Newbie. Thanks for reading me.

[dandan]

I've got Cyanide and Nitrogen equipment, but I am scared of failure. Will look for N now.

I have invested in the Nitrogen tank , regulator and oven bags. But now im afraid of failure and only causing brain damage.
I have purchased Sodium Cyanide, 1Kg, but now I am afraid it will only cause great harm or damage.

So I am planning to go to little towns outside the city I live in and look for Nembutal, because in the city I have not been able to buy it.

How can I trust Nitrogen or Cyanide? Not possible, I can trust two bottle of N, I can do that.

im very sorry for the pain my death will cause to others, to my mother and bother, but I lived 20 years with enough pain, mental instability, fear , and progressive lost of my abilities, specially mental abilities

My memory sucks now, I can hardly earn a living nowadays and I am very close to loosing my job

I need to ctb, do you understand?

My mother has said, she respects my decision, she has heard me say I will look for a way out.

she knows how much I have suffered.

im so scared of failing at killing myself.

Tried the Nitrogen Tank once, and it failed , got disconnected and then ran out of gas. shitty story

I can not talk about this to anyone!! not in the office not during my day, This is the only place I've got to vent, thanks for reading me so far!!

 

[Chlo]

Cyanide seems like a pretty painful way to go...saw a video once of a man in a court room who stealthily took cyanide pills after receiving a guilty sentence — it didn't look or sound pleasant. In any case, I hope you're able to find peace soon. Glad you have a supportive mother who you can talk to about this sort of thing, that's rare.

 

[Jen Erik]

Tried the Nitrogen Tank once, and it failed , got disconnected and then ran out of gas. shitty story

I would be interested in hearing about your experience.

 

[dandan]

I have never ever remembered that night.
I know I had been planning it for weeks, obtained the tank and regulator via web, because the regulator at the shop didn't regulate at 15/L.
I really wanted to go, so having all the equipment at my room, I said, what the hell, tonight's the night.
I'm smart but I dont know why I make/made so many mistakes, that night and in life.
I didn't had a chair where I could sit and put a bag over my head, so I did it on the bed, with my back against the wall with a couple of pillows behind my back.
untangling the tube was a task, I was clumsy.
trying to push all air out of the bag was a task, I even had to stand up and look against a mirror
awful and scared it wouldnt work I tested the regulator and the airflow
by the time I tought it would work I sat in bed, started to fill the ovenbag with air, and did some breathing
felt stupid, didnt knew if I was doing it right
I then push out all the air I could, pulled the bag down my head and tight it at the neck, took a deep breath and rely on my back
I remember TV was on, and I started to feel excitement, like a high
scared it wasnt working I kept at the position, inhaling and exhaling
afraid, maybe dizzy maybe just psychological fear
I wasn't loosing consiousness, I looked at the cylinder, seemed fine
wished it was faster, I thought I did something wrong, I pulled the tube, pulled to fast, the pressure had loosen tube, and me pulling was enough to get disconnected, I wasn't sure there was enough Nitrogen in the tank to redo the process.
I've refilled the tank now,
but now im not sure it's enough.
this is the tank, I dont know if its enough: https://http2.mlstatic.com/accesorios-repuestos-D_NP_665186-MLM27507362607_062018-Q.webp

I wish I could do it now, but now Im looking to see if I go looking for N this weekend. probably not that frightening, because failing at Nitrogen could be worse, doing more damage to myself

 

[Jen Erik]

Thanks for sharing. It sounds like it was a frustrating and disappointing experience for you, I'm sorry it didn't work out.

 

[Lara Francis]

Hi dandan.
Wishing u a warm welcome to the forum.
I think many of us understand how u r feeling right now and u r not alone.

Its is a perfectly rational to worry about failure and side effects should u live and to be scared.
I am sorry to hear your suffering.At least u have an understanding mum who respects your choice which should take some pressure off.
Please be careful when buying N because their are alot of scammers out there.
I know people have had good experiences using A
Wishing you peace,and safe travels.

 

[dandan]

Thanks I think I should say, leaving my mom is the hardest, she did everything she could to help me.
Actually I can not buy N from A, because A doesn't ship within Mexico.
I have tried Vet shops without success , so I will go to smaller towns out of the city hoping I get lucky and buy N even at a really high price if possible.

I am at the office, do you guys believe I can not do my job? I had been assigned a new task 5 months ago, I completely suck at it.
I have the memory of an alzheimer's, everything I read and study I forget, its so disturbing and unpleasant.

 

[Lara Francis]

I think i read somewhere that it may be possible to get n in mexico from vets if u say you have pet /farm animals that you wish to euthanise yourself at home

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

If you have enough cyanide you don't need to be afraid of failure.

 

[dandan]

Am afraid what Ive got its not 99% pure cyanide. I dont want to end up with a damaged stomach and intestine. they say its 99% pure but , I need a test kit or someting. I dont know how to test it.

I rather first, go this Saturday for a vet outside the city, but it is not as easy as folklore stories on the internet where you just go in a vet shop, and ask for N and they give it to you, thats BS, or that was it in the 90's. Now there are more restrictions. I believe A is probably a Vet himself. Because there are now federal (national) serialized invoices for N. Only vets are allowed to prescribe them, and they need to be accounted for, unless its stolen material or shady business. I'll make an attempt on the weekend

 

[dandan]

I think i read somewhere that it may be possible to get n in mexico from vets if u say you have pet /farm animals that you wish to euthanise yourself at home

Yes it was, but they only had 1 bottle in stock.

I have been told there are other places.