Need to get something off of my chest

[ProzacPrincess02]

when i was 16, i was part of this anonymous attack against 1/5th of the dark web's child porn sites/credit card fraud/ things like that.
i know i and other people helped kids but what i've seen still haunts me.
These feelings, nightmares, and the mere memory of what i've seen makes me want to CTB. anyone else been through something similar?

it's seeing kids being fucking raped that fucking kills me inside the most. sometimes i can't even live with myself even though i know i was helping someone else since governments care way more about staying in power than protecting the innocent.

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

you are very brave

 

[ecmnesia]

i am very sorry that you've been experiencing this despite your brave actions.

as a victim myself, I'd like to thank you, and even though they might not know about it, i am sure you played a huge part in those kids life's. i can't imagine how horrible it might be to be completely exposed after such a brutal experience.

your sacrifice sure did help and protected a lot of children. and it warms my heart to know that people like you are still around.

i am very very sorry for what it cost you tho and I hope you can find peace.

 

[sourpink]

... i know this will sound odd. but. thank you, from the bottom of my traumatized heart. you .. thank you.
your own trauma related to that is completely valid and makes absolute sense.
i was groomed around 11-12 (to my knowledge, i think i have earlier repressed traumas but idk) and idk if there still is but at one point, there was a fair bit of ... content including myself as a minor in scenarios like what you helped to take down. i don't want to go into detail for my own privacy (don't want to be revealed here yknow) and because that's a fair amount of my total sum of trauma.
thank you. i can honestly say i love you for having a part in that. idk you at all but i fucking love you for that. thank you. obviously there's no way to completely eradicate every instance of such things but you did so much good.

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

Wow. You put yourself through hell to help those children. Sending you a virtual hug.

 

[PointlessStruggle]

Even if they never learn who you are they're at least probably thankful that you intervened. Of all the ways to end up miserable this is a pretty noble one. At least you can know you made the world a better place, more than many can say

 

[Dizzy_Dreams]

when i was 16, i was part of this anonymous attack against 1/5th of the dark web's child porn sites/credit card fraud/ things like that.
i know i and other people helped kids but what i've seen still haunts me.
These feelings, nightmares, and the mere memory of what i've seen makes me want to CTB. anyone else been through something similar?

it's seeing kids being fucking raped that fucking kills me inside the most. sometimes i can't even live with myself even though i know i was helping someone else since governments care way more about staying in power than protecting the innocent.

You are really really brave... I can't imagine what you'd seen..

 

[Beaver]

when i was 16, i was part of this anonymous attack against 1/5th of the dark web's child porn sites/credit card fraud/ things like that.
i know i and other people helped kids but what i've seen still haunts me.
These feelings, nightmares, and the mere memory of what i've seen makes me want to CTB. anyone else been through something similar?

it's seeing kids being fucking raped that fucking kills me inside the most. sometimes i can't even live with myself even though i know i was helping someone else since governments care way more about staying in power than protecting the innocent.

Good on you for attacking their site, I hope some of them had their identities found by authorities. I never had many friends growing up so when I first got an ipod touch I would go on chatting apps to talk to people. The worst part about being groomed is realizing later on that person never cared about you and makes you believe that no one ever will. I honestly don't know how I fell for some of the stuff but I was definitely manipulated by a few people and didn't know how it really messed me up socially since I perceived that to be normal, later on I was pulled out of it by a very good friend I had on Xbox at the time after he noticed my strange behavior. These people are the worst of the worst and what you did was help stop some of it so I hope you can take some happiness in knowing you helped others.

 

[darkness falls]

Nothing sets me off like child or animal abuse. Nothing pisses me off more in this world. I'm so sorry you had to witness such evil and perverse shot. Those poor, poor kids. You did what you could to help and you should feel proud. You saved lives! Not many can say that.

I don't have much money but I give what I can to kid and animal rescues. That's as much as I can do. My little way to help others. Cuz there are people like you who exist and will actually do something to help. I'm so sorry for the shit you saw. But I'm happy you chose to do something about it.

 

[TheEndisNear121200]

You're very brave and I'm so happy that people like you exist. You gave those poor kids a chance at recovery by taking down that harmful content.
But it's so sad that you were only 16, a kid yourself too. The things you've seen are awful and they can be traumatizing for life, especially since you were so young. I really hope you try to get the help that you deserve.

 

[OminousVaL]

Your feelings are valid. I can not begin to imagine what you are going through but I hope you can recover and heal from it. Smooth travels.

 

[degeneratewaste]

fuck, it was incredibly brave of you to do this. I can only commend you.

I can't imagine some of the horrors that you've seen. but you are so brave. it shows that you're a good person at heart, to risk your mental health in order to do a little good in this fucked up world.

on behalf of the victims from that site; thank you so much.

 

[Weary Soul]

On behalf of every child out there who has ever experienced this type of abuse or any sort of abuse really...

Thank you.

Have you gotten therapy for what you witnessed?

I imagine this would easily cause PTSD in a seasoned veteran, let alone someone who is 16.

There are new treatments out there to help with nightmares. And other treatments may help to deal with the dark shadows left in your mind.

(hugs to you, you are an angel on earth)

 

[ProzacPrincess02]

Have you gotten therapy for what you witnessed?

I imagine this would easily cause PTSD in a seasoned veteran, let alone someone who is 16.

There are new treatments out there to help with nightmares. And other treatments may help to deal with the dark shadows left in your mind.

(hugs to you, you are an angel on earth)

Thank you so, so fucking much. I'm crying a little reading all of these comments, but I've never been able to tell it to someone's face what i've seen. even now, i try to disassociate myself from that memory. I still feel like I'm some sort of monster for seeing what I saw. I was in therapy for two years following my depression diagnosis at 16. I'm trying to do everything over the counter to stop these horrible unwanted thoughts and recurring memories.

You're very brave and I'm so happy that people like you exist. You gave those poor kids a chance at recovery by taking down that harmful content.
But it's so sad that you were only 16, a kid yourself too. The things you've seen are awful and they can be traumatizing for life, especially since you were so young. I really hope you try to get the help that you deserve.

I get flashbacks sometimes when I see something that slightly reminds me of what I've seen (like a small detail) and it throws off my emotions... it's horrible to explain. I still feel bad for it.

Nothing sets me off like child or animal abuse. Nothing pisses me off more in this world. I'm so sorry you had to witness such evil and perverse shot. Those poor, poor kids. You did what you could to help and you should feel proud. You saved lives! Not many can say that.

I don't have much money but I give what I can to kid and animal rescues. That's as much as I can do. My little way to help others. Cuz there are people like you who exist and will actually do something to help. I'm so sorry for the shit you saw. But I'm happy you chose to do something about it.

The fact that you have so little but still choose to help victims is really a sign of the goodness in your heart.

Good on you for attacking their site, I hope some of them had their identities found by authorities. I never had many friends growing up so when I first got an ipod touch I would go on chatting apps to talk to people. The worst part about being groomed is realizing later on that person never cared about you and makes you believe that no one ever will. I honestly don't know how I fell for some of the stuff but I was definitely manipulated by a few people and didn't know how it really messed me up socially since I perceived that to be normal, later on I was pulled out of it by a very good friend I had on Xbox at the time after he noticed my strange behavior. These people are the worst of the worst and what you did was help stop some of it so I hope you can take some happiness in knowing you helped others.

Grooming, taking advantage of one's inexperience are how chomos do their shit. I really hope nothing horrible came out of this. I too, was a friendless child in a similar situation, but all I really did was listen to music.

Wow. You put yourself through hell to help those children. Sending you a virtual hug.

I was (emotionally, not intellectually) in denial of such things existing before I took part in helping remove these sites (a lot of the time, there was no way of knowing unless you hit the link). Then I had to send the .onion addresses to the people I was working with and help with packet overflow stuff. I used LOIC on a Windows virtual machine while someone else did packet analysis with a Kali Linux one. Tipped the Feds off to "Welcome to Video" before they seized it.

... i know this will sound odd. but. thank you, from the bottom of my traumatized heart. you .. thank you.
your own trauma related to that is completely valid and makes absolute sense.
i was groomed around 11-12 (to my knowledge, i think i have earlier repressed traumas but idk) and idk if there still is but at one point, there was a fair bit of ... content including myself as a minor in scenarios like what you helped to take down. i don't want to go into detail for my own privacy (don't want to be revealed here yknow) and because that's a fair amount of my total sum of trauma.
thank you. i can honestly say i love you for having a part in that. idk you at all but i fucking love you for that. thank you. obviously there's no way to completely eradicate every instance of such things but you did so much good.

I was groomed around that age as well, I believe.

 

[Weary Soul]

i try to disassociate myself from that memory. I still feel like I'm some sort of monster for seeing what I saw. I was in therapy for two years following my depression diagnosis at 16. I'm trying to do everything over the counter to stop these horrible unwanted thoughts and recurring memories

Some ideas?

There are prescription medications (not over the counter) that can help with the nightmares caused by PTSD.

Your name includes "PROZAC" - so I am thinking you may be on an SSRI? SSRIs can actually make things worse for some people. There are other meds that are mood stabilizers that may help.

I would seek help from a trauma specialist if you can find one.

Cognitive behavioral therapy may help you to identify the negative thoughts and stop them before they grab hold of your mind and carry it away.

For my PTSD... I have learned to recognize when I am in the midst of it and put a hand on the wall/floor or whatever is close to me, to remind me that I am in the here and now and not in the then, and to go quiet and listen to the silence between each breath. Not saying it will help you, but these are ways I have learned to cope.

And time. Maybe instead of focusing on what you saw, it would be more helpful to focus on what you accomplished and how many you may have saved.

Some research may help as well - research how those who specialize in this kind of work cope.

And finally, you are not a monster for trying to stop the monsters.

I am so sorry you are going through this. <3

 

[ProzacPrincess02]

... i know this will sound odd. but. thank you, from the bottom of my traumatized heart. you .. thank you.
your own trauma related to that is completely valid and makes absolute sense.
i was groomed around 11-12 (to my knowledge, i think i have earlier repressed traumas but idk) and idk if there still is but at one point, there was a fair bit of ... content including myself as a minor in scenarios like what you helped to take down. i don't want to go into detail for my own privacy (don't want to be revealed here yknow) and because that's a fair amount of my total sum of trauma.
thank you. i can honestly say i love you for having a part in that. idk you at all but i fucking love you for that. thank you. obviously there's no way to completely eradicate every instance of such things but you did so much good.

Hon, never, ever feel like this was your fault. You were a youngin and someone took advantage of your naivety and innocence-both of which are completely sacred considering looking at human experience. That shit can only last so long. It's beyond precious. You don't have to live with this anymore. I love you.

 

[sarahR]

What a hero and brave soul you are.

 

[Symbiote]

"imma chargin' my lazer beam" As a CSA survivor, thanks for being part of the effort of shutting down those sites, and letting investigators within Anon identify those creeps. We are legion.

 

[bov]

I'm sorry the government allowed you to see what you saw. Thank you for your service. Someday I'd love to hear more about how that job came about and what it entailed, but only at your comfort level. I feel like there's hope for your wellbeing, at the risk of being presumptuous.

 

[Seiniar]

It happened to me once, while I was working in moderating allowed pictures on a website, to view soft porn pedo shots of a little girl. That was enough to traumatize me. I'll never forget that little girl face and phoses. I remember I tried to report but apparently If you want to do this kind of job you may encounter nasty pictures so they won't make it to the site. I quit immediately because I couldn't do it. So I can't imagine how courageous you have been to do something like this for such a huge cause. I don't want you to suffer because of that, you did such a great action, you don't deserve pain. I really think you need to seek for specific help, this is way too unfair. I wish with all my heart you will get better with the right help. Much love.

 

[sourpink]

Hon, never, ever feel like this was your fault. You were a youngin and someone took advantage of your naivety and innocence-both of which are completely sacred considering looking at human experience. That shit can only last so long. It's beyond precious. You don't have to live with this anymore. I love you.

so idfk if i quoted properly or if it'll work as quoted idk ive never done that before.
thank you. i still deal with my own symptoms of PTSD and i have several other dx's and dissociation is just the default way my brain/body copes. my trauma response is freeze, and that coupled with feelings of my being compliant and complicit in my grooming (i was at the time of the opinion that i was ok with it and exploring my sexuality and just experimenting) make feeling deserving or worthy of healing and treatment really difficult. i got out around 17, and i kicked my drug addiction at 16. and there is so much i have blocked out. i actually ended up crossing paths with and briefly befriendedsomeone who had met me over the years of my addiction and SW and earlier traumas and this person told me things that happened to me that i have zero recollection of. i know what they told me is true and did happen based on locations and some names and names i was associated with, this person im certain wasn't making shit up, every detail lined up. at this point im appreciative of my ability to dissociate. i know if i remember any more of any of it im just.. not going to come out of that catatonia. my situation was odd, i often felt i was consenting and still struggle with understanding i couldn't.
what you did was important work and especially to do so at 16, that's fucking hard. im so proud of you and i wish you didn't Know the feeling of trauma and flashbacks- idk if it would be of any help for you, but i have trauma nightmares every night (not just from that time period, there's more to it but whatever) and i take prazosin, it helps a bit sometimes. it might be worth looking into for yourself if you have coverage and access to psychiatry.
sending so much love and strength.
you're incredible, and i admit i cried the first time i read your post.
i wish there were more like you and less like the men and organizations in power who kept me dependent and profited off me - i didn't make a goddamn dime and if i did it just went to more drugs. no one cared that i was a minor, they actually did all they could to hide that while promoting that to profit more off my body.
i had to drag myself out of that hole alone, and while sometimes im grateful my story didn't make the news and im able to mostly go unrecognized there are times i wish id had help. my healing has been and is so.. rocky and unpredictable and non linear, and sometimes i question why i try. but please know you did more good than you can fucking imagine though that doesn't free you of your own resulting trauma and you deserve to grow from that. you're amazing and what you did is as well. please don't be hard on yourself - flashbacks and PTSD symptoms make sense here but you did such good. that doesn't make trauma any easier, but if possible just try to be gentle and remind yourself this (the trauma) isn't your fault and is completely valid. you are so loved and so appreciated.

 

[noaccount]

Thank you.

I've heard of Eye Motion Desensitization Reprocessing helping a lot of people move past ptsd symptoms from similar things. For myself though I've found my difficulties, to be closer to those of betrayal. Like why doesn't the law or the rest of civil society do something about this, why does it fall to these marginal groups of folks on the fringes, to do all the fighting...? The world become unintelligible because whatever norms or structures around human rights are preached so quickly fall away. I have tried to seek out the guidance of people who have an analysis of what's happening, to make things intelligible again. "To interpret the world and to change it."

Like... knowing that most child abuse happens within the household, expanding who can use domestic violence shelters. Giving women and children more ways to live outside the patriarchal nuclear family. Also understanding lots of people can't safely go to the police and creating community supports outside the state. The INCITE collective wrote a lot of case studies about that in "color of violence."
(The workers in DV services near me are going on strike now demanding some pretty great policy changes.)
Like steps towards youth liberation, helping runaways to live as they choose instead of pressuring them to "go back home." Letting minors into shelters by themselves, having shelters set up to accommodate that so people aren't getting exploited on the street. Letting kids access counselors and social workers without their parents' agreement or knowledge, so the therapist isn't someone serving the parents' agenda, and they can talk about abuse with real confidentiality.
Like people working on decriminalization of sex work so adults doing it can safely get help if they're being trafficked, and not get further abused by the police.

You are not alone.
Here is my favorite poem.

Letter From Kathmandu

Friends, let us wake with disbelief

poets.org

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

when i was 16, i was part of this anonymous attack against 1/5th of the dark web's child porn sites/credit card fraud/ things like that.
i know i and other people helped kids but what i've seen still haunts me.
These feelings, nightmares, and the mere memory of what i've seen makes me want to CTB. anyone else been through something similar?

it's seeing kids being fucking raped that fucking kills me inside the most. sometimes i can't even live with myself even though i know i was helping someone else since governments care way more about staying in power than protecting the innocent.

I was a social worker for 7 years before my mental breakdown. Those years, every day people thought I would kill myself. I saw fucked up things too. Abusing and raping children. I've never seen videos, but I had to work with the rapists. It's horrifying but you did something good to help so try and focus on that

 

[ProzacPrincess02]

"imma chargin' my lazer beam" As a CSA survivor, thanks for being part of the effort of shutting down those sites, and letting investigators within Anon identify those creeps. We are legion.

We are anonymous. We do not forgive. We do not forget.

I'm sorry the government allowed you to see what you saw. Thank you for your service. Someday I'd love to hear more about how that job came about and what it entailed, but only at your comfort level. I feel like there's hope for your wellbeing, at the risk of being presumptuous.

I did this with some other people on my own accord in a sense of volunteer work.

 

[summers]

1. Agent Smith was right. People are like a virus on this planet.
2. Fuck the judicial system that protects these sick fucks. I saw a "Faces of Death" video a long time ago. They burned a child molester at the stake. I saw the pieces of him falling off in the flames. I felt nothing but happiness at what I was seeing. I'm glad he suffered terribly, and I wish these fuckers would too.

I'm sorry you had to see what you saw. I force myself to watch some really fucked up shit to desensitize myself (I laugh at most videos on rotten.com). But i couldn't watch anything like child rape.

 

[ProzacPrincess02]

1. Agent Smith was right. People are like a virus on this planet.
2. Fuck the judicial system that protects these sick fucks. I saw a "Faces of Death" video a long time ago. They burned a child molester at the stake. I saw the pieces of him falling off in the flames. I felt nothing but happiness at what I was seeing. I'm glad he suffered terribly, and I wish these fuckers would too.

I'm sorry you had to see what you saw. I force myself to watch some really fucked up shit to desensitize myself (I laugh at most videos on rotten.com). But i couldn't watch anything like child rape.

Holy fuck, a burning pedo? send me that shit!