Name and shame; love or hate?
How about love affairs that turned into death spirals?
Simply put, if I could pick three things: Testosterone, Adderall, Valium. But so many others along the way.
Testosterone and other anabolic steroids, HGH, insulin, stimulants (caffeine, ephedrine, yohimbine, clenbuterol, modafinil, Dexedrine/Adderall/other amphetamines) used to be enough to power me through life, Viagra and Cialis and PGE-1/Caverject/Tri-Mix enough to power me through sex.
But having been a lifelong insomniac, eventually I lost the ability to go to sleep. At first melatonin or GHB or 1,4 butanediol did the trick, then increasing doses of Valium and Xanax.
Over the last 2-3 years, everything has stopped working. I've seen psychiatrists and tried all the usual suspects with only negative side effects to show for it.
For me personally...trazodone and mirtazapine were awful drugs with terrible hangovers. Quetiapine (Seroquel) was a particularly evil substance, with terrible nightmares and aggravated OCD the next day. Bupropion improved mood but increased OCD. Buspirone made me want to take a shit constantly, until I couldn't make it to the bathroom in time one morning, and there was a big mess to clean up on the bedroom floor. Benadryl and other anti-histamines have anti-cholinergic effects that leave me feeling doped up and just dead inside the day after. When I say dead, I mean dead. And so on.
I liked GHB, back in the old days of the early 1990's, when I could get some made in Dan Duchaine's own kitchen. I miss the old days. But I may be remembering them too fondly, as we had our problems then as well.
I've tried most of the common choices, and they all have their drawbacks, and they all have their own terrible withdrawals if you try to STOP using the substance after a continued period of use. Starting is comparatively easy, of course. It's STOPPING that's the hard part. Like an avalanche on a mountainside, it may take some effort to get it started, but once it has begun, good luck to anybody who gets in the way.
Eventually only ever increasing doses of Adderall (200 - 300mg per day) were enough to make me euphoric, then only happy, then only depression and feeding the cravings to avoid withdrawal. I ceased to care whether I would live or die at all, and went to sleep every night hoping to not wake up in the morning.
The problem is, I still keep waking up in the morning, no matter what I do. Whether that is a hideous strength or glaring weakness is in the eye of the beholder.
In early December, I suffered what was later confirmed to be a heart attack (myocardial infarction). Instead of seeking help or going to the ER, I laid down in bed and gave thanks and prepared my soul for death.
But I woke up the next morning, and every morning since, although I continued to grow weaker and weaker. I had been a big and strong guy all my adult life, but now simple tasks like climbing stairs or taking out the trash became physically impossible. I slowly lost the strength and any remaining will to live.
Finally on New Year's Eve, my adult daughter convinced me to go to the ER, where eventually heart attack was confirmed, 3 of 4 coronary arteries were 99% blocked and open heart surgery (CABG, coronary artery bypass grafting) was necessary. I went along with it to please my family, and because I was too weak to resist in the hospital, where all the drugs I depended on for years had been taken away and I went through severe cold turkey withdrawal from benzos and amphetamines, everything really.
Now I have been released from the hospital, am weaker than a baby, and almost complete anhedonia has set in.
I am in pain, all the time, every moment of every day, whether I am sleeping or waking. They had to break my sternum to get at my heart, so lifting is out of the question, and there is no position I can stand, sit, or lay in which is not painful. Sleep would be impossible if not for Valium, Xanax, and Oxycodone.
I can't do anything on my own anymore. My wife has to help me into bed at night, and out of bed in the morning. Climbing a flight of stairs is like climbing Mt Everest, and I have to pause several times and almost vomit at the top of the stairs. I require benzos to sedate myself at night, gasp for air until morning, and pray that I never wake up.
But, as stated before, the problem is that I keep waking up in the morning, no matter what I do.
So I keep coming back to the benzos at night to sleep, Valium in particular, because they work. And because I must. And despite my heart attack/heart failure, amphetamines during the day to stay awake and get something done. Because they work. And because I must.
But I would caution anybody against starting ANY of these substances casually, and without trying all other means first, and without exhausting all other options. That goes for the benzos and amphetamines, but it also goes just as much for the anti-depressants, the anti-psychotics like Seroquel, and what have you. Because taking that first pill may be easy, but it's the withdrawals that will kill you. And if you develop a dependence on any of these substances, you can be sure that the withdrawals are out there in the shadows waiting for you. Starting is easy. It's stopping that's the killer. And that's the catch they usually neglect to mention when you start.
That, and the fact that they all slowly lose effectiveness as time goes on, and you need more and more to get the same effect. And if you can't take more, then you must switch to a new substance. And if you must switch to a new substance, then you must deal with the withdrawals from the old substance. And eventually you become a slave to a little blue pill (or red, or yellow, whatever.) Just try going without it, and you will see what I mean.
How do you make a man a slave?
Give a man something every night or day for five years.
Then threaten to take it away.
Dwell seriously on that before you start taking anything. Doesn't matter what it is. I wish I did.
But on the other hand, we must sleep. And some of us just cannot sleep. As evidenced by the fact that it's now 2:09am and I am still wide awake. Therefore I must take something to sedate me for a few hours rest, so that I can still achieve something useful tomorrow. So Valium and Oxycodone.
And I must be up to get things done tomorrow. So Adderall/Dexedrine.
So pick your poison carefully, but don't have any illusions about what you are getting into.
Sweet dreams, my friends.
