Venting Never been this bad before.

[Rachel74]

I've never had the depression as bad as I'm having it now. My desire to live is dwindling by the day. Each day I wake up wanting to feel better but nothing. I don't want to die, I seriously want to live but I can't find any escape at the moment.
I seriously need help or something to stop these suicidal feelings but I'm scared I'll end up in hospital if I tell my CPN.
I was doing ok too, I just can't seem to get back to feeling ok. Is this finally the end of me? I fear it is but if there is a possibility to overcome this I want to.
Lack of sleep, Tinnitus and bipolar rolled into a huge pile of me!

 

[morningdew]

I completely understand the lack of sleep. Even completely healthy people will go a little crazy after not sleeping for an extended period of time. My day actually revolves around being able to sleep. I try to do enough to keep me mobile but not too much to completely drain myself. There some things that help.
Melatonin can help for awhile. .5 Klonopin can also help take the edge off(it is addictive so may want to skip this one). Another thing I've found useful is a supplement called "emotional wellness" from pure encapsulations. I've also learned what I watch before going to bed make a difference. Playing a game on your iPad such as chess helps clear and clam the mind as well. It also helps take the focus away from tinnitus. From you previous post I understand you have to mix up your making sounds. I've found this to be true as well. Try the 4k white rain from my noise.net or at another frequency that helps mask. Crickets as I mentioned can be good in the mix as well. Here a big hug to get through today :)

 

[Nem]

Hugs Rachel, I'm in the same boat and it feels like it's the titanic. I wish none of us were suffering like we do
Peace/hugs

 

[Deleted member 1465]

@Rachel74 @Nem we really are on board the Titanic aren't we.

 

[WhiteDespair]

There were nights I'd fall asleep with only faith that the next day would be better. It usually wasn't. There were nights I'd wake up in the middle of the night and was disappointed that I wasn't dead, pounding my pillows lamenting that I don't have friends, etc., and/or shoving melatonin down my throat. I've been enraged that people didn't let my drunk ass freeze on the winter streets or that I was still alive in general. I've taken 45min car rides with the thought taht I could get up ro 100+mph, unclip my seatbelt and whip my car off the road as a constant background noise.

Eventually, though, things tended to ease up after 3 days. A week or 2 later and I'd be back to my regular depressed self instead of my psychotically depressed self.

See if you can get through 3 days. Pet your puppers. Drink protein shakes if you can't eat. Toss a mindless series on the television. Go to sleep early. See how it is in 3 days. It can be different enough.

Best of luck.

 

[k75]

I completely understand how you feel right now. I'm experiencing it too. I'm in the middle of the worst depressive episode of my life, with constant suicidal ideations.

In the past, lithium has helped tremendously. It doesn't do much for the depression, but it combats suicidal thoughts and urges. It worked so well for me until I became toxic and had to lower my dose, but I'm trying again as a last ditch effort.

As far as telling anyone... I've found it's safe to talk about my suicidal ideation, as long as I'm very clear with them that I have no plans or method in mind (lies, of course, but they don't need to know that). I think it's important to let them know so they can try to help. I've never been sectioned and always am up front about that.

 

[Rachel74]

My CPN is pretty ok actually, rather annoying laugh and made me have a flu jab the last time she saw me but it helps.
She's taking me for a cream tea tomorrow to get me out of the house.

We are all suffering so love to you all.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Is that with a scone? Yum. Jam or cream first?

 

[Jean Améry]

I'm sorry to hear life is so horrible for you.

I can't provide legal advice concerning UK mental health law but normally involuntary commitment is only initiated when it's clear there's a real danger of self-harm/suicide attempt. If you avoid revealing plans, do not/did not harm yourself and conduct yourself in a manner that would indicate you're not going to do something rash and you're not experiencing full blown psychosis or extreme mania you should be fine.

If you feel like you need medication for your problems ask for it. Just be careful about how you answer questions regarding suicidality as they'll use your response to gauge how great the risk of a suicide attempt would be. Once they decide the risk is unacceptably high (whatever that might mean: there's no scientific way of determining this so it comes down to the subjective appreciation of the people involved) you probably will be incarcerated and there won't be anything you can do about it. Hiring a lawyer would be an idea but imo legal safeguards regarding mental health proceedings are a joke.

If you still want to live obviously CTB is not the answer. In that case you owe it to yourself to try everything you can to make your life bearable.

Good luck. To me it would seem the first order of business is to get a good night sleep. Easier said than done I know.

 

[WhiteDespair]

My CPN is pretty ok actually, rather annoying laugh and made me have a flu jab the last time she saw me but it helps.
She's taking me for a cream tea tomorrow to get me out of the house.

We are all suffering so love to you all. ❤❤❤

Thank you for reminding me to try a cream tea. Found a couple of placed that do it over here acrosd the pond.

 

[Rachel74]

Is that with a scone? Yum. Jam or cream first?

Not sure if this is the Cornish way but cream first then Jam!

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Not sure if this is the Cornish way but cream first then Jam!

I think that's the Devon way. So wrong.

 

[Stan]

Hope you are in a better place today and I don't mean the tea room.

 

[Rachel74]

Not a bad day to be honest. Slept well after 1/2 a bottle of baileys. Didn't meet CPN as woofer Daisy had to go back to the vets as she's pulled her stitches so operation tomorrow.
No cream tea but we are doing spiced pumpkin scones at work and they were vile! I just don't like pumpkin.

 

[WhiteDespair]

Not a bad day to be honest. Slept well after 1/2 a bottle of baileys. Didn't meet CPN as woofer Daisy had to go back to the vets as she's pulled her stitches so operation tomorrow.
No cream tea but we are doing spiced pumpkin scones at work and they were vile! I just don't like pumpkin.

Not liking pumpkin spice flavor? Blasphemy!

I do not miss that part of dog ownership.

Also, what so you call a dog that is below another dog?

A sub-woofer!

 

[Rachel74]

Not liking pumpkin spice flavor? Blasphemy!

I do not miss that part of dog ownership.

Also, what so you call a dog that is below another dog?

A sub-woofer!

Love it
Can't do pumpkin but I like squash!

 

[Daniela]

I felt better this morning - I was rejected again - so I'm frantic again. My parents' decay is horrible (because of my circumstances). I can't CTB fast enough.