my suicidal ideation was ignored as a child

[owarikigan]

starting around 8 years old something traumatizing happened (miniscule in reality, but weighed heavy on me) and i found myself at the end of a school day crying in front of everyone loudly proclaiming that i should die and don't deserve to live etc etc. embarrassing myself in the process. naturally i just got weird looks and one of the teachers told my mom to which she just got extremely pissed off at me and told me not to say anything like it ever again ; akin to her reaction to me straight up telling her i was depressed without knowing what it meant, "don't repeat that word at school".

five years later in middle school was my lowest point, i had an outwardly edgy phase and found comfort in drawing violent vent artworks. one day she found one of them, somehow outside of my room, telling me "it looked like a girl hanging" it very obviously was. i just said "it's fine" something akin to that and she didnt say anything else.

just a few months ago i forgot to leave my room without a long sleeve and she grabbed my arm and pointed at a raised self harm scar asking what it was. obviously i panicked until she said "did you burn yourself" i was just like sure man lets go with that. "yeah i guess i dunno."

i just can't imagine being this tone deaf though i'm not surprised. both parents can't accept that they have a disabled, abused and neglected offspring that they had utterly failed and don't want to waste the resources getting me any help so they're fine throwing me out there with nothing expecting me to function like the other cogs. i've just been rotting in the same prison of a bedroom for 6 years and i don't know what i'm going to do or what i've been doing, all i know is i feel like i'm just on a countdown til i die

 

[vaas]

So sad to hear
I hope you find ur peace

 

[violetforever]

u and ur parents sound so similar to me and my family. i dont have advice being in the same situation myself, i just know how it feels

 

[owarikigan]

honestly sometimes i feel like my only hope if not death is hurting myself so horribly my parents are forced to hospitalize me because it feels like the only way they'll take me seriously and then i can just have my escape in a psych ward for however long i need.

my only worry are the reports of how they treat eating disordered patients. i have arfid and endured forcefeeding trauma and it would be hell to relive or have to go through the iv feeding i've also read about because they can't accommodate my tastes even if i'd rather starve (i wouldn't expect them to). they're also horribly ableist and constantly talk down to me like "if you're put in a hospital it's on your record and will ruin your reputation forever so i'm not doing that" at the cost of having 0 therapy medication etc. and then act surprised or mad when i'm visibly mentally ill or visibly suicidal because i've just stopped caring
"reputation" is such funny wording here also. what reputation. i'm literally only doing college to appease them and i'm just going to get by with the easiest most basic shit because i don't have any aspirations or will. the only response i get is "well you have to!!" fuck that. you don't even offer me the chance to find a will to live

 

[Afterglow]

I relate to a lot of what you wrote.

When I was a kid my problems were mostly ignored too. Depression, shitty grades in school, even a suicide attempt when I was young. None of it was really taken seriously. The only time I seemed to get attention was when it was time to be mentally, emotionally, or physically abused.

I remember being seriously sick with pneumonia once and having to lay there for days on end begging to go to the hospital, and I was only taken to a doctor when I was literally gasping for air between coughing fits. I also had ingrown toenails for years that made walking painful, and it took six years of me asking my parents and complaining about how much it hurt before they even let a doctor take a look at them.

Growing up like that can make the world feel like a very lonely place. It makes it difficult to connect, trust, and interact with people.

It makes sense you were greatly affected by it. Anyone would be.