WhatDoesTheFoxSay?
Hold your head high, and your middle finger higher
- Dec 25, 2020
- 1,152
(For purposes of simplification, I will use the letter "n" as a short form of the word "narcissistic".)
Recent events have made me realise that I have definitely picked up on some of my nparents'—specifically my nfather—nbehaviours, or "fleas" as they call it. Which I'm ashamed of, to say the least. The monster in me rears it's ugly head especially when I'm distressed, and I can say that during those times I'm even worse than my nfather and mother combined.
On Saturday I decided to pamper the child inside me by buying some snacks from the convenience store (7-Eleven here). I bought some Twisties, a Gardenia Cream Roll and a Slurpee (a kind of slushie). Not particularly healthy, I know, but junk foods like these defined my childhood. So I went back and started snacking away.
Unfortunately my little "tea break" too close to dinner time. But, still wanting to indulge myself, I went on and ordered a sushi platter from a nearby Japanese restaurant. Then I went to have a shower, but while that happened, I started to not feel so good. By the time I got finished, I had a headache.
I was disappointed. That such a thing got in the way such that I couldn't enjoy my sushi. Pain-free, that is. I became irritable and lashed out at my mom who was just trying to help. (Much like Nfather did to her when he was ill on one occasion, but that is a story for another day.) Regardless, I ate whatever I can. The sushi was good.
Later that night my headache became a full-blown migraine. I was miserable. My sister, seeing the Slurpee on the table, mentions that drinks like these have a high sugar content, and that I could be sensitive to that. Not only that, the Twisties was also very salty (much, much more than what I'd usually be okay with) I suspected that it could've triggered my headache.
With that said, as the pain got more and more unbearable, I started to blame myself for wanting to indulge my Child. I was trying so hard not to blame her, and telling myself that it was my choice to get those "junk" foods, in the heat of nostalgia. Finally, I lost it and snapped, telling her that I regretted getting her those snacks, and that I should've known better. That really hurt her. Sobbing, she ran off away, retreating further into the recesses of my mind.
I ended up taking an Anarex pill and was finally able to fall asleep. Before that I was aware that if I blamed my Child (for having desires any child would) I would be no better off than my parents, so the (good) voices in my head were trying their damnedest to keep me from lashing out at her. But I lost control in the end and did just that.
Thinking back, the way things played out was exactly the way I had been treated as a child by my nparents. To give an example, Nfather got me a Game Boy when I was in elementary school. But over time I became engrossed with video games (not just on the Game Boy) and started to lose focus on my studies. Frustrated, my parents locked up my consoles and expressed, clearly, on multiple occasions, that they should NOT have indulged us.
Regrettably, little me, thinking that her parents were right, felt that she was to blame for her misbehaviour, in particular her "addiction" to video games. To her her parents were great people who "sacrificed" their time and money to get her the things she wanted. Letting them down, she felt like a burden, and didn't want—and over time became reluctant—to bother her parents for anything she didn't need.
My nparents' contradictory and inconsistent actions also confused little me as to whether they really loved her or not. On the surface they got her whatever she wanted, but when things went "wrong"—such as when she didn't live up to their expectations—they would express their "regret" at getting her those things in the first place. Sadly, seeing her parents upset hurt her, and, thinking that they were never going to buy her things again, little me took it upon herself to make her parents happy and proud.
Poor kid. It's one thing to gift something to someone and then regret it later, but it's another to rub it in their faces (or even go as far to demand said gift back). Little me thought she was a bad kid, and that she was lazy, distracted and didn't put enough effort into her studies. The feeling that she is never good enough for others is something I am still struggling with to this day. To add insult to the injury of little me already having to bury her needs, many years later, when I was much older I was praised by a religious Nfather for being so "spiritually advanced" enough to care little for "material things".
On top of everything, I find it utterly reprehensible that gift-giving (but more importantly withdrawal) had been instrumentalised by my nparents' for their self-serving agendas. They had little me like a puppet on a string in the palms of their hands. With that said, the only silver lining is that I have learnt valuable lessons from them. Not just about not treating others the same way as they did to me, but about what kind of mindset I should have towards giving. Giving should be from the heart—sincerely, enthusiastically, and not out of obligation or a sense of duty. Nor for an ulterior motive like the example of the parental power play that my nparents have set for me.
Recent events have made me realise that I have definitely picked up on some of my nparents'—specifically my nfather—nbehaviours, or "fleas" as they call it. Which I'm ashamed of, to say the least. The monster in me rears it's ugly head especially when I'm distressed, and I can say that during those times I'm even worse than my nfather and mother combined.
On Saturday I decided to pamper the child inside me by buying some snacks from the convenience store (7-Eleven here). I bought some Twisties, a Gardenia Cream Roll and a Slurpee (a kind of slushie). Not particularly healthy, I know, but junk foods like these defined my childhood. So I went back and started snacking away.
Unfortunately my little "tea break" too close to dinner time. But, still wanting to indulge myself, I went on and ordered a sushi platter from a nearby Japanese restaurant. Then I went to have a shower, but while that happened, I started to not feel so good. By the time I got finished, I had a headache.
I was disappointed. That such a thing got in the way such that I couldn't enjoy my sushi. Pain-free, that is. I became irritable and lashed out at my mom who was just trying to help. (Much like Nfather did to her when he was ill on one occasion, but that is a story for another day.) Regardless, I ate whatever I can. The sushi was good.
Later that night my headache became a full-blown migraine. I was miserable. My sister, seeing the Slurpee on the table, mentions that drinks like these have a high sugar content, and that I could be sensitive to that. Not only that, the Twisties was also very salty (much, much more than what I'd usually be okay with) I suspected that it could've triggered my headache.
With that said, as the pain got more and more unbearable, I started to blame myself for wanting to indulge my Child. I was trying so hard not to blame her, and telling myself that it was my choice to get those "junk" foods, in the heat of nostalgia. Finally, I lost it and snapped, telling her that I regretted getting her those snacks, and that I should've known better. That really hurt her. Sobbing, she ran off away, retreating further into the recesses of my mind.
I ended up taking an Anarex pill and was finally able to fall asleep. Before that I was aware that if I blamed my Child (for having desires any child would) I would be no better off than my parents, so the (good) voices in my head were trying their damnedest to keep me from lashing out at her. But I lost control in the end and did just that.
Thinking back, the way things played out was exactly the way I had been treated as a child by my nparents. To give an example, Nfather got me a Game Boy when I was in elementary school. But over time I became engrossed with video games (not just on the Game Boy) and started to lose focus on my studies. Frustrated, my parents locked up my consoles and expressed, clearly, on multiple occasions, that they should NOT have indulged us.
Regrettably, little me, thinking that her parents were right, felt that she was to blame for her misbehaviour, in particular her "addiction" to video games. To her her parents were great people who "sacrificed" their time and money to get her the things she wanted. Letting them down, she felt like a burden, and didn't want—and over time became reluctant—to bother her parents for anything she didn't need.
My nparents' contradictory and inconsistent actions also confused little me as to whether they really loved her or not. On the surface they got her whatever she wanted, but when things went "wrong"—such as when she didn't live up to their expectations—they would express their "regret" at getting her those things in the first place. Sadly, seeing her parents upset hurt her, and, thinking that they were never going to buy her things again, little me took it upon herself to make her parents happy and proud.
Poor kid. It's one thing to gift something to someone and then regret it later, but it's another to rub it in their faces (or even go as far to demand said gift back). Little me thought she was a bad kid, and that she was lazy, distracted and didn't put enough effort into her studies. The feeling that she is never good enough for others is something I am still struggling with to this day. To add insult to the injury of little me already having to bury her needs, many years later, when I was much older I was praised by a religious Nfather for being so "spiritually advanced" enough to care little for "material things".
On top of everything, I find it utterly reprehensible that gift-giving (but more importantly withdrawal) had been instrumentalised by my nparents' for their self-serving agendas. They had little me like a puppet on a string in the palms of their hands. With that said, the only silver lining is that I have learnt valuable lessons from them. Not just about not treating others the same way as they did to me, but about what kind of mindset I should have towards giving. Giving should be from the heart—sincerely, enthusiastically, and not out of obligation or a sense of duty. Nor for an ulterior motive like the example of the parental power play that my nparents have set for me.
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