Need a way to cope with university or I will definitely ctb

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Sorry I am posting so much. I don't think I can do this. I am 1/3 of the way through my degree and it is so stressful. I can't take care of myself whilst living on my own yet I am forced to. The advice that works for normies does not really apply in the situation of a disabled person.

I feel like I've been extremely proactive in trying to get assistance.. it just doesn't exist. Every piece of advice I see online tells you that you need to establish a strict schedule and stick to it. One can't really have a schedule when you're chronically ill and the severity of your condition wavers day by day. Everytime I try to plan something, it usually falls apart due to the unpredictable nature of the diseases I suffer from.

My university offers disability adjustment plans for students, but mine is pretty much useless. I get extra time on exams and that's it. No tangible help. The disability office is supposed to inform all of the lecturers on my course about my impairments, but I seriously doubt this has happened, because my lecturers do not have a care in the world.

My course is meant to be cutthroat and stressful, of course no one wants to help you. I cannot really afford to spare money for a private tutor, and I doubt they exist for a field as specialised as brain science anyhow. My university refuses to give me any one on one help, and my lecturers don't answer questions, so I'm left to struggle alone.

I do not know the extent of the damage that's been done to my mind due to illness, but I know for a fact that I'm not as sharp as I was prior to developing CFS. I've been prescribed every single stimulant drug on the market and it's done fuck all to alleviate any of my fatigue, memory issues, and other cognitive impairments. The side effects were brutal and made me worse. I have tried every single antidepressant too except MAOIs.

Nootropics, psychedelics, CBD, I've taken a stab at all of them. Nothing has provided me with even a modicum of relief. I need to be able to study and revise but I can't when I'm so exhausted that I feel as if I've been hit by a truck on a daily basis. No one takes it seriously and tries to downplay my pain, all because I got high marks (first class honors) last year when everything was online.

Next academic year (well, a few weeks to be precise) will not be online and is going to involve a lot of long, hands on in person classes. I have no idea how I'm expected to do this while cooking and cleaning my house. I cannot even stand in the kitchen for an hour to make dinner without feeling as if my legs and back are being stabbed by knives.

Quitting is not an option, because I have no family and my boyfriend won't help me. He doesn't seem to believe how dire the situation is. I would ctb immediately but my survival instinct is too strong.

Please, I don't know how I can go on. I am burning up with fever everyday, my feet and hands are plagued with raynaud's syndrome, I'm in constant pain all over my body, I'm exhausted, and I can't see properly. I don't know how I can do this. I have 2 more years left and each passing day fills me with more and more dread.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this, it sounds really stressful having to deal with all that pressure. I understand that it is hard to carry on when everything is hopeless and of course others will not be able to understand as they do not have your illnesses. I wish you well.

 

[Midgardsorm]

Kuri, this is so sad. I'm really sorry.

First of all, don't be sorry for posting. I'm always happy to hear from you.

Your university may not have had many students with chronic problems. If the subjects at least had the option of an online course...

The fact that you got top score in the past year shows how smart you are, even so, they refuse to provide you the necessary support so that you can continue on the course and graduate with honors. So much for inclusion and student aid.

I would recommend a change from university to one with better support for students suffering from any conditions, but I imagine it is not a possible or an easy option.

I can't even imagine how hard this must be.
And you're even doing house work? This is insane. Is there limit to how cruel people can be?

I wish I could help you. If I weren't light-years away, I would.

I envy you. You're very talented and strong. A heroine indeed. I wish this have a good ending, somehow. Can't see you suffer like this.

Wishing you the best, from the bottom of my heart.

 

[Flippy]

Hey Kuri. I'm really sorry that you are struggling so much particularly at this point in your university career. A lot of what you described concerning your physical issues seem so similar to what I have been experiencing over the last few years. I doubt my problems are as severe but I can certainly relate to the futility of trying to perk yourself up and gather all your resolve into one place and try to channel it into achieving a goal.

I used to love working on cars but in recent times I am a shadow of my former self. Gone are the days where I would have to be dragged into the house after spending the whole day pulling a car to pieces. But apparently this is all a fantasy I made up. One so convincing that my friends, family, work colleagues and most bitter enemies were persuaded by it. Going from high functioning to zero can be very distressing.

I had a similar experience in my final year at university. I had initially signed up to do a two year HND and somehow got through despite severe depression. Then on the back of what was likely a manic episode, I decided to do a 3rd year to convert to a degree. I know I wasn't thinking straight at the time as I had no way to fund another year or support myself, but nonetheless, I plowed straight on in and hit the ground running and volunteered myself for an ambitious amount of work, far beyond what was necessary.

I thought I was unstoppable. Right up to the point the manic episode ended and I hit the wall of depression at high speed. Such are the joys of bipolar disorder :-(

I couldn't function at all and barely attended and got really behind in my work. I could barely speak and one day I turned up to try to do a presentation on my dissertation but my course leader could tell, I really wasn't well.

He told me that I needed to speak to a counsellor. In the end he was able to help me speak to the right people to get extensions for work etc. Does your university offer this sort of service? It can be very hard to navigate the rules and policies involved in this sort of thing. Even worse when gathering yourself enough to do even the things most take for granted is a necessity.

If you are in the UK you might be able to speak to the Students' Union who might be able to help. I know how distressing and devastating it can feel to feel like all your hard work is going down the pan, particularly at this stage.

With my experience, I got through on a wing and a prayer, and also thanks to my mood flipping back the other way. I didn't get the first I was predicted, a 2:1 had to suffice.

I can certainly relate to the mental dullness you describe. I feel like I'm only firing on 2-3 cylinders when a few years ago my brain (by comparison) felt like a furious V8 engine. However, you certainly express yourself very well in your posts. Very articulate and very insightful. So you have that resource still. I think with some assistance you can get through.

It sounds like a very challenging course. Is it neuroscience you are studying? I find it fascinating myself. Perhaps that's because I want to know what's going on in my head and I find the behaviour of "normies" so incomprehensible a lot of the time. I like reading books by Oliver Sacks. No doubt you are aware of his work?

I know someone who works at a university in the department that makes decisions on students getting extensions and resits. From the stories they've told me, I think you are a long way from having to give up!