Venting My "Wellness Check" Today

[TapeMachine]

I had really been hoping that I was somehow miraculously in the clear with this whole IC ordeal.. that maybe, just maybe I would be exempt from the dreaded "wellness checks" I've been seeing mentioned here in the forum for over a week now.

How silly of me to even consider such a thing, right? Heh.

I'm really feeling quite sick to my stomach right now, like I'm being pushed to do this even though I haven't been actively suicidal for weeks now.

I won't go into many details, as to not further compromise my identity/situation; but the little police visit has ruined everything. My boyfriend is giving me the cold-shoulder, and he even left me here alone in this big, empty house after the police left. He won't respond to my texts nor calls. It's almost like he wants me to do it...like he's daring me..

No, he has not tried to sit down with me to have a mature conversation about any of this. I even gave the cops a solid excuse when they were here, which they believed well enough; and then they thanked us, and the cops left our house. (I wish I could regale you all with the beautiful lie I created for them, but we all should be careful how much we reveal here.)

I already knew my bf didn't care about me, so it is no surprise that his response to the possibility of my being suicidal is to completely ignore me and then leave me alone in our house. In his eyes, my worth is equated to what I can do for him, not who I am as a person.

So anyway. I have nowhere to run. I have nobody in this life, save for one extraordinary friend from this forum. I didn't want to leave under such uncomfortable, frantic, pressured conditions- but fuck, it looks like I better get serious about this shit NOW.

I feel like a caged and cornered animal, like my only options are grim, whether I ctb or not.

I won't act tonight, nor will I execute my plan until I've had enough time to fully comprehend everything that has occurred today and in the span of my entire life.

What an absolute wreck. I feel as though I still have so much love to give, even after having lived such an arduous life...but it seems my time is running out. And you know, it didn't have to be this way.

I'm not usually one to pin the blame on anyone but myself for whatever I might do, but I feel that much of this is no longer in my hands. I hope the Fixthe26 crew is pleased with the results of their crusade.

Forgot to add: I live in southeastern US. Purchased from IC a couple months ago.

 

[Saltedcoffee]

I ordered from IC in February, and had the police come over to take it away from me on 1st of May. I live in Finland

 

[LateForTheBus]

I'm so sorry this happened to you and for your boyfriend's cold response. Please don't let it push you to CTB before you are truly ready, though. They are just trying to build a case against KL, and I don't imagine the cops will visit you a 2nd time. We're here for you, whatever you decide. (Hugs)

 

[TapeMachine]

I'm so sorry this happened to you and for your boyfriend's cold response. Please don't let it push you to CTB before you are truly ready, though. They are just trying to build a case against KL, and I don't imagine the cops will visit you a 2nd time. We're here for you, whatever you decide. (Hugs)

I realize that. I am aware that these "wellness" checks have absolutely nothing to do with our wellness, that my home life is now destroyed because of this case they want to build against KL.

Those facts don't change my situation though... The aftermath of this is monumental for me.

Sorry if my words sound aggressive; I really don't mean for them to...I'm so sorry. I'm just nervous and sick to my stomach, and my emotions are fried today. Thank you for your kindness though; I appreciate you ❤

 

[AkaRed]

This was a really heartfelt post, and I am wishing you all the best in your decisions. I hope that you take the time you need to think everything over- and I honestly hope you can recover. Your boyfriend's response to your health is disgusting and you deserve so so so much better. Much love.
<3

 

[Letgo]

I am so sorry that you're going through this. Thinking of you and sending you hugs. We are here for you.

 

[epic]

These people don't realize how these visits affect inter-personal relationships. Just so they can tick some boxes they are showing up on doors without fully accesing the consequences .

I feel sorry for your situation with your boyfriend . I hope things turn around for you.

 

[Nangijala]

Very sorry to hear what you are going through. Really wish they approached this in a different way. I also ordered from IC but havent had a visit yet, hope they stay away but I am doubtful after hearing of visits still happening.

 

[Anon1337]

This is horrible and humiliating. These "welfare checks" have caused so much harm.

 

[Valky]

This is horrible and humiliating. These "welfare checks" have caused so much harm.

And yet the fixers still claim that it is the best for us and 'saves' people and that the panic caused by this is necessary for it…

 

[GasMonkey]

had the police come over to take it away from me

Did they have a search warrant?

 

[FuneralCry]

It's so horrific what has been happening to people, it just shows that it's not safe to plan to reliably die in this anti suicide society where so many people wish to make us slaves to suffering.

 

[LateForTheBus]

I realize that. I am aware that these "wellness" checks have absolutely nothing to do with our wellness, that my home life is now destroyed because of this case they want to build against KL.

Those facts don't change my situation though... The aftermath of this is monumental for me.

Sorry if my words sound aggressive; I really don't mean for them to...I'm so sorry. I'm just nervous and sick to my stomach, and my emotions are fried today. Thank you for your kindness though; I appreciate you ❤

No need to apologize! Your response didn't come across as aggressive. I can only imagine how stressful this whole situation is for you. Do whatever you need to feel better, and vent away! This is your safe space.

 

[FuneralGrey]

I'm sorry you've had to go through this. I'm glad to hear you mention you won't act until you've had more time to process things – as tempting as it is, acting impulsively or rashly wouldn't be good. I hope things can feel more calm for you soon.

 

[TapeMachine]

I ordered from IC in February, and had the police come over to take it away from me on 1st of May. I live in Finland

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. ::hugs:: Did you admit to having the product, and then they forcefully confiscated it? Or did you willingly hand the product over to the police?

I think I'll make a post that goes into far more detail about my police visit soon, perhaps on the day of my departure. It's just too entertaining not to share (if you remove the tragedy behind it all, of course.)

I still have all 3 jars of my product (thankfully), hidden in various spots all over this house. I have all of them stored pristinely, optimally because I hadn't been planning to actually drink the salty swill for years to come; so I wanted to ensure my product would remain potent enough to work it's magic, whether 6 months from now or 10 years.

Anyway. I'm terribly sorry that those fuckwads took your property. That both infuriates me and breaks my heart..

 

[InsatiableEmptiness]

I had really been hoping that I was somehow miraculously in the clear with this whole IC ordeal.. that maybe, just maybe I would be exempt from the dreaded "wellness checks" I've been seeing mentioned here in the forum for over a week now.

How silly of me to even consider such a thing, right? Heh.

I'm really feeling quite sick to my stomach right now, like I'm being pushed to do this even though I haven't been actively suicidal for weeks now.

I won't go into many details, as to not further compromise my identity/situation; but the little police visit has ruined everything. My boyfriend is giving me the cold-shoulder, and he even left me here alone in this big, empty house after the police left. He won't respond to my texts nor calls. It's almost like he wants me to do it...like he's daring me..

No, he has not tried to sit down with me to have a mature conversation about any of this. I even gave the cops a solid excuse when they were here, which they believed well enough; and then they thanked us, and the cops left our house. (I wish I could regale you all with the beautiful lie I created for them, but we all should be careful how much we reveal here.)

I already knew my bf didn't care about me, so it is no surprise that his response to the possibility of my being suicidal is to completely ignore me and then leave me alone in our house. In his eyes, my worth is equated to what I can do for him, not who I am as a person.

So anyway. I have nowhere to run. I have nobody in this life, save for one extraordinary friend from this forum. I didn't want to leave under such uncomfortable, frantic, pressured conditions- but fuck, it looks like I better get serious about this shit NOW.

I feel like a caged and cornered animal, like my only options are grim, whether I ctb or not.

I won't act tonight, nor will I execute my plan until I've had enough time to fully comprehend everything that has occurred today and in the span of my entire life.

What an absolute wreck. I feel as though I still have so much love to give, even after having lived such an arduous life...but it seems my time is running out. And you know, it didn't have to be this way.

I'm not usually one to pin the blame on anyone but myself for whatever I might do, but I feel that much of this is no longer in my hands. I hope the Fixthe26 crew is pleased with the results of their crusade.

Forgot to add: I live in southeastern US. Purchased from IC a couple months ago.

Im new here
What's IC
who's KL
And what are these "wellness" checks

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Im new here
What's IC
who's KL
And what are these "wellness" checks

IC is a business that sold SN to a lot of people. KL is the man who ran it. Police perform wellness checks (i.e. they show up at your home unannounced) to see if the person is okay, for example to see if they're at risk of suicide if such a report had been made . Of course like other people in the System the cops generally don't truly care are just doing their due diligence if only for their sakes at least.

 

[outrider567]

Im new here
What's IC
who's KL
And what are these "wellness" checks

KL is Kenneth Law, who ran many small businesses providing Sodium Nitrite and/or Nitrogen-related products to help people who are thinking of CTB' ing--Out of Canada, the police want to build a case against him because he was so successful, sending stuff to many different countries--So the cops have the master list and are fishing for info, and doing 'wellness checks'

 

[InsatiableEmptiness]

KL is Kenneth Law, who ran many small businesses providing Sodium Nitrite and/or Nitrogen-related products to help people who are thinking of CTB' ing--Out of Canada, the police want to build a case against him because he was so successful, sending stuff to many different countries--So the cops have the master list and are fishing for info, and doing 'wellness checks'

Wow. Weird world. Cops should put their resources to causes that actually improve life

 

[AshClouds]

I won't go into many details, as to not further compromise my identity/situation; but the little police visit has ruined everything. My boyfriend is giving me the cold-shoulder, and he even left me here alone in this big, empty house after the police left. He won't respond to my texts nor calls. It's almost like he wants me to do it

Sorry that happened to you. I'd be freaked out too of the cops came to my door to ask me about what I ordered. Apparently SN is now on a FBI watch list, no matter where you bought it from.
I'd be able to concoct a lie as well, but I'd also rather not have to go through with it myself. I'm glad they took your story.

Your boyfriend sounds like he's not even worth your time. Won't even ask you about it, just leaves… yeah, you deserve better, and I believe you can find someone who'd listen to you about your pain. You shouldn't let that person dictate your decisions, let you be the one who dicates your own decisons.

anyways, send you :hugs: your way

 

[Unlucked]

Oh geez, its actually on an FBI watchlist now? Thats really conerning, soon people won't even be able to get sn to cbt, and n is gone. Guess its going to become the old fashioned way, hanging, jumping, or other terrible methods.

Very sad.

 

[TapeMachine]

Sorry that happened to you. I'd be freaked out too of the cops came to my door to ask me about what I ordered. Apparently SN is now on a FBI watch list, no matter where you bought it from.
I'd be able to concoct a lie as well, but I'd also rather not have to go through with it myself. I'm glad they took your story.

Your boyfriend sounds like he's not even worth your time. Won't even ask you about it, just leaves… yeah, you deserve better, and I believe you can find someone who'd listen to you about your pain. You shouldn't let that person dictate your decisions, let you be the one who dicates your own decisons.

anyways, send you :hugs: your way

You're right.

It's true that I could put in the hard work required to get on my own two feet too, to be independent and free of his control; but I have a brain that fights against my desires and goals more often than not, and I'm afraid that I simply cannot see my way out of this mess, not this time, especially considering my lack of a strong support system.

I got myself into this fiasco; I'll get myself out.

But it's okay, really. I am feeling much more peaceful today. I've lived such a beautiful (though wearisome) life. I've loved and been loved, so fully. I have had the pleasure of knowing some of the most exquisite beings in this world, and I hold them in my heart, now and always. I hope that the ones I'll soon be leaving behind will understand that, only after abundant deliberation, will I have arrived at my decision to move onward into the unknown. I have never taken such a thing lightly.

I don't believe in an afterlife, not really; but I'm finding comfort in entertaining the possibility of one anyway. (Whatever helps, right?) I mean, how lovely would it be to see all of the beautiful souls again and (hopefully) under more salubrious conditions.. ❤

[I wrote the above a few days ago but forgot to post it, and I've only just noticed. I'll go ahead and post it now, I suppose.]

 

[SilentSadness]

The police are getting dangerously intrusive. They have no right to gaslight, threaten and steal from law-abiding individuals. It is true cruelty to do that to a person in immense suffering. However, they will continue to do it regardless I'm sure, as they are interested only in advancing their own salary.

 

[existentialgoof]

This is appalling. Unless we form some kind of a political activist bloc to fight back against the myth that we are all "vulnerable" children who cannot think for ourselves, the retrograde pro-lifers are only going to continue becoming more and more authoritarian and emboldened. We need to be unafraid to challenge the stigma that is the implicit basis for these police raids and anti-suicide laws in general.

Follow @existentialgoof on Twitter (if you are on that platform) and retweet #SuicidePreventionIsSlavery.

 

[AshClouds]

You're right.

It's true that I could put in the hard work required to get on my own two feet too, to be independent and free of his control; but I have a brain that fights against my desires and goals more often than not, and I'm afraid that I simply cannot see my way out of this mess, not this time, especially considering my lack of a strong support system.

I got myself into this fiasco; I'll get myself out.

But it's okay, really. I am feeling much more peaceful today. I've lived such a beautiful (though wearisome) life. I've loved and been loved, so fully. I have had the pleasure of knowing some of the most exquisite beings in this world, and I hold them in my heart, now and always. I hope that the ones I'll soon be leaving behind will understand that, only after abundant deliberation, will I have arrived at my decision to move onward into the unknown. I have never taken such a thing lightly.

I don't believe in an afterlife, not really; but I'm finding comfort in entertaining the possibility of one anyway. (Whatever helps, right?) I mean, how lovely would it be to see all of the beautiful souls again and (hopefully) under more salubrious conditions.. ❤

[I wrote the above a few days ago but forgot to post it, and I've only just noticed. I'll go ahead and post it now, I suppose.]

I know what its like to have a brain that forces you to do the opposite of everything you need to do. I had to deal with it since I was a child, and I still have to deal with it everyday, even today as an adult.
I have found ways to fight the urge to do things that would not improve and worsen my situation, it took me a very long time though. Although I still end up sabotaging myself at times, but not as much as I have before.

You're welcome to message me if you want. It'd be nice to hear from you.