Nervous about SN

[heylightiforgot]

I know deep down that I'm trying to avoid CTB by deliberating over SN, but unfortunately everything is starting to fall apart at once. I am fucking terrified. At the same time, though, I am nervous about it for a few reasons.

1. Living with my family in a small house: Everyone goes out by about 8am and then I'm just home with my mom (she works from home); I typically play white noise in my room pretty loudly to help me sleep, so that could potentially mask the sound of any distress, vomiting etc.

2. Throwing it up: Having a severe chronic illness, I guess this could go two ways. Since my health is so bad, I expect it would reliably kill me. But I also have a very bad stomach/gut health and am concerned about keeping it down. Not sure if capsules would help? I do have meto.

3. Failure: I CANNOT afford to fail. Because of my health, I am lucky I survived the psych ward after my 'gesture' 2 weeks ago. It has been difficult to gain my parents trust and they're pushing me a lot, and it's like I'm almost bargaining for my life each day. So if it messes up somehow and I end up in hospital again, I'm fucked because I'd die in there in a manner that is likely not at all peaceful.

4. Peacefulness: I've kind of run out of sleeping meds and don't know how I can/will circumvent SI. I fantasize about dying peacefully in my bed, but I feel like if I did swallow the SN capsules, the time period waiting for it to 'kick in' would just be pure terror, especially with not knowing if I'm going to vomit etc.

5. Impulsivelness: since my situation is so precarious and I'm scraping by, barely able to function, sleep etc. I'm concerned it's a method that can't just be executed on a whim.

 

[heylightiforgot]

:(

 

[trynacbt]

I also want to try the SN method and live with my family in tight quarters. I don't really have any answers unfortunately, but what I can say is that I trust the meto to do its job (and doing the two-day regime will improve the chances of it working). It seems like it's some pretty serious/strong medication, at least as far as I've tried. I also know that a user on here went ahead and attempted without any antiemetics at all and managed to black out without vomiting. Every person is different, but that case gave me some hope. I'm sorry to hear about your chronic illness and I can't speak to how that might play a part.

I'm most worried about causing noise if I end up thrashing/convulsing once already out. I think it'd be really bad to be found that deep into it.

I hope you keep us updated. Good luck.

 

[Stan]

No evidence that you will do a full Olympic gymnastic routine during a seizure. Unless you vomit at the same decibel level as an opera singer, white noise will cover it. SN will make you drowsy in time and you will become unconscious.

 

[trynacbt]

No evidence that you will do a full Olympic gymnastic routine during a seizure. Unless you vomit at the same decibel level as an opera singer, white noise will cover it. SN will make you drowsy in time and you will become unconscious.

Somehow you've managed to make a potentially fatal concept hilarious. Thanks for that--and for the white noise tip!

 

[Stan]

Roosevelt once said "There is nothing to fear but fear itself". I've come to the point of my understanding of SN, what it does, how my body will react to be able to look at fear in the face at treat it as an equal. Will I be afraid, of course I will be. But using humour to belittle that fear helps me a lot. But the biggest enemy we face in this venture is basically ourselves. This is probably the only thing we will ever have total control over. I'm going to doubt the doubts and march forward with a singular determination - and a big belly laugh!

 

[heylightiforgot]

No evidence that you will do a full Olympic gymnastic routine during a seizure. Unless you vomit at the same decibel level as an opera singer, white noise will cover it. SN will make you drowsy in time and you will become unconscious.

I think I would only be able to do a stat dose of Meto (not the full regime), because it might have to be slightly impulsive (though I can fast hopefully). Do you think my concerns about it failing are somewhat unfounded? It's hard enough to get past the SI, but failure would be a nightmare.

Also, on that note, is there anyway I can pass off the ingestion as accidental, pending I don't leave a note, erase any traces of suicide research etc.? I do consume a basically all-meat diet due to my health issue, though no real reason I would be 'curing' meat or have SN.

 

[Stan]

I think I would only be able to do a stat dose of Meto (not the full regime), because it might have to be slightly impulsive (though I can fast hopefully). Do you think my concerns about it failing are somewhat unfounded? It's hard enough to get past the SI, but failure would be a nightmare.

Also, on that note, is there anyway I can pass off the ingestion as accidental, pending I don't leave a note, erase any traces of suicide research etc.? I do consume a basically all-meat diet due to my health issue, though no real reason I would be 'curing' meat or have SN.

Everyone is different regarding meto. It may or may not work for you so sorry that I can't advise on individuals. People have gone impulsively and has worked for them.

Nearly impossible to call it an accidental event. You would need to eat approx 30kg of bacon to achieve the result. I am wiping all my data and research, but that is more to protect this site than anything else.

 

[woxihuanni]

[

Roosevelt once said "There is nothing to fear but fear itself". I've come to the point of my understanding of SN, what it does, how my body will react to be able to look at fear in the face at treat it as an equal. Will I be afraid, of course I will be. But using humour to belittle that fear helps me a lot. But the biggest enemy we face in this venture is basically ourselves. This is probably the only thing we will ever have total control over. I'm going to doubt the doubts and march forward with a singular determination - and a big belly laugh!

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration."

 

[trynacbt]

[


"I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration."

Roosevelt was onto something. A big part of why I want to ctb is fear.

Also I just realized my username is cbt instead of ctb what a FAIL. "I want to catch bus the"

 

[woxihuanni]

Roosevelt was onto something. A big part of why I want to ctb is fear.

That's a quote from Frank Herbert, but yeah. Do you know what you are scared of?

 

[trynacbt]

That's a quote from Frank Herbert, but yeah. Do you know what you are scared of?

Woops. Yes, the future, because I'm at a point now where I should have made a life for myself but in the past months things have fallen apart and I've realized I can't trust myself. I'm unreliable to the point that I feel like I can't be independent. And because I don't believe I'm intelligent, either.

 

[woxihuanni]

Woops. Yes, the future, because I'm at a point now where I should have made a life for myself but in the past months things have fallen apart and I've realized I can't trust myself. I'm unreliable to the point that I feel like I can't be independent. And because I don't believe I'm intelligent, either.

It'd require a lot more knowledge about your situation than is fit for this thread to say anything more helpful, but I hope you find enough calm to clearly see your options. As for intelligence, I'm not going to go No YoU aRe so SmArt because I have no idea how smart you are, but most people get by without being particularly intelligent. It can mean taking a bit longer processing things and working harder (which probably sounds exhausting), but it's doable.

 

[trynacbt]

It'd require a lot more knowledge about your situation than is fit for this thread to say anything more helpful, but I hope you find enough calm to clearly see your options. As for intelligence, I'm not going to go No YoU aRe so SmArt because I have no idea how smart you are, but most people get by without being particularly intelligent. It can mean taking a bit longer processing things and working harder (which probably sounds exhausting), but it's doable.

Thank you, I appreciate that, especially from a stranger. As for options, I do have two I'm considering (N and SN), but who knows.