guilt and grief is always with me. It grows through my body and eats my mind like cancer. Often, I lose my sense of time.
Sometimes a get a little break from the turmoil. Just for a little while.
When grief and guilt set in - it hits me harder than before. Then it's the same feeling as waking up from the worst nightmare, only that the nightmare is my life.
All that happens while I am completely conscious. It is like hell.
In these moments, I so much long for an impulsive method. It's a relieving thought to shoot my heart with a nailgun or to make my neck break by hanging. Or to just shoot myself.
In slightly less distressing times, I once found relief in planning the perfect ctb. But there is no perfect one. And the effort to actually plan and do it is so high… I feel like my mind gets detached from myself, it is getting heavier and heavier. Everything about myself feels so surreal.
I am dead. Whatever I thought I was, whatever it was that made me myself, is long gone. I woke up from an illusion. I would love to say I'm just a shell of a person, but that's not true. My personality is gone, my hope is gone, my joy is gone. And, yet, I'm more than a shell, but everything what is left is just pain.
Ctb to me doesn't sound appealing anymore. I always thought that there is "nothing" when I stopped breathing. That was a better outlook than living like this. But probably it's too long ago that I experienced that nothing in a good night of sleep.
It's just a nightmare. At first, it felt I could continue after my loss, then I realized that it was my fault to lose it and I realized how valuable it was. Grief and guilt set in, and it felt as if I have lost everything in just a second. It all fell apart in just a glimpse of an eye. In hindsight, I was falling my entire life, and now just crashed.
The more surrealistic it becomes, the more i hope that I would just wake up. And I know that the only one who could turn things around is myself. When I felt like "I had it all" I wasn't settled. I had my ambitions, some drive, and of course I didn't accomplish anything that I dreamt of, but that's just life, that's ok! Now, I feel I struggle more than ever and I know I cannot go back. And the best things that could happen now, would never fill that void that has always been part of me and was just filled with illusions over a few years.
I'm so lethargic that I know, I only can make things worse by not taking any action. I'm about to lose even more — but I don't care, nothing matters anymore. I feel like a wounded animal that has lost its tribe… sitting there, giving up hope, waiting for the end.
That's it. I'm waiting.
Waiting for the end.
Sometimes a get a little break from the turmoil. Just for a little while.
When grief and guilt set in - it hits me harder than before. Then it's the same feeling as waking up from the worst nightmare, only that the nightmare is my life.
All that happens while I am completely conscious. It is like hell.
In these moments, I so much long for an impulsive method. It's a relieving thought to shoot my heart with a nailgun or to make my neck break by hanging. Or to just shoot myself.
In slightly less distressing times, I once found relief in planning the perfect ctb. But there is no perfect one. And the effort to actually plan and do it is so high… I feel like my mind gets detached from myself, it is getting heavier and heavier. Everything about myself feels so surreal.
I am dead. Whatever I thought I was, whatever it was that made me myself, is long gone. I woke up from an illusion. I would love to say I'm just a shell of a person, but that's not true. My personality is gone, my hope is gone, my joy is gone. And, yet, I'm more than a shell, but everything what is left is just pain.
Ctb to me doesn't sound appealing anymore. I always thought that there is "nothing" when I stopped breathing. That was a better outlook than living like this. But probably it's too long ago that I experienced that nothing in a good night of sleep.
It's just a nightmare. At first, it felt I could continue after my loss, then I realized that it was my fault to lose it and I realized how valuable it was. Grief and guilt set in, and it felt as if I have lost everything in just a second. It all fell apart in just a glimpse of an eye. In hindsight, I was falling my entire life, and now just crashed.
The more surrealistic it becomes, the more i hope that I would just wake up. And I know that the only one who could turn things around is myself. When I felt like "I had it all" I wasn't settled. I had my ambitions, some drive, and of course I didn't accomplish anything that I dreamt of, but that's just life, that's ok! Now, I feel I struggle more than ever and I know I cannot go back. And the best things that could happen now, would never fill that void that has always been part of me and was just filled with illusions over a few years.
I'm so lethargic that I know, I only can make things worse by not taking any action. I'm about to lose even more — but I don't care, nothing matters anymore. I feel like a wounded animal that has lost its tribe… sitting there, giving up hope, waiting for the end.
That's it. I'm waiting.
Waiting for the end.
