New, Suicidal, and Bipolar

[WinterFaust]

Oh, you're definitely not alone. I think that from the outside looking in it looks like we're wallowing in self pity. But it's not at all. Every day of depression is a fight just to do anything at all. If you can get out of bed at all, then you've done fantastic and should feel proud. If you can't, then "oh well". Tomorrow's another day and you can try again. I honestly cannot give you any advice on how to get out of such a deep depression, for me the only thing that helps is time. As soon as it lifts a little, that's when you can start to do things that might "help yourself". Such as seeking new drug treatments, therapy, blah blah.

Thank you. I will try to count those moments as a win going forward. I'm just so tired, you know?

When do we see reality as it really is and when do we see it through the dark veil of depression? When is our pain a product of our life circumstances and when is it a product of our inherent instability? It can be very difficult to tell sometimes. Maybe your situation really is hopeless, maybe it isn't. However, you're still alive, you're here discussing your problems, and you don't wallow in self-pity and bitterness. That indicates that you still have a fighting spirit and shouldn't give up just yet.

I definitely think you should pursue help. What do you have to lose? When facing the prospect of dying by your own hand, anything goes.

To be quite honest, I have been doing a lot of wallowing and feeling bitter. The people who were in my life have moved on and are doing well without sparing me a single thought and they probably wouldn't if I caught the bus. Meanwhile, without their support I've fallen into utter ruin. I'm bitter with myself. I've gone to therapy and taken meds up until two months ago and stopped because I didn't see any progress. I often wonder if this is all I had and if this is it, am I going to die with nothing I can be proud of and no one to care? You're absolutely right that I have nothing to lose but today it feels like why try if I've already lost, you know? Wallowing in self pity at its finest, haha

 

[Sensei]

To be quite honest, I have been doing a lot of wallowing and feeling bitter. The people who were in my life have moved on and are doing well without sparing me a single thought and they probably wouldn't if I caught the bus. Meanwhile, without their support I've fallen into utter ruin. I'm bitter with myself. I've gone to therapy and taken meds up until two months ago and stopped because I didn't see any progress. I often wonder if this is all I had and if this is it, am I going to die with nothing I can be proud of and no one to care? You're absolutely right that I have nothing to lose but today it feels like why try if I've already lost, you know? Wallowing in self pity at its finest, haha

Well, you certainly haven't wallowed in self-pity and been bitter in your posts so far. There are so many people here who are so utterly defeatist and resentful that their belief that their situation is completely hopeless becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. You don't give the impression of being such a person at all.

As for something to be proud of, you are statistically more likely to be open-minded, creative, and capable of cognitive disinhibition than the general population, and that's an asset that can be utilised. I became an author several years after I developed bipolar disorder, so I know for certain it's possible to accomplish something even when suffering from this devilish illness. I'm sure you have some talent you can utilise in some way.

Someone to care for... That's the tricky part, isn't it? Many, if not most, of us suffer from social disability. We're impulsive, moody, irritable, and unstable, which doesn't exactly help in friendship and love. I've actually made a few friends and found a couple of lovers since I fell ill, but I've blown it almost every single time. I think the trick is to become aware of how our illness affects our social behaviour, but it's not easy.

I don't know your situation, but I get the impression that you haven't explored all options yet. With options I mean medicines. I've met so many bipolar people who have tried different medicines and finally found the right one and become able to live something very close to a normal life. If I look at myself, my situation changed for the better when I was prescribed lithium, which is used for treating bipolar disorder II too. I'm still not doing well, but the situation has gone from Hellraiser Hell to Dante's Inferno at least.

 

[WinterFaust]

Well, you certainly haven't wallowed in self-pity and been bitter in your posts so far. There are so many people here who are so utterly defeatist and resentful that their belief that their situation is completely hopeless becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. You don't give the impression of being such a person at all.

As for something to be proud of, you are statistically more likely to be open-minded, creative, and capable of cognitive disinhibition than the general population, and that's an asset that can be utilised. I became an author several years after I developed bipolar disorder, so I know for certain it's possible to accomplish something even when suffering from this devilish illness. I'm sure you have some talent you can utilise in some way.

Someone to care for... That's the tricky part, isn't it? Many, if not most, of us suffer from social disability. We're impulsive, moody, irritable, and unstable, which doesn't exactly help in friendship and love. I've actually made a few friends and found a couple of lovers since I fell ill, but I've blown it almost every single time. I think the trick is to become aware of how our illness affects our social behaviour, but it's not easy.

I don't know your situation, but I get the impression that you haven't explored all options yet. With options I mean medicines. I've met so many bipolar people who have tried different medicines and finally found the right one and become able to live something very close to a normal life. If I look at myself, my situation changed for the better when I was prescribed lithium, which is used for treating bipolar disorder II too. I'm still not doing well, but the situation has gone from Hellraiser Hell to Dante's Inferno at least.

Thank you for being so thoughtful and kind in your responses, I truly appreciate it. I have needed some outside perspective, especially from those who have dealt with being near complete dysfunction and the comments provided in this thread have been so helpful.

It's really wonderful to hear that you've been able to make connections despite everything you've been dealing with. I'm glad the lithium has helped to ease of the effects of the illness for you even though you are still struggling. And that you're an author as well! Writing was the only gift I've had but unfortunately I've never been able to write much through depressive episodes and much less in this particular one with all my self-neglect.

The creativity and open-minded aspect is certainly a positive. I think that's one of the reasons people tend to be drawn towards us. The intellect and the charm tends to make the moodiness and instability mysterious and intriguing to some as opposed to a red flag lol. But, in my case, it all blew up with a well-intended prescription of Lexapro.

I do believe that most people can lead normal or near normal lives with treatment and I think that's wonderful. Unfortunately I was so mired in my shame and self-loathing that I missed my window of opportunity. I never blamed anyone for my situation, I never felt bitter towards others. But 7 months ago when this depressive episode started as a result of grieving my losses and shame from the mania, I could not see a better life for myself. I was completely alone for the first time in a decade and it was my fault. I hurt the people I swore to protect and keep safe. I ruined what remained of my finances. I was the one who stopped working. In hindsight, finances were repairable. My health was still intact. I could still rebuild but i couldn't see that.

Am I making the same mistake again? I don't know. My finances are even worse now because I haven't been able to pay for anything in months without work. I'm still completely alone because I isolated and shut down in my depression. And the lack of sleep, food, and company for the past several months has taken such a toll on my health, I'm certain that I won't recover and it's all my fault. I'm only 26 but it's likely that I've developed osteoporosis. I've suffered hearing some hearing loss and I have vision issues that may also be neurological, who knows? I'm very thin and nearly unrecognizable to myself and I have so much hair loss. If the muscle loss I've had on the rest of my body is any indication of how my heart is doing (or the rest of my organs for that matter) I'm in serious trouble. I don't even understand how I managed to do this to myself but it's shameful. And yet I continue to struggle to eat well or go to grocery store. It really seems hopeless. I lost hope and the will to live months ago and this became the worst self fulfilling prophecy ever.

 

[sala-samobójców.3]

I'm not bipolar, but I'm borderline.
I thought hanging was my way, too. I did it with full suspension. Let me tell you what happened. In short, choose a different way.
There was no pain. If you do it, you want to make sure the rope will cut off your blood flow and not your airway, that produces no pain, vs you not being able to breathe. One moment I was conscious, the next moment I was not.
Here's what you don't know.
You thrash. From the lack of oxygen. You start seizing. Because of this, I fell out. The momentum was so intense I woke up facing a different direction than I was when I was hanging. You are left with a big conspicuous bruise on your neck, and the pain in your head when you wake up is unbearable.
That's just my experience. Just be aware that it may not work.
But I'm not one to talk. My method is absolutely absurd.

It works, but you need to know how to do it properly

 

[Sensei]

Thank you for being so thoughtful and kind in your responses, I truly appreciate it. I have needed some outside perspective, especially from those who have dealt with being near complete dysfunction and the comments provided in this thread have been so helpful.

It's really wonderful to hear that you've been able to make connections despite everything you've been dealing with. I'm glad the lithium has helped to ease of the effects of the illness for you even though you are still struggling. And that you're an author as well! Writing was the only gift I've had but unfortunately I've never been able to write much through depressive episodes and much less in this particular one with all my self-neglect.

The creativity and open-minded aspect is certainly a positive. I think that's one of the reasons people tend to be drawn towards us. The intellect and the charm tends to make the moodiness and instability mysterious and intriguing to some as opposed to a red flag lol. But, in my case, it all blew up with a well-intended prescription of Lexapro.

I do believe that most people can lead normal or near normal lives with treatment and I think that's wonderful. Unfortunately I was so mired in my shame and self-loathing that I missed my window of opportunity. I never blamed anyone for my situation, I never felt bitter towards others. But 7 months ago when this depressive episode started as a result of grieving my losses and shame from the mania, I could not see a better life for myself. I was completely alone for the first time in a decade and it was my fault. I hurt the people I swore to protect and keep safe. I ruined what remained of my finances. I was the one who stopped working. In hindsight, finances were repairable. My health was still intact. I could still rebuild but i couldn't see that.

Am I making the same mistake again? I don't know. My finances are even worse now because I haven't been able to pay for anything in months without work. I'm still completely alone because I isolated and shut down in my depression. And the lack of sleep, food, and company for the past several months has taken such a toll on my health, I'm certain that I won't recover and it's all my fault. I'm only 26 but it's likely that I've developed osteoporosis. I've suffered hearing some hearing loss and I have vision issues that may also be neurological, who knows? I'm very thin and nearly unrecognizable to myself and I have so much hair loss. If the muscle loss I've had on the rest of my body is any indication of how my heart is doing (or the rest of my organs for that matter) I'm in serious trouble. I don't even understand how I managed to do this to myself but it's shameful. And yet I continue to struggle to eat well or go to grocery store. It really seems hopeless. I lost hope and the will to live months ago and this became the worst self fulfilling prophecy ever.

It's interesting that you bring up that bipolar people tend to have magnetic personalities. The problem is that it's easier to attract someone than to make them stay. I've noticed that I do attract people, but I quickly scare them off without really understanding how. I don't think I ever will learn the code and it makes me feel like such a failure. It's like finding a bottle of water in the desert but being to stupid to figure out how to open it.

You're situation is very serious, there's no point denying that. I don't think it's impossible to fix it, though. First of all, I think you should stop thinking in terms of windows of opportunity. You're still young and it doesn't really matter if it takes one year or five years to get your life back on track, now does it? It takes time to recover from what you've gone through. I'm sure that if you would break your leg, you would simply give it time to heal and not think of windows of opportunity.

You need to get money, food, and healthcare first, though. I understand that you feel ashamed about your situation, but you mustn't be too proud to ask people for help. I'm sure there are people you could ask, be it family, relatives, friends, or former colleagues. Maybe you've damaged your relationships with them, but is really totally impossible to repair them? If nothing else, can't you explain to them that you suffer from bipolar disorder and that it was your illness which made you behave the way you did? It's a leap of faith, but you should trust that people around you possess basic empathy. If someone you knew found themselves in your situation, wouldn't you feel compelled to help them? Well, that's my two cents anyway.

 

[WinterFaust]

It's interesting that you bring up that bipolar people tend to have magnetic personalities. The problem is that it's easier to attract someone than to make them stay. I've noticed that I do attract people, but I quickly scare them off without really understanding how. I don't think I ever will learn the code and it makes me feel like such a failure. It's like finding a bottle of water in the desert but being to stupid to figure out how to open it.

You're situation is very serious, there's no point denying that. I don't think it's impossible to fix it, though. First of all, I think you should stop thinking in terms of windows of opportunity. You're still young and it doesn't really matter if it takes one year or five years to get your life back on track, now does it? It takes time to recover from what you've gone through. I'm sure that if you would break your leg, you would simply give it time to heal and not think of windows of opportunity.

You need to get money, food, and healthcare first, though. I understand that you feel ashamed about your situation, but you mustn't be too proud to ask people for help. I'm sure there are people you could ask, be it family, relatives, friends, or former colleagues. Maybe you've damaged your relationships with them, but is really totally impossible to repair them? If nothing else, can't you explain to them that you suffer from bipolar disorder and that it was your illness which made you behave the way you did? It's a leap of faith, but you should trust that people around you possess basic empathy. If someone you knew found themselves in your situation, wouldn't you feel compelled to help them? Well, that's my two cents anyway.

Thank you so much for this. I apologized to my former friends and family. My family came around but the friends, the ones who responded said they needed time but that they bore me no ill will. The shame and guilt pretty much eat me alive so I never reached out to anyone again. Besides, I was too much of a burden before while manic, now I'm a complete wreck, I couldn't bother anyone with that. Besides, it's been months, they have their own lives now. And it's just too late for me. I've ruined everything... I just wanted someone to care and be there. It's been so hard being alone and now I have nothing. I don't know. I'm sad and feel lonely about ctb but at least when I'm gone, I won't be around to know that anyone who really knew me won't even care. Sorry, I'm wallowing. I got a brief moment of hope a couple days ago but I realized it was impossible... I'm sorry, you've been so attentive and helpful.

 

[Sensei]

Thank you so much for this. I apologized to my former friends and family. My family came around but the friends, the ones who responded said they needed time but that they bore me no ill will. The shame and guilt pretty much eat me alive so I never reached out to anyone again. Besides, I was too much of a burden before while manic, now I'm a complete wreck, I couldn't bother anyone with that. Besides, it's been months, they have their own lives now. And it's just too late for me. I've ruined everything... I just wanted someone to care and be there. It's been so hard being alone and now I have nothing. I don't know. I'm sad and feel lonely about ctb but at least when I'm gone, I won't be around to know that anyone who really knew me won't even care. Sorry, I'm wallowing. I got a brief moment of hope a couple days ago but I realized it was impossible... I'm sorry, you've been so attentive and helpful.

I understand. I won't try to sugarcoat anything, because I'm obviously also here due to my bipolar disorder and its ramifications. This illness can really break you and in many different ways. It's a pain resembling no other, really. Still, I believe that if we've managed to live with the pain this far, maybe we can manage a little bit longer just to see if things might get a little bit better. Maybe they won't, but they might.

I don't know your whole situation and I don't know what's best for you, but I'm not sure this is the right time for you to make the arguably most important decision in your life, i.e. whether to die by your own hand. To be blunt and probably outright rude, you're sleep-deprived and malnutritioned and probably have a depressive episode or at least a post-manic depression, or what to call it. Let's say that you knew I was sleep-deprived, malnutritioned, and depressed and suddenly told you, "I'm going to kill my boss!" I'm sure you'd say something along the lines, "Hold your horses, buddy! You need to get something to eat and a good night's sleep." It wouldn't really matter if I had thought about it for a long time and had good reasons to do it. It would still not be the right time to do it. I don't know if this rambling makes sense, but in short, I think you should wait so that you know that you're in your right mind before you decide to kill yourself.

It sounds like your family has forgiven you and probably would agree to help you, but that you feel too ashamed and guilty to ask. Unless you come from a very dysfunctional family they will want to help you and will not see you merely as a burden. If a family member of yours suffered, wouldn't you want to help them and would you really only see them as a burden? You could write a contract with them to ease your guilt, stating that you will return all favours and pay back all money they give you when you're back on track again.

You haven't ruined everything. You're still young and it's still possible for you to rebuild and reshape your life. Trust me on this, because I'm your senior and then some. You can find new friends and someone who loves you once you're back on track. However, it will of course take time and you need to start with the basics first. Make sure to get help so you can get up on your feet again. Is your pride really worth suffering and dying for?

You said that you felt some hope a couple of days ago. Is it something you want to share or is it private?

 

[WinterFaust]

I understand. I won't try to sugarcoat anything, because I'm obviously also here due to my bipolar disorder and its ramifications. This illness can really break you and in many different ways. It's a pain resembling no other, really. Still, I believe that if we've managed to live with the pain this far, maybe we can manage a little bit longer just to see if things might get a little bit better. Maybe they won't, but they might.

I don't know your whole situation and I don't know what's best for you, but I'm not sure this is the right time for you to make the arguably most important decision in your life, i.e. whether to die by your own hand. To be blunt and probably outright rude, you're sleep-deprived and malnutritioned and probably have a depressive episode or at least a post-manic depression, or what to call it. Let's say that you knew I was sleep-deprived, malnutritioned, and depressed and suddenly told you, "I'm going to kill my boss!" I'm sure you'd say something along the lines, "Hold your horses, buddy! You need to get something to eat and a good night's sleep." It wouldn't really matter if I had thought about it for a long time and had good reasons to do it. It would still not be the right time to do it. I don't know if this rambling makes sense, but in short, I think you should wait so that you know that you're in your right mind before you decide to kill yourself.

It sounds like your family has forgiven you and probably would agree to help you, but that you feel too ashamed and guilty to ask. Unless you come from a very dysfunctional family they will want to help you and will not see you merely as a burden. If a family member of yours suffered, wouldn't you want to help them and would you really only see them as a burden? You could write a contract with them to ease your guilt, stating that you will return all favours and pay back all money they give you when you're back on track again.

You haven't ruined everything. You're still young and it's still possible for you to rebuild and reshape your life. Trust me on this, because I'm your senior and then some. You can find new friends and someone who loves you once you're back on track. However, it will of course take time and you need to start with the basics first. Make sure to get help so you can get up on your feet again. Is your pride really worth suffering and dying for?

You said that you felt some hope a couple of days ago. Is it something you want to share or is it private?

Blunt is fine and you're not being rude at all. In fact, you're being incredibly understanding and patient.

Logically, I know you're right. I understand to some degree that neglecting to eat until I have become physically ill, completely neglecting hygiene and my financial responsibilities are not the actions of a sound mind. And as you've said, if nothing else I have been sleep-deprived and malnourished for the better part of a year so this is not the right time to make such a weighty decision.

But, I feel capable and logical. "It's not being bipolar, it's me." It's an incessant thought, one that has arguably contributed to the depth of my rock bottom now. It feels as though it doesn't matter if I eat well now or exercise or get hospitalized because the problem is me. I am fundamentally broken. I can't help but make comparisons to everyone else. And I am devastated by my hearing loss (that is not severe or profound, mind you) because it is yet another way I am broken in a way that others aren't. I can't escape that my hearing has been altered. This along with my vision issues are sensory reminders that I've wallowed too long, that I am simply a failure.
Truthfully, I don't even know if the insomnia, stress, and malnutrition caused it. It could have been a coincidence, it could have been the seroquel which caused other physical symptoms until I stopped. But it's simpler and easier to blame myself because it coincided with my other shortcomings. I don't feel or remember much these days but it feels like it's all my fault so it must be true right?

You're right about it being shame and pride. I thought I'd be either dead or better by now but I'm alive and in a place so much worse than i was in October. I turned 26 at the end of last month and tried partial hanging because I couldn't take being a failure anymore. Yet here I am, alive, still somehow messed up over my ex, and just a mess. What do I even ask them? What do I even say? I don't want them to invest time in me if I'm just going to die from organ failure or something because of my physical state.

The replies here in addition to a PM from another member gave me a bit of hope but then I woke up the next day and remembered the mountains I would have to climb to get to recovery. I remembered looking up things with about hearing loss and seeing people say they would kill themselves if they ever had to live like that. Or the people who say, wow, I've never been that bad. I remembered how the things I used to watch and listen to without any issue with my eyes or hearing. I don't enjoy anything now. How can I go on like this? I don't want to be crushed again if I try. I won't be able to take it.

 

[DJ2000]

After lurking on this site for a couple months, I've recently joined. I cannot begin to tell you how comforting it is to connect with likeminded people. I'm working up the courage to commit suicide by hanging, full suspension. My life fell a part fall of 2018, after a manic episode, that is where I learned I was bipolar 1. Since then I've been depressed and ready to go, I mourn what could've been on a regular basis. Life is something that I just can't be a part of anymore. Who else is Bipolar on here and how do you deal with life until you CTB?

Aside from the obvious prevalence of Major Deppessive Disorder diagnoses, I've noticed a lot of bipolar and borderline personality people here, as well as a greater than usual amount of autists like myself. In fact about a good third of the people here are bipolar from what I've seen.

We autists are still not common here, but far more common than almost anywhere else.

 

[Sensei]

Logically, I know you're right. I understand to some degree that neglecting to eat until I have become physically ill, completely neglecting hygiene and my financial responsibilities are not the actions of a sound mind. And as you've said, if nothing else I have been sleep-deprived and malnourished for the better part of a year so this is not the right time to make such a weighty decision.

But, I feel capable and logical. "It's not being bipolar, it's me." It's an incessant thought, one that has arguably contributed to the depth of my rock bottom now. It feels as though it doesn't matter if I eat well now or exercise or get hospitalized because the problem is me. I am fundamentally broken.

@WinterFaust To be facetious, does an insane person know that they're insane? I can use myself as an example. A few weeks ago, I suddenly felt well. I realized that I've had a depressive episode and that it had come to an end. The problem is that I didn't understand that I had one, something which has never happened before. I thought I saw reality in a balanced and rational way, when it in fact was the very opposite. We do after all suffer from the, at least in some respects, worst mental health condition in existence, and it's bound to affect our thinking. Maybe you really are capable and logical right now, but I wouldn't take it for granted.

You say that it's not your illness which is the problem, but you, and that you're broken. I'd claim that's a contradiction. What broke you? Did your bipolar disorder break you or did you somehow break yourself? This is an illness, just like cancer, and it breaks us down. In order to recover, we must understand that we are victims of an illness and not blame ourselves. I'm not saying it's easy, because I struggle with this myself, but I think it's the only way to get out alive on the other side.

I can't help but make comparisons to everyone else.

Unfortunately, I struggle with that too, possibly even more than you. I simply to try to avoid people who are potential depression triggers. It's not really a solution at all, but that's how I deal with this problem for the time being.

And I am devastated by my hearing loss (that is not severe or profound, mind you) because it is yet another way I am broken in a way that others aren't. I can't escape that my hearing has been altered. This along with my vision issues are sensory reminders that I've wallowed too long, that I am simply a failure.
Truthfully, I don't even know if the insomnia, stress, and malnutrition caused it. It could have been a coincidence, it could have been the seroquel which caused other physical symptoms until I stopped. But it's simpler and easier to blame myself because it coincided with my other shortcomings. I don't feel or remember much these days but it feels like it's all my fault so it must be true right?

Hearing loss must be a pain. There can be many different explanations, but I doubt that you have yourself to blame for that. Coincidently, I read up on starvation for one of my books, and as far as I can remember hearing loss is not a symptom even when it becomes fatal. Have you had a doctor look at it? Who knows, maybe it's something that can be easily fixed, e.g. earwax?

You're right about it being shame and pride. I thought I'd be either dead or better by now but I'm alive and in a place so much worse than i was in October. I turned 26 at the end of last month and tried partial hanging because I couldn't take being a failure anymore. Yet here I am, alive, still somehow messed up over my ex, and just a mess. What do I even ask them? What do I even say?

Well, what do you need help with? What's most urgent? Maybe you should consider moving in with your parents? I had to do that when I was about your age and it was not fun, but it helped me to get back on track with my life. Maybe you could live with them for a year until you have recovered? It would make it easier and more natural for them to help you.

I don't want them to invest time in me if I'm just going to die from organ failure or something because of my physical state.

I used to reason like that, but I stopped when I realized that it makes it impossible to live. Why invest in anyone? They can very well die in a car accident tomorrow.

The replies here in addition to a PM from another member gave me a biyhope but then I woke up the next day and remembered the mountains I would have to climb to get to recovery. I remembered looking up things with about earing loss and seeing people say they would kill themselves if they ever had to live like that. Or the people who say, wow, I've never been that bad. I remembered how the things I used to watch and listen to without any issue with my eyes or hearing. I don't enjoy anything now. How can I go on like this? I don't want to be crushed again if I try. I won't be able to take it.

I think that to get through this alive, you have to start with small goals. Your first goals should simply be to eat and sleep properly. Then you can go on to bigger goals, and ever bigger goals after that. Step by step. That's the trick according to everyone I've talked to who has managed to recover.

Aside from the obvious prevalence of Major Deppessive Disorder diagnoses, I've noticed a lot of bipolar and borderline personality people here, as well as a greater than usual amount of autists like myself. In fact about a good third of the people here are bipolar from what I've seen.

@DJ2000 A good third? Well, there are many for sure. Sadly, it's not surprising. At 20 %, the suicide rate for bipolar disorder is the highest in society. At 10 %, the suicide rates for borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, and (I think) schizoaffective disorder are the next highest in society. It would have been very strange indeed if these groups weren't overrepresented here.

We autists are still not common here, but far more common than almost anywhere else.

I've actually met quite a few autists here and seen some autism threads. I also know of a couple of autists who have managed to recover. Maybe you should make a roll call?

 

[DJ2000]

@WinterFaust To be facetious, does an insane person know that they're insane? I can use myself as an example. A few weeks ago, I suddenly felt well. I realized that I've had a depressive episode and that it had come to an end. The problem is that I didn't understand that I had one, something which has never happened before. I thought I saw reality in a balanced and rational way, when it in fact was the very opposite. We do after all suffer from the, at least in some respects, worst mental health condition in existence, and it's bound to affect our thinking. Maybe you really are capable and logical right now, but I wouldn't take it for granted.

You say that it's not your illness which is the problem, but you, and that you're broken. I'd claim that's a contradiction. What broke you? Did your bipolar disorder break you or did you somehow break yourself? This is an illness, just like cancer, and it breaks us down. In order to recover, we must understand that we are victims of an illness and not blame ourselves. I'm not saying it's easy, because I struggle with this myself, but I think it's the only way to get out alive on the other side.



Unfortunately, I struggle with that too, possibly even more than you. I simply to try to avoid people who are potential depression triggers. It's not really a solution at all, but that's how I deal with this problem for the time being.



Hearing loss must be a pain. There can be many different explanations, but I doubt that you have yourself to blame for that. Coincidently, I read up on starvation for one of my books, and as far as I can remember hearing loss is not a symptom even when it becomes fatal. Have you had a doctor look at it? Who knows, maybe it's something that can be easily fixed, e.g. earwax?



Well, what do you need help with? What's most urgent? Maybe you should consider moving in with your parents? I had to do that when I was about your age and it was not fun, but it helped me to get back on track with my life. Maybe you could live with them for a year until you have recovered? It would make it easier and more natural for them to help you.



I used to reason like that, but I stopped when I realized that it makes it impossible to live. Why invest in anyone? They can very well die in a car accident tomorrow.



I think that to get through this alive, you have to start with small goals. Your first goals should simply be to eat and sleep properly. Then you can go on to bigger goals, and ever bigger goals after that. Step by step. That's the trick according to everyone I've talked to who has managed to recover.


@DJ2000 A good third? Well, there are many for sure. Sadly, it's not surprising. At 20 %, the suicide rate for bipolar disorder is the highest in society. At 10 %, the suicide rates for borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, and (I think) schizoaffective disorder are the next highest in society. It would have been very strange indeed if these groups weren't overrepresented here.

The fact that it works in radical swings rather than in a consistent way makes that more possible.

I've actually met quite a few autists here and seen some autism threads. I also know of a couple of autists who have managed to recover. Maybe you should make a roll call?

Think the number is 35% attempt or succeed it, don't know how many "tecover."

if You believe in "mental illness," then it can't be cured but only put into remission. (See "Madness and Civilization" by Michel Foucault)
I don't believe in it, so it's always an option.

 

[Sensei]

Think the number is 35% attempt or succeed it, don't know how many "tecover."

Well, it can't be successful suicides, but possibly suicide attempts. It sounds like a high figure, but I'm not well read up on autism. "Recover" is perhaps an unfortunate choice of word. Neither you nor I will ever be able to recover, but we could perhaps learn to cope.

if You believe in "mental illness," then it can't be cured but only put into remission. (See "Madness and Civilization" by Michel Foucault)

Mine can't be cured. Maybe there will be a breakthrough in neurobiology one day, but I suspect it won't be within my lifetime, even if I would decide not to shorten it.

I don't believe in it, so it's always an option.

The symptoms of mental health conditions have been documented for two thousand years. Research on mental health conditions is being carried out by thousands of people in different countries around the world. There are measurable physical changes in the brain on people who have serious mental health conditions. I could go on. But you know better? You're a genius? I shall nominate you for the Nobel prize in medicine. Good job.

By the way, I don't believe in autism. You are imagining it. You're just shy and a little bit introvereted. Think positive thougths and it will go away.

 

[WinterFaust]

Maybe you should consider moving in with your parents? I had to do that when I was about your age and it was not fun, but it helped me to get back on track with my life. Maybe you could live with them for a year until you have recovered? It would make it easier and more natural for them to help you.

That's thing... I have been living with my mom since August when my lease was up. I was still sort of rapid cycling for a bit because I was still on the anti-depressants that triggered the mania in the first place. Long story about that. But, in Oct, I more or less entered a depressive episode that I haven't been able to get out of, save a day or two here and there. I've been useless, unemployed and slowly becoming physically ill since then. My family tried to help at first but they got tired of my nonsense and wanted me to pull myself together. And also I started withdrawing from them and online friends in shame.

One day I was sobbing on a hotline about how I ruined myself when my hearing and vision issues first became apparent and my brother heard me. He was pretty upset and started saying he should have checked on me more and helped. But the reality is, even when offered, I refused most help and rarely asked for any. I just don't want to bother them. So this time should have helped me financially at least but I just kept withdrawing. I've made no improvements and have only gotten worse. Everything I've done has been the wrong choice. Besides my mom wants me to get back to living like a normal adult and move out soon.

We do after all suffer from the, at least in some respects, worst mental health condition in existence, and it's bound to affect our thinking. Maybe you really are capable and logical right now, but I wouldn't take it for granted.

I'm not. I'm know I'm not capable or logical right now. I get overwhelmed just by being in the kitchen and I seldom attend to any of my other basic human needs. I didn't know the suicide rate got bipolar folks was so high but if this level of depression and/or dysfunction affects others like this, I'm not surprised. This is fucking hell. I get a few moments of clarity once in a blue where I realize that I am suffering from a mental illness because it is not normal to neglect basic human needs or feel driven to suicide at the drop of a hat. But 98% of the time it feels like it's all me. I hate this.

Hearing loss must be a pain. There can be many different explanations, but I doubt that you have yourself to blame for that. Coincidently, I read up on starvation for one of my books, and as far as I can remember hearing loss is not a symptom even when it becomes fatal. Have you had a doctor look at it? Who knows, maybe it's something that can be easily fixed, e.g. earwax?

It is quite the pain. It's bilateral as well, with the right ear being worse than the other. Generally, I hear speaking voices okay but I'm especially affected in the high frequencies but there's general loss across all of them. Music is not the same and people are always talking that or soundtracks from shows which I used to love. It's isolating as hell and has been really getting to me today. It wasn't earwax when the ENT checked. I was given a round of steroids and told it would probably be fine because I was young and healthy but it didn't help. I just want to be a part of society like everyone else. It's so lonely being me. I just want to be normal-ish.

I think that to get through this alive, you have to start with small goals. Your first goals should simply be to eat and sleep properly.

But what do I fill my time with beyond that? I feel like I'm going crazy.

 

[DJ2000]

Well, it can't be successful suicides, but possibly suicide attempts. It sounds like a high figure, but I'm not well read up on autism. "Recover" is perhaps an unfortunate choice of word. Neither you nor I will ever be able to recover, but we could perhaps learn to cope.



Mine can't be cured. Maybe there will be a breakthrough in neurobiology one day, but I suspect it won't be within my lifetime, even if I would decide not to shorten it.



The symptoms of mental health conditions have been documented for two thousand years. Research on mental health conditions is being carried out by thousands of people in different countries around the world. There are measurable physical changes in the brain on people who have serious mental health conditions. I could go on. But you know better? You're a genius? I shall nominate you for the Nobel prize in medicine. Good job.

By the way, I don't believe in autism. You are imagining it. You're just shy and a little bit introvereted. Think positive thougths and it will go away.

Metaphysical speaking autism is a social construct as well. I am not an autistic male but a conscious nothing floating around in a um

Well, it can't be successful suicides, but possibly suicide attempts. It sounds like a high figure, but I'm not well read up on autism. "Recover" is perhaps an unfortunate choice of word. Neither you nor I will ever be able to recover, but we could perhaps learn to cope.



Mine can't be cured. Maybe there will be a breakthrough in neurobiology one day, but I suspect it won't be within my lifetime, even if I would decide not to shorten it.



The symptoms of mental health conditions have been documented for two thousand years. Research on mental health conditions is being carried out by thousands of people in different countries around the world. There are measurable physical changes in the brain on people who have serious mental health conditions. I could go on. But you know better? You're a genius? I shall nominate you for the Nobel prize in medicine. Good job.

By the way, I don't believe in autism. You are imagining it. You're just shy and a little bit introvereted. Think positive thougths and it will go away.

Metaphysically autism is a social construct too. Of course the symptoms being categorized as mental illness exist, but the category doesn't.

 

[Sensei]

That's thing... I have been living with my mom since August when my lease was up. I was still sort of rapid cycling for a bit because I was still on the anti-depressants that triggered the mania in the first place. Long story about that. But, in Oct, I more or less entered a depressive episode that I haven't been able to get out of, save a day or two here and there. I've been useless, unemployed and slowly becoming physically ill since then. My family tried to help at first but they got tired of my nonsense and wanted me to pull myself together. And also I started withdrawing from them and online friends in shame.

One day I was sobbing on a hotline about how I ruined myself when my hearing and vision issues first became apparent and my brother heard me. He was pretty upset and started saying he should have checked on me more and helped. But the reality is, even when offered, I refused most help and rarely asked for any. I just don't want to bother them. So this time should have helped me financially at least but I just kept withdrawing. I've made no improvements and have only gotten worse. Everything I've done has been the wrong choice. Besides my mom wants me to get back to living like a normal adult and move out soon.

Oh, you gave the impression that you live in isolation. But then again, you can live in isolation even if you're surrounded by people. I understand that you feel a strong pressure to get better, especially from your mother. On the positive side, there are people close to you who can help you. To me, it's obvious that your brother really wants to help you and I think you should let him. I think you should think through how they can help you and not hesitate to ask them when you know.

By the way, I was also prescribed antidepressants at first and it triggered a manic episode or at least something resembling one. I may in fact have bipolar disorder I, although it's not very likely.

I'm not. I'm know I'm not capable or logical right now. I get overwhelmed just by being in the kitchen and I seldom attend to any of my other basic human needs. I didn't know the suicide rate got bipolar folks was so high but if this level of depression and/or dysfunction affects others like this, I'm not surprised. This is fucking hell. I get a few moments of clarity once in a blue where I realize that I am suffering from a mental illness because it is not normal to neglect basic human needs or feel driven to suicide at the drop of a hat. But 98% of the time it feels like it's all me. I hate this.

I don't know if you have a bipolar depressive episode or a normal depression; it's difficult to tell with this whimsical illness. If it's a bipolar depressive episode, there's obviously no other option than to seek help and try to find effective medication, but if it's a normal depression, maybe it can broken in other ways. If you could start eating and sleeping properly, you could then go on to long walks, exercise, meditation, and so on. I know it can be difficult to answer this question, but can you tell why it's difficult for you to eat and sleep?

When you say that you feel driven to suicide at the drop of a hat, I understand exactly what you mean. I think this is quite typical for bipolar disorder. Both of my suicide attempts were completely spontaneous and I felt no fear whatsoever. However, I think I can control my suicidial impulses now, knock on wood. Do you know how to control yours? I think that if we are to die by our own hand, we shouldn't do it on a whim.

It is quite the pain. It's bilateral as well, with the right ear being worse than the other. Generally, I hear speaking voices okay but I'm especially affected in the high frequencies but there's general loss across all of them. Music is not the same and people are always talking that or soundtracks from shows which I used to love. It's isolating as hell and has been really getting to me today. It wasn't earwax when the ENT checked. I was given a round of steroids and told it would probably be fine because I was young and healthy but it didn't help. I just want to be a part of society like everyone else. It's so lonely being me. I just want to be normal-ish.

I dare not try to give any advice on this. I know there are other people here who suffer from hearing problems, so maybe you should start a thread and ask for advice on how to cope with it. It wouldn't hurt, now would it?

But what do I fill my time with beyond that? I feel like I'm going crazy.

I don't know exactly what you're life is like, but I reckon the logical next step would be to get a job. However, you must focus on the here and now, or you'll get nowhere. Again, you need to focus on eating and sleeping properly first, because then you will probably feel less depressed. I saw you're thread about suggestions for simple meals. Can't you start today with something very simple, something which just takes a couple of minutes to prepare?

 

[WinterFaust]

Oh, you gave the impression that you live in isolation. But then again, you can live in isolation even if you're surrounded by people. I understand that you feel a strong pressure to get better, especially from your mother. On the positive side, there are people close to you who can help you. To me, it's obvious that your brother really wants to help you and I think you should let him. I think you should think through how they can help you and not hesitate to ask them when you know.

By the way, I was also prescribed antidepressants at first and it triggered a manic episode or at least something resembling one. I may in fact have bipolar disorder I, although it's not very likely.



I don't know if you have a bipolar depressive episode or a normal depression; it's difficult to tell with this whimsical illness. If it's a bipolar depressive episode, there's obviously no other option than to seek help and try to find effective medication, but if it's a normal depression, maybe it can broken in other ways. If you could start eating and sleeping properly, you could then go on to long walks, exercise, meditation, and so on. I know it can be difficult to answer this question, but can you tell why it's difficult for you to eat and sleep?

When you say that you feel driven to suicide at the drop of a hat, I understand exactly what you mean. I think this is quite typical for bipolar disorder. Both of my suicide attempts were completely spontaneous and I felt no fear whatsoever. However, I think I can control my suicidial impulses now, knock on wood. Do you know how to control yours? I think that if we are to die by our own hand, we shouldn't do it on a whim.



I dare not try to give any advice on this. I know there are other people here who suffer from hearing problems, so maybe you should start a thread and ask for advice on how to cope with it. It wouldn't hurt, now would it?



I don't know exactly what you're life is like, but I reckon the logical next step would be to get a job. However, you must focus on the here and now, or you'll get nowhere. Again, you need to focus on eating and sleeping properly first, because then you will probably feel less depressed. I saw you're thread about suggestions for simple meals. Can't you start today with something very simple, something which just takes a couple of minutes to prepare?

I more or less actually live in isolation. I'm often alone is my room. I've gone days without seeing anyone or being checked on. My mom works long hours and nights so I only see her for a few hours here and there and my brother also works nights and sleeps during the day, when he's here. He's moving out soon as well. I don't see them very often or even talk to them. And since I've been planning on catching the bus, I have even less to say and don't want to bother anyone. I don't have friends and I don't have a job. I don't really go outside. I barely take care of myself. It's just me, this bed, and the hope that I'll be able to end things soon because I simply cannot handle this anymore.

I don't believe this is regular depression. I think my baseline tended to be some level of depression, punctuated by deep depressive episodes. This is of course the worse one. I spend most of my time in bed on my phone. Hygiene and food forgotten. Food is a tough one. In some ways I've gotten used to not eating. I rarely have the energy to prepare a meal so when I do venture out of my room if there's nothing already there to eat, I can't make something. There's also the issue of limited groceries. I haven't gone out to shop for food or anything in a while. My brother tends to grab something on his way home and my mom picks something up from a friend's house. She's been cooking a bit more with covid but, that's kind of how it's been. And even then I eat very little. My appetite is just nonexistent.
The insomnia? It's been like this since the manic episode and losing everyone. Being alone stresses me out, I sometimes take sleeping pills but i struggle with staying asleep, and of course my body is on it's last legs so there's likely some hormonal and other issues that contribute to that. My psych at the time told me to just use otc sleeping pills when I was taking Lamictal. I don't know.

I just feel broken. If it were just weight-loss or some other smaller issues, maybe I'd have a bit more hope. But I have to deal with hearing loss and weird vision issues. To think in just as recently as mid December, I wasn't worrying about that and jusf started to look for work again.

I can't help but feel like a failure. I can't help but feel like suicide is the best option for me because I'm obviously not equipped to deal with changes or stressful situations. It just feels like it would be better to die since no one would really notice. But I'm scared and angry with myself for even getting into this situation. I just want to go back to a year ago, hell even 6 months ago when I still had a chance. I just feel so cut off from the rest of the world and I miss my old life.

And so the wallowing continues. I'm not even making sense anymore. I'm sorry.

 

[Sensei]

I more or less actually live in isolation. I'm often alone is my room. I've gone days without seeing anyone or being checked on. My mom works long hours and nights so I only see her for a few hours here and there and my brother also works nights and sleeps during the day, when he's here. He's moving out soon as well. I don't see them very often or even talk to them. And since I've been planning on catching the bus, I have even less to say and don't want to bother anyone. I don't have friends and I don't have a job. I don't really go outside. I barely take care of myself. It's just me, this bed, and the hope that I'll be able to end things soon because I simply cannot handle this anymore.

I don't believe this is regular depression. I think my baseline tended to be some level of depression, punctuated by deep depressive episodes. This is of course the worse one. I spend most of my time in bed on my phone. Hygiene and food forgotten. Food is a tough one. In some ways I've gotten used to not eating. I rarely have the energy to prepare a meal so when I do venture out of my room if there's nothing already there to eat, I can't make something. There's also the issue of limited groceries. I haven't gone out to shop for food or anything in a while. My brother tends to grab something on his way home and my mom picks something up from a friend's house. She's been cooking a bit more with covid but, that's kind of how it's been. And even then I eat very little. My appetite is just nonexistent.
The insomnia? It's been like this since the manic episode and losing everyone. Being alone stresses me out, I sometimes take sleeping pills but i struggle with staying asleep, and of course my body is on it's last legs so there's likely some hormonal and other issues that contribute to that. My psych at the time told me to just use otc sleeping pills when I was taking Lamictal. I don't know.

I just feel broken. If it were just weight-loss or some other smaller issues, maybe I'd have a bit more hope. But I have to deal with hearing loss and weird vision issues. To think in just as recently as mid December, I wasn't worrying about that and jusf started to look for work again.

I can't help but feel like a failure. I can't help but feel like suicide is the best option for me because I'm obviously not equipped to deal with changes or stressful situations. It just feels like it would be better to die since no one would really notice. But I'm scared and angry with myself for even getting into this situation. I just want to go back to a year ago, hell even 6 months ago when I still had a chance. I just feel so cut off from the rest of the world and I miss my old life.

And so the wallowing continues. I'm not even making sense anymore. I'm sorry.

You make sense. You're rather describing your situation than wallowing in self-pity. I think that you know, at least subconsciously, that it's possible for you to change your life. Otherwise you wouldn't be here and we wouldn't be discussing your situatiion; you would have been dead already. I know there's hope for you. You must break the vicious cycle you're in. You've had friends before, so you'll make new ones and you've had a job before so you'll find a new one; this manic episode hasn't changed your entire personality. Now you must focus on taking small steps, step by step. Spend time with your mother and brother when you can; talk, play cards, I don't know. Go to the kitchen and make a sandwich or whatever you can find. Take a one-minute shower and brush your teeth. Small things.

 

[jaroz]

After lurking on this site for a couple months, I've recently joined. I cannot begin to tell you how comforting it is to connect with likeminded people. I'm working up the courage to commit suicide by hanging, full suspension. My life fell a part fall of 2018, after a manic episode, that is where I learned I was bipolar 1. Since then I've been depressed and ready to go, I mourn what could've been on a regular basis. Life is something that I just can't be a part of anymore. Who else is Bipolar on here and how do you deal with life until you CTB?

I know the feeling. My meds somewhat help me emotionally, but I'm so fucking tired of the same pattern, mixing and matching meds every time I go manic amd they stop working. I'm tired, like, to the core. I tried hanging, but being by yourself and facing it like that is tough

 

[disconnection]

Do the meds 'stop working' or is the medical model simply at fault? It's tough to say. Back when I 'only' had my bpd diagnosis I was far more in favour or social / psychological explanations for mental illness but then I went manic/psychotic for the first time and that's a whole new ball game. Retrospectively it seemed like I'd been led without my consent into a whole different world (why couldn't others see it too, damnit!) But I can see that a huge number of things in my life were building to that point too. Which leads me back to my usual stance - psych drugs are iffy at best, as is the medical model. A therapist of mine told me 'it's remarkable what the brain can do to protect itself' (talking about dissociation at the time) but really psychosis can be viewed in the same way. An escape from an otherwise unbearable reality. Not saying drugs don't do anything but rigidity one way or the other is rarely helpful.

I guess what I'm getting at is we probably all have more control than we like to think and seeing this as an 'illness like any other' can be really dangerous as it kinda 'let's you off the hook'. Trust me, I didn't know WHAT I was doing for several months last year but for some time leading up to the mania, and then afterwards in the despair, I did (though weirdly hazy in the run up!)

Do I know how to make my life better? Hell no. But I also don't believe that this is simply an illness which a pill can control. I just don't know what I want enough to keep me on an even keel. So when things are going well I can get carried away and go high, and when I clearly see the mess and emptiness around me it feels unbearable and I fall into depression. I've been asking myself 'what I actually want' recently and unfortunately I still can't find anything. But hopefully others can!