toseeyousmile
Member
- Nov 23, 2020
- 80
I'm looking for a second opinion on the thoughts I have. Lately I've been trying to confirm
and prepare myself mentally for if I really do decide on ctb. To give some background, I'm a
20 year old uni student that screwed up in the first 2 years of uni and so it's pretty much hopeless
for me to continue in this uni. I screwed up because depression + procrastination pretty much, and on
top of this my parents are really serious when it comes to school stuff so that doesn't help with the
depression and anxiety I got. Which leaves me in my current situation where I've basically been a neet
for 8~9 months and been hiding the fact that I'm not actually going to school from my family so that's
also been stacking on my anxiety(fear of getting found out) and piling on my depression(makes me feel guilty).
In that time I also tried looking for jobs but then, procrastination of putting it off and anxiety/depression
from rejection made it not very easy and so I was unsuccessful. After talking about a bit of my situation here,
people have told me to drop uni and go to trade/tech school and try to pick up my life from there. To me this
seems like a good idea, not only will I get a direction in life for my future but also not be too far behind in
life since tech/trade school is not as long. Sure there are downsides to this situation, disappointing and being
not approved of by my parents is a big one, and I'll still procrastinate and that'll give me a hard time, but
judging from my marks and knowing what I am capable of, I think it'd be doable and I'll be able to get through it
even if it'll be a tough time. Which makes you wonder why I'd even still be here with that good solution to give
me a new direction in life, truthfully, I'm not quite sure myself. The more I think about it, I think the reason
I don't really feel like contiuing on with life even with the solution in front of me is because I think I've
lost my will to live. I feel like, just as how I've ran away and avoided most of my life's problems instead of
fighting them head on, this is the ultimate form of escaping from my current problem and how my lack of will
to live contributes to this is by how, without it, I haven't the willpower to even want to attempt to get
a sense of direction in life back. Or that, even if I do go through with this pretty practical and good
scenario, that eventhough my circumstances has bettered, I myself won't really be happy or find some reason
to keep on living, that maybe at my core, all I can do is get rid of a lot of the things that stress me out
and never really find meaningfulness or fulfillment in life. Of course I've also looked at all this from the
angle that I should just go through with the scenario and just overlook my worries and brush a lot of it off
(not all) as me being a dumb 20 year old that knows nothing about life, so that's another possibility.
What are your guys' take on this? I know you you guys can't really peer inside my head and really
see what's going on but I think this is probably enough information
to make some kind of evaluation of my current situation.
Also some things I'd like to note:
1) The reason I'm currenty not continuing uni is because in the first 2 years, I procrastinated and failed/didn't
do well on a lot of classes so I dropped them to save my gpa, meaning that I didn't meet the requirements to keep
getting financialhelp to keep continuing school for this school year, but this restriction will be lifted in the
next school year so if I do decide to continue or transfer I can next year.
2) The reason why the tone of my writing may come off as a bit blunt and kinda crass is because I think this is the
best way to get the facts out for other people to see and for myself to help evaluate if I really do want to ctb, and
I wouldn't want my decision to ctb be as a result of impulse or just me missing something from my reflection.
thx if you're reading all this :) also if there's anything else you think I should add, feel free to tell me.
and prepare myself mentally for if I really do decide on ctb. To give some background, I'm a
20 year old uni student that screwed up in the first 2 years of uni and so it's pretty much hopeless
for me to continue in this uni. I screwed up because depression + procrastination pretty much, and on
top of this my parents are really serious when it comes to school stuff so that doesn't help with the
depression and anxiety I got. Which leaves me in my current situation where I've basically been a neet
for 8~9 months and been hiding the fact that I'm not actually going to school from my family so that's
also been stacking on my anxiety(fear of getting found out) and piling on my depression(makes me feel guilty).
In that time I also tried looking for jobs but then, procrastination of putting it off and anxiety/depression
from rejection made it not very easy and so I was unsuccessful. After talking about a bit of my situation here,
people have told me to drop uni and go to trade/tech school and try to pick up my life from there. To me this
seems like a good idea, not only will I get a direction in life for my future but also not be too far behind in
life since tech/trade school is not as long. Sure there are downsides to this situation, disappointing and being
not approved of by my parents is a big one, and I'll still procrastinate and that'll give me a hard time, but
judging from my marks and knowing what I am capable of, I think it'd be doable and I'll be able to get through it
even if it'll be a tough time. Which makes you wonder why I'd even still be here with that good solution to give
me a new direction in life, truthfully, I'm not quite sure myself. The more I think about it, I think the reason
I don't really feel like contiuing on with life even with the solution in front of me is because I think I've
lost my will to live. I feel like, just as how I've ran away and avoided most of my life's problems instead of
fighting them head on, this is the ultimate form of escaping from my current problem and how my lack of will
to live contributes to this is by how, without it, I haven't the willpower to even want to attempt to get
a sense of direction in life back. Or that, even if I do go through with this pretty practical and good
scenario, that eventhough my circumstances has bettered, I myself won't really be happy or find some reason
to keep on living, that maybe at my core, all I can do is get rid of a lot of the things that stress me out
and never really find meaningfulness or fulfillment in life. Of course I've also looked at all this from the
angle that I should just go through with the scenario and just overlook my worries and brush a lot of it off
(not all) as me being a dumb 20 year old that knows nothing about life, so that's another possibility.
What are your guys' take on this? I know you you guys can't really peer inside my head and really
see what's going on but I think this is probably enough information
to make some kind of evaluation of my current situation.
Also some things I'd like to note:
1) The reason I'm currenty not continuing uni is because in the first 2 years, I procrastinated and failed/didn't
do well on a lot of classes so I dropped them to save my gpa, meaning that I didn't meet the requirements to keep
getting financialhelp to keep continuing school for this school year, but this restriction will be lifted in the
next school year so if I do decide to continue or transfer I can next year.
2) The reason why the tone of my writing may come off as a bit blunt and kinda crass is because I think this is the
best way to get the facts out for other people to see and for myself to help evaluate if I really do want to ctb, and
I wouldn't want my decision to ctb be as a result of impulse or just me missing something from my reflection.
thx if you're reading all this :) also if there's anything else you think I should add, feel free to tell me.
I completely understand you wanting to ctb. I'm 37 and have struggled with this decision since I was a teenager. I feel how alone you are and how tough it is to hide a giant secret from your family. The depression/anxiety/procrastination cycle wrecks me too. My house is a disgusting mess that I hate living in but feel helpless to change.
