Story My Thanatophobia finally died down

[azrael-]

And it might finally allow me to ctb.
Severe thanatophobia is something I've always had to deal with, much before any suicidal ideation crossed my mind.
Lately I've figured out that deep down, it was mostly tied to the fear of dying before accomplishing anything worthwhile, to realise that I had to finally give up on accomplishing anything.
Just like that the Thanatophobia more or less disappeared.
I've lurked for years but last week I finally ordered SN and I can't fucking wait, in the past just thinking a bit too intensely about suicide triggered massive amount of thanatophobia related anxiety, now its just.. gone.

 

[blackbeauty]

I never knew about thanatophobia, thanks for shining some light on it. Seems like you did a lot of soul-searching to get to this point.

 

[azrael-]

I never knew about thanatophobia, thanks for shining some light on it. Seems like you did a lot of soul-searching to get to this point.

Thank you for the kind words.
I think it's slightly different for everyone, for me I had always thought that it was simply a primal fear of the unkown, but it seems now that it had much more to do with how poorly I perceived myself.
Which seems paradoxical at first glance, you'd think that I would more readily embrace death but I suppose there was still hope to turn things around and I was terrified of dying before I could better myself.
Fully realising that I would never be satisfied with the little I can accomplish and accepting it... It hurt a lot but in the end it got rid of my Thanatophobia.

 

[blackbeauty]

That's pretty interesting, I think this has given me a little bit of insight as to why we feel compelled to have a bucket list of things to do before we die