Name one of the 6,783 reasons you want to kill yourself?

[BecomingTired]

Just very tired.

 

[VeryShy]

Not being able to care for myself

 

[TakeMeToHeaven]

constant anxiety

 

[Tarrasque]

Many of my issues have been mentioned so I'll try and articulate something I don't see spoken about very often. This might be slightly weird, but I don't know myself at all? I know that I'm unsatisfied with my life but I don't know what I want instead. I know I hate my body, but I can't actually envision the way I'd like it to be. I have precious few consistent tastes or values. Most of the time I feel like an empty shell, wandering around on autopilot and killing time with no personality and no goal in mind. It's not all the time that I feel absent of a personality, but when I do feel something it's not consistent and can be wildly different to how I've felt before, as though there are different personalities which come and go. I can take on a really strong opinion or belief and really genuinely believe it, but it's only there a small fraction of the time. I'll be completely ready to fight about it but then an hour later I have literally no perspective on how it felt to think that way. I feel like most people out there in the world can name something they want and start trying to go about getting it and thus improve their situation a bit, but that's impossible for me to do for any significant length of time, and I get paralyzed by thinking any decision I make might actually be the wrong decision for the person I will be 48 hours from now.

My psychologist thinks I might have a dissociative disorder but I'm not fully confident that's right, the experiences I see from those who have those conditions feel extreme and specific and I don't totally match the profile. What I've described makes it difficult to figure out what I need to do to be happy, and makes it a sisyphean task where you might make some progress, but then the goalposts move. It makes it hard to keep friends because they might take a liking to me and then the next time they see me I'm a very different person or I've forgotten how to be around them. I got into a relationship with someone who is absolutely wonderful but I spent about half of the time not having any sort of feeling for her and about 10% of the time really disliking her, even though she was consistently lovely. I feel very guilty about that. It's weird and I feel broken, and I want to stop running on this endless treadmill.

 

[Forgettable]

Broken will, i dont want anything anymore.

 

[Velvet Fortress]

I'm tired of always of always being in pain, and of constantly having to push through it