do you think a true empath would help me realize my wish instead of getting me on meds? I truly do not exist. People only like an image of you they dont care what goes on in your head. Mine is damaged. I will be small forever. In a big body. If only i could stop being. I know inside i have. They dont care.