mittymittens
let's make it quick, ok?
- Jun 11, 2023
- 80
really dumb and i'm prob gonna spiral writing this
i knew this guy since i was 8 we were childhood friends and we grew up together i guess cus same schools all throughout till we graduated highschool. we were really close in middle school and i told him very sensitive family stuff that i told literally no one else.
he liked me since he was 8, kept pursuing even tho i said no and then in hs i randomly started liking him except unfortunately i was fearful avoidant and wasn't self aware. so he would ask me out and id say yes but last minute id just not want to go out of fear (shitty i know). i definetly hurt him, which led to us start to drift apart and him focusing on other girls and him losing feelings for me.
then the following year before my senior year started we agreed to a fwb and it got flirty and then a few months later we didn't have sex but we did other things in his car. ofc we both promised each other to keep it a secret and i was certain it wouldn't get out there (anddd guess what my old friend told me, he told her) he also was the first to ever touch me like that.
i cut him off impulsively after hearing my best friend who had terrible experiences with him. also hearing how he didn't keep it a secret, i unadded him everywhere and didn't think much of it cus we weren't even talking anymore let alone greeting each other in the halls that's how much we drifted, so i thought he wouldn't care or even notice.
he did notice 2 weeks later and then i asked a mutual friend what happened between us and friend didn't really answer so he never rly knew. then like 2-3 months toward the end of hs he just kept staring at me and staring i remember once i was laughing and getting chased by my friend and he turned his head from afar to watch. he even tried to get my attention at some point but my ego couldn't reconcile what he did to me and what i heard of him wasn't helping either. (not just from my best friend but other people as well)
last day of graduation i was walking out with family and he saw me obviously and he stopped walking to look af me but i never looked at him cus i just felt so angry in that moment
so it's like we both made mistakes and if it was just him and not me. i would've at least hated him i think but i can't move past it and it's been haunting me everyday if i made the right choice or if i should've at least heard him out bcus we were childhood friends. it makes me feel so guilty. apart of me is i think extremely attached to the fantasy of him. at least i gotten to the point of acknowledging i don't actually like him as a person but what he is in my head. i know that's not really him because i never really gave a chance to know him.
this is where it gets unhealthy and where my concerns lie, even a year , gonna be 2 after graduation he haunts me, and i keep looking at him thru socials and decoding everything. like i saw him play roblox with another girl from school and he doesn't acc ever play roblox nor does she looking at her activity and one of the games they played was one of the games me and him used to play together bcus of me back when we were best friends. i start checking social medias obsessively and still do to relieve anxiety, not only that like 2-3 months ago i saw him add a sad heartbreak song that sounded very sad and legit sounded like a one to one what he was thinking about in senior year and that's the only actually sad song in any of his playlists. it's just gotten to a point where i just wanna detach from this person and not do this but i can't.
apart of me wants to reach out for myself and potentially him but another part of me doesn't think it's a good idea and that i should leave the situation alone.
there's a lot more detail and it's already long so i'll just end it here. i already tried therapy for this but again super unhelpful. i need probably a reality check on me i know it's unhealthy i just don't really know how to stop.
i knew this guy since i was 8 we were childhood friends and we grew up together i guess cus same schools all throughout till we graduated highschool. we were really close in middle school and i told him very sensitive family stuff that i told literally no one else.
he liked me since he was 8, kept pursuing even tho i said no and then in hs i randomly started liking him except unfortunately i was fearful avoidant and wasn't self aware. so he would ask me out and id say yes but last minute id just not want to go out of fear (shitty i know). i definetly hurt him, which led to us start to drift apart and him focusing on other girls and him losing feelings for me.
then the following year before my senior year started we agreed to a fwb and it got flirty and then a few months later we didn't have sex but we did other things in his car. ofc we both promised each other to keep it a secret and i was certain it wouldn't get out there (anddd guess what my old friend told me, he told her) he also was the first to ever touch me like that.
i cut him off impulsively after hearing my best friend who had terrible experiences with him. also hearing how he didn't keep it a secret, i unadded him everywhere and didn't think much of it cus we weren't even talking anymore let alone greeting each other in the halls that's how much we drifted, so i thought he wouldn't care or even notice.
he did notice 2 weeks later and then i asked a mutual friend what happened between us and friend didn't really answer so he never rly knew. then like 2-3 months toward the end of hs he just kept staring at me and staring i remember once i was laughing and getting chased by my friend and he turned his head from afar to watch. he even tried to get my attention at some point but my ego couldn't reconcile what he did to me and what i heard of him wasn't helping either. (not just from my best friend but other people as well)
last day of graduation i was walking out with family and he saw me obviously and he stopped walking to look af me but i never looked at him cus i just felt so angry in that moment
so it's like we both made mistakes and if it was just him and not me. i would've at least hated him i think but i can't move past it and it's been haunting me everyday if i made the right choice or if i should've at least heard him out bcus we were childhood friends. it makes me feel so guilty. apart of me is i think extremely attached to the fantasy of him. at least i gotten to the point of acknowledging i don't actually like him as a person but what he is in my head. i know that's not really him because i never really gave a chance to know him.
this is where it gets unhealthy and where my concerns lie, even a year , gonna be 2 after graduation he haunts me, and i keep looking at him thru socials and decoding everything. like i saw him play roblox with another girl from school and he doesn't acc ever play roblox nor does she looking at her activity and one of the games they played was one of the games me and him used to play together bcus of me back when we were best friends. i start checking social medias obsessively and still do to relieve anxiety, not only that like 2-3 months ago i saw him add a sad heartbreak song that sounded very sad and legit sounded like a one to one what he was thinking about in senior year and that's the only actually sad song in any of his playlists. it's just gotten to a point where i just wanna detach from this person and not do this but i can't.
apart of me wants to reach out for myself and potentially him but another part of me doesn't think it's a good idea and that i should leave the situation alone.
there's a lot more detail and it's already long so i'll just end it here. i already tried therapy for this but again super unhelpful. i need probably a reality check on me i know it's unhealthy i just don't really know how to stop.
