Help My Suicide Note to My Children

[Ob La Dee]

Just felt the need to share this. Any suggestions would be most welcome.

My Dear Kids,

I don't even know where to begin. As I sit here trying to work up the nerve to end my life there are so many things I need to say, yet I don't know how to explain myself. I live with a lot of guilt over the mistakes I have made, and I have made many of them. It all starts with Fioran and ends with your grandmother.


I was 23 years old when I met Fioran. I brought him into the situation way too soon and I should have known better. Age is no excuse. There were red flags all along that I just didn't pay attention to. By the time I realized what was going on I was already too afraid of him to make a move. He was abusive and controlling. I know you guys lived in fear of him and so did I. He was a sonofabitch and I should have left him 6 months after I met him. V, S & E, I am so sorry for ruining your childhoods. I wish there was something I could do or say to take the pain away but there isnt. It's the biggest regret of my life. I am sorry.


H and H, you had a father who left a lot to be desired. He wasn't abusive to you guys, but he disappeared on you when you weren't old enough to understand what was going on or have it explained to you. I also take responsibility for some of your unhappiness and demons. I wish I had been a stronger person and a better mother. I wish I had set an example for you instead of you guys setting one for me. I am sorry.


I am also sorry for not looking after your grandmother properly. I spent way too much time in my room. I regret that and I have regretted it since she died. It haunts me. I started asking your aunt and uncle for help around that time, an aide would have been a great help for me, but they always refused saying it was too expensive. However I did not charge $9000 to her credit cards. This I can swear to you, it was closer to $1500 and I paid her every penny with the exception of a phone she bought me for Christmas. Its important that you know this.


I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I just want all of you to understand that I am a tortured soul and I just can't take it anymore. I can't go on like this. It's all too much for me. Please forgive me for all my mistakes. I know I couldn't make it up to you in life, but I will be watching over all of you from the other side. I'll make whatever amends I need to make to my parents.


V, I am so sorry for ruining your childhood. All three of you suffered at the hands of that bastard, but you bore the brunt of it. If I could have gone back and done things over again differently I would have done so in a heartbeat. I'm sorry you paid the price for my lack of courage.


S, you are and have always been my hero. Don't you dare feel an ounce of guilt over this. You did everything you possibly could for me, you went way beyond the call of duty and have been a wonderful daughter.


E, I wish we could have been closer. The physical distance between us shouldn't have mattered, I should have made more of an effort to reach out to you and for that I am sorry.


H, you are smarter than you give yourself credit for. Please set some goals for yourself, you can achieve anything your heart desires. I will be rooting for you from the other side.


H, you are and will always be my baby. Strum your guitar, read your books, never lose your childlike innocence. You are my shiny star.


There is something more beyond our little lives, I truly believe this and I hope you do too. If I can give each of you a sign I will try to do it. Maybe a song will come on the radio and it'll remind you of me. At that time I will be with you, I promise I will. No distance can separate a mother from her children the connection is just too strong. I am sorry. I love you to the moon and back.


Love
Mom


P. S. Please listen to a song called How We Operate by Gomez. If you look up "how we operate lyrics" on YouTube you'll find the video I would like you to watch. Here is the link: https://youtu.be/e59f74dwbkg

 

[toforigivelife]

Beautiful note, but it may leave your kids with even more anger and rage at Fioran.

I'm not doubting anything you said about Fioran but you might be leaving the impression that if not for him you wouldn't be committing suicide and that will compound their feelings of sadness and create a lot of rage.

Also, your apologies to your children, I know that these apologies are from your heart, might leave them with guilt feelings. As if there was more that they could have done to prevent your death.

I know you're sorry to be leaving them and you didn't intend the apologies to sound this way but they might think, "No, Mom, we WERE close!" and then wonder if something they did contributed to your death.

The part about your mother and the money. They'll be left feeling badly for believing anything about that situation and, again, feel like this is the reason your ending your life.

You may want to simplify your note.

Explain that severe depression and suicidal feelings got the better of you and strongly, strongly emphasize that this is no one's fault. That really has to be emphasized. And explain that you're just not well enough to go on.

The part about life going on is good. My own personal experiences point to you going to a better place so it's good to let them know you will be at peace.

Tell them that you'll be at peace, that you love them all, you don't want to hurt them with your decision and encourage them to go on and live the best possible life that they can live.

I'm not trying to encourage you to ctb but I hope I've been helpful.

 

[motel rooms]

Wow, your kids went through a lot of shit. Life is sickening.

 

[Bullit]

The ride,it seems,has just begun!

 

[Ob La Dee]

Beautiful note, but it may leave your kids with even more anger and rage at Fioran.

I'm not doubting anything you said about Fioran but you might be leaving the impression that if not for him you wouldn't be committing suicide and that will compound their feelings of sadness and create a lot of rage.

Also, your apologies to your children, I know that these apologies are from your heart, might leave them with guilt feelings. As if there was more that they could have done to prevent your death.

I know you're sorry to be leaving them and you didn't intend the apologies to sound this way but they might think, "No, Mom, we WERE close!" and then wonder if something they did contributed to your death.

The part about your mother and the money. They'll be left feeling badly for believing anything about that situation and, again, feel like this is the reason your ending your life.

You may want to simplify your note.

Explain that severe depression and suicidal feelings got the better of you and strongly, strongly emphasize that this is no one's fault. That really has to be emphasized. And explain that you're just not well enough to go on.

The part about life going on is good. My own personal experiences point to you going to a better place so it's good to let them know you will be at peace.

Tell them that you'll be at peace, that you love them all, you don't want to hurt them with your decision and encourage them to go on and live the best possible life that they can live.

I'm not trying to encourage you to ctb but I hope I've been helpful.

Thanks for your well thought-out reply. I will certainly take your advice into account and edit my note.

Wow, your kids went through a lot of shit. Life is sickening.

Yeah they sure did and alot of it was my fault.

 

[motel rooms]

Beautiful note, but it may leave your kids with even more anger and rage at Fioran.

And that would be wrong because... ?

 

[Ob La Dee]

And that would be wrong because... ?

For the record, Fioran is dead now. Lol.
But I understand where @toforigivelife is coming from. I'm trying to leave them with the least amount of rage possible under these difficult circumstances.

 

[toforigivelife]

And that would be wrong because... ?

I should've clarified that more.

imjustdone I hope you read this.

I was wondering if they would be unable to confront Fioran about his treatment of their mother. If they are unable to confront him there's nothing quite like a sense of rage mixed with a sense of helplessness to do anything about it.

If imjustdone is confident that her kids will deal with Fioran in a way that's not detrimental to them then, yes, touch upon the topic.

 

[Lost Magic]

I kinda agree with what toForgiveLife said. It is a lovely letter. It just needs to be simplified, with less guilt and more to let them know that there is nothing that could have been done to change things. But it is your call at the end of the day and I wish you well on your journey.

 

[motel rooms]

I was wondering if they would be unable to confront Fioran about his treatment of their mother. If they are unable to confront him there's nothing quite like a sense of rage mixed with a sense of helplessness to do anything about it.

If imjustdone is confident that her kids will deal with Fioran in a way that's not detrimental to them then, yes, touch upon the topic.

I don't think there's a way for her to apologize to them without mentioning that abusive dead asshole.

 

[Lost Magic]

I don't think there's a way for her to apologize to them without mentioning that abusive dead asshole.

I guess you have a point.

 

[Mondo]

I'm sorry you don't feel you can say these things while your alive

 

[toforigivelife]

I don't think there's a way for her to apologize to them without mentioning that abusive dead asshole.

Maybe find a different way to apologize.

Acknowledge he was a mistake, say I'm sorry but emphasize that he was a miserable bastard who lived a miserable life.

The acknowledgement and apology may help but make it clear that he was an abusive asshole who lived an abusive asshole life, he's gone and encourage them to heal, to not let him affect their lives anymore, to do their best to leave him in the past where he belongs and to do what they need to do to minimize and overcome the damage he caused and to make healthy choices as far as their own emotional health.

That's what's important.

 

[motel rooms]

encourage them to heal, to not let him affect their lives anymore, to do their best to leave him in the past where he belongs and to do what they need to do to minimize and overcome the damage he caused and to make healthy choices as far as their own emotional health.

He abused them 20-30 years ago. If they haven't overcome it yet, they probably never will.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think your note is beautifully written. Living is painful, and I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. I wish you peace if this is your decision.

 

[toforigivelife]

I'm sorry you don't feel you can say these things while your alive

There's no easy or simple way to deal with this.

imjustdone is to the point where she feels like she cannot go on anymore. I don't know if there's an ideal way to handle this. When you're so drained, you can only do the best you can do.

He abused them 20-30 years ago. If they haven't overcome it yet, they probably never will.

I'm sure that notion really is a comfort to imjustdone.

Are you trying to go after imjustdone over a mistake that was made 20 or 30 years ago? A mistake thay she would correct or undo in a nanosecond if she could but can't?

Even if imjustdone was suddenly overflowing with a zest for life and lived for 100 more years her adult children still have to take their own steps to try and heal old wounds.

I get the feeling that imjustdone would heal every wound and trauma her kids have dealt with but she cannot do everything for them.

Look at all of the suicidal people on here who have loving, caring parents and who are still determined to cbt. As much as they would like to, as much as they love their kids, parents can't take care of everything for them.

 

[toforigivelife]

He abused them 20-30 years ago. If they haven't overcome it yet, they probably never will.

If given the chance we all would go back in time and do things differently.

Myself included.

I'm sure there are a lot of people on SS who grab the opportunity to correct past mistakes.

 

[Lost Magic]

If given the chance we all would go back in time and do things differently.

Myself included.

I'm sure there are a lot of people on SS who grab the opportunity to correct past mistakes.

Yeah, but hindsight is no good to us now and a lot of time people blame themselves for nothing. Society has already fucked us with its stupid rules and standards that not many can possibly live up to.

 

[toforigivelife]

Yeah, but hindsight is no good to us now and a lot of time people blame themselves for nothing. Society has already fucked us with its stupid rules and standards that not many can possibly live up to.

Like Robin Williams said, we only realize important things after it's too late.

 

[motel rooms]

I'm sure that notion really is a comfort to imjustdone.

Please don't think you're successfully comforting OP by using soothing therapy-speak...

Are you trying to go after imjustdone over a mistake that was made 20 or 30 years ago?

No. I know that she feels guilty & that she's fully aware there's nothing she can do about her past mistakes except apologize for making them

 

[Acopia]

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

I don't think you should promise at the end. You're leaving and they will be alone. I know you want to say something nice and loving at the end.

I'm anti-kid. I hear what you are saying...and the way you love them...I just hope there aren't explosions of offspring from them. Life is fucking expensive and has the potential to be very painful as you can feel intensely.

 

[mossyfox]

I don't think you should point out one child being your shiny star or even your baby. The other kids will probably not appreciate that especially in the context of what your final words were to each of them. I would rethink your final words to each of them and try to even them out a bit and leave a good sentence in each of their their paragraphs for them to remember. One kid is getting orders to make better use of his life, one kid is being fawned over, one kid is getting a flimsy apology for you not reaching out more (I'm sure they will read that as a huge understatement/oversimplification), S is being singled out as a wonderful daughter who helped you out implying the others didn't and V just gets a vague apology for ruining her childhood.

If you are going to be detailed, write the note from your children's perspective and not yours and write nicer final words for them to remember how much you loved them. I'm reading your current note from the perspective of a child with a mother who really fucked things up and fucked up my childhood. My mother is not suicidal and attempted only recently to try to apologize from her perspective and this letter makes me think of that. I'm almost positive that your children do not view these situations the same as you.

The best and sweetest option would be to just write about yourself and your struggle with suicidal thoughts and how much you love them and it's not their fault. I find it highly unlikely that your 'explanations' will do anything but cause anger and tears and resentment beyond the grave because they won't be able to respond to your interpretation of events and have closure.
Also, I don't like the P.S. if my mom put that in her suicide note it would fucking piss me off as self centered as fuck and negate any apologies she was attempting to make in the entire letter before it. Just my feelings.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

Nice well-rounded letter. I think it covers what you are feeling sufficiently. My only advice is to give it a last once over when you are ready to go, just to make sure you are not forgetting anything that may be important to you.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

I don't think you should point out one child being your shiny star or even your baby. The other kids will probably not appreciate that especially in the context of what your final words were to each of them. I would rethink your final words to each of them and try to even them out a bit and leave a good sentence in each of their their paragraphs for them to remember. One kid is getting orders to make better use of his life, one kid is being fawned over, one kid is getting a flimsy apology for you not reaching out more (I'm sure they will read that as a huge understatement/oversimplification), S is being singled out as a wonderful daughter who helped you out implying the others didn't and V just gets a vague apology for ruining her childhood.

If you are going to be detailed, write the note from your children's perspective and not yours and write nicer final words for them to remember how much you loved them. I'm reading your current note from the perspective of a child with a mother who really fucked things up and fucked up my childhood. My mother is not suicidal and attempted only recently to try to apologize from her perspective and this letter makes me think of that. I'm almost positive that your children do not view these situations the same as you.

The best and sweetest option would be to just write about yourself and your struggle with suicidal thoughts and how much you love them and it's not their fault. I find it highly unlikely that your 'explanations' will do anything but cause anger and tears and resentment beyond the grave because they won't be able to respond to your interpretation of events and have closure.
Also, I don't like the P.S. if my mom put that in her suicide note it would fucking piss me off as self centered as fuck and negate any apologies she was attempting to make in the entire letter before it. Just my feelings.

I think it's cool how indepth you read and analyzed it. I was feeling this way too...but didn't compute enough to be critical. I hope she edits it. The bits to each kid are not good. Referring to just one as 'her baby' won't get a good reaction from the others. So man...so much struggles.

 

[mossyfox]

Yea, thinking about it more I really think if it was my mom, all I would want to read from her is no apologies and just 'remember that I love you' and retell a couple of genuine good family memories. I would want to feel sad my mom is gone because of the good times but not guilty that I'm a little relieved because of all of the BS from the bad times. I would want to remember I had a mom who loved me and not be reminded of the bad stuff that we disagreed on how it all went down and how it should be properly apologized for. That's it.

 

[Cant go back]

There are lots of good comments here.
All I want to say is that no matter how you frame it, guilt will happen it's inevitable if they love you.

 

[motel rooms]

Yea, thinking about it more I really think if it was my mom, all I would want to read from her is no apologies and just 'remember that I love you' and retell a couple of genuine good family memories. I would want to feel sad my mom is gone because of the good times but not guilty that I'm a little relieved because of all of the BS from the bad times. I would want to remember I had a mom who loved me and not be reminded of the bad stuff that we disagreed on how it all went down and how it should be properly apologized for.

It really is quite silly to think that a suicide note can determine exactly what the kids will & won't feel/remember...

All I want to say is that no matter how you frame it, guilt will happen it's inevitable if they love you.

Exactly.

 

[toforigivelife]

It really is quite silly to think that a suicide note can determine exactly what the kids will & won't feel/remember...



Exactly.

Leave without explanation and let everyone spend the rest of their lives trying to pinpoint your reasons for catching the bus?

Or at least try to explain why you've decided to end your suffering?

Maybe leaving a note won't make this a painless process.

But an explanation of your reasons for leaving might at least help to prevent years of those you love agonizing over whether or not they could've done something to prevent it.

If a person chooses to leave a note the note needs to handled very carefully. A lot of thought needs to go into your very thorough of how it's no one's fault your mental health challenges, severe depression and suicidal feelings have robbed you of having any quality of life for too long.

 

[motel rooms]

Leave without explanation and let everyone spend the rest of their lives trying to pinpoint your reasons for catching the bus?

I never suggested that. I was replying to mossyfox's comment -

"Yea, thinking about it more I really think if it was my mom, all I would want to read from her is no apologies and just 'remember that I love you' and retell a couple of genuine good family memories. I would want to feel sad my mom is gone because of the good times but not guilty that I'm a little relieved because of all of the BS from the bad times. I would want to remember I had a mom who loved me and not be reminded of the bad stuff that we disagreed on how it all went down and how it should be properly apologized for."

It really is quite silly to think that a suicide note can determine exactly what the kids will & won't feel/remember...