Good Morning, Good Afternoon or Good Evening everyone.
My story begins where my memory starts around age 7. My biological parents were married and divorced twice. My father was physically and sexually abusive. (Sexually to my sister and physically to myself I have no recollection of him assaulting me sexually.) My mother wasn't much better. She struggled with her own demons.
After her and my dad split the second time, it was a few years of hell with her and although both my sister and I endured verbal, emotional and at this time physical abuse it was in different forms. Either way she was very cold, unloving, and wasn't shy about telling my sister she scheduled an abortion appointment for her but she was late to it so it never happened. Lots of my life I struggled with food insecurity. At times it locked and inaccessible. We weren't provided money for lunches at schools. Additionally my sister and I would pee on towels out of fear of leaving the room and being beaten. We were not permitted for any reason to leave our bedrooms after bedtime. A few years into this she had met my "Dad" who is the step father figure who raised me. When he came into my life I thought I had finally had someone with my best interest at heart. He would always try to mediate with my mothers hostility. As an example of how little love she provided to us growing up, let me tell you her response to a question I asked her when she got home from work one evening. The question is as follows:
Why do you love your cats more than your children?
The response was simple: Because they give me no grief and don't talk back.
My soul as much as my heart, mind, and body withered. This is just one of many examples I could list.
I had no friends growing up because we moved almost yearly. I was very ostracized by my family as a child and young adult. Fast forward to 2019 and this is the year my mother died. She took her own life via a single gunshot wound up through her chin. After my mothers passing, I learned my "Dad" (Stepdad) had been spreading lies and rumors about me the entire duration he was in my life. He would tell other family members and friends that they shouldn't be around me. He would tell them I'm a drug addict, overly promiscuous, and that I'm all around just trouble to allow into your life.
These words caused no one to want to associate with me even in my own family. It wasn't until after my mothers passing we all learned of this because we finally spoke to each other and realized we were all fed lies about each other. I was told they never wanted me around because I wasn't Christian, however he would tell anyone that would listen that if they invited me over for a family gathering I'd make false rape allegations against their husbands, sons, and male family members.
My father died in 2022 also of suicide after murdering his then roommate.
I was effectively orphaned at 26. I'm currently 27.
At the time of his death, I was homeless and living out of my car. I live in an area that gets snow in the winter and I spent a total of 14 months homeless. (Finally no longer homeless but still financially struggling.)
I grew up so alone and feeling unloved by everyone and everything.
I've had many failed love attempts.
I've only had two boyfriends and neither of them ever actually loved me. No one has loved me for that matter.
I lost my virginity to what I realize many years later was rape. It was my sisters fiancé. I was 16 and she suggested it. She was even in the room and I was horrified. 6 months later he died of a drug overdose. I still to this day have not been able to tell my sister how this has effected me.
On top of that, I've survived three other sexual assaults by three separate men at three different points in my life.
I spent two years being played by my second boyfriend who was married and would only talk to me every 3 days if I got lucky. Turns out he only ever wanted a second wife and waited two years to let me in on that.
I have a current love interest but I'm so uncertain he genuinely cares. We're not an item but I want to be, and I feel like I've already failed at that as well.
I've survived 4 suicide attempts previously. My last being on my birthday in 2020.
My birthday is this month on the 30th. I hope to have the strength to be gone by then.
Cutting no longer even takes the edge off anymore.
I just feel like everything about my life has been so unfulfilling, unenjoyable, and unimaginably painful. I have BPD, PTSD, SEVERE anxiety and depression, and I simply don't know how much longer I can exist. I've survived this long but I've never been able to live.
My story begins where my memory starts around age 7. My biological parents were married and divorced twice. My father was physically and sexually abusive. (Sexually to my sister and physically to myself I have no recollection of him assaulting me sexually.) My mother wasn't much better. She struggled with her own demons.
After her and my dad split the second time, it was a few years of hell with her and although both my sister and I endured verbal, emotional and at this time physical abuse it was in different forms. Either way she was very cold, unloving, and wasn't shy about telling my sister she scheduled an abortion appointment for her but she was late to it so it never happened. Lots of my life I struggled with food insecurity. At times it locked and inaccessible. We weren't provided money for lunches at schools. Additionally my sister and I would pee on towels out of fear of leaving the room and being beaten. We were not permitted for any reason to leave our bedrooms after bedtime. A few years into this she had met my "Dad" who is the step father figure who raised me. When he came into my life I thought I had finally had someone with my best interest at heart. He would always try to mediate with my mothers hostility. As an example of how little love she provided to us growing up, let me tell you her response to a question I asked her when she got home from work one evening. The question is as follows:
Why do you love your cats more than your children?
The response was simple: Because they give me no grief and don't talk back.
My soul as much as my heart, mind, and body withered. This is just one of many examples I could list.
I had no friends growing up because we moved almost yearly. I was very ostracized by my family as a child and young adult. Fast forward to 2019 and this is the year my mother died. She took her own life via a single gunshot wound up through her chin. After my mothers passing, I learned my "Dad" (Stepdad) had been spreading lies and rumors about me the entire duration he was in my life. He would tell other family members and friends that they shouldn't be around me. He would tell them I'm a drug addict, overly promiscuous, and that I'm all around just trouble to allow into your life.
These words caused no one to want to associate with me even in my own family. It wasn't until after my mothers passing we all learned of this because we finally spoke to each other and realized we were all fed lies about each other. I was told they never wanted me around because I wasn't Christian, however he would tell anyone that would listen that if they invited me over for a family gathering I'd make false rape allegations against their husbands, sons, and male family members.
My father died in 2022 also of suicide after murdering his then roommate.
I was effectively orphaned at 26. I'm currently 27.
At the time of his death, I was homeless and living out of my car. I live in an area that gets snow in the winter and I spent a total of 14 months homeless. (Finally no longer homeless but still financially struggling.)
I grew up so alone and feeling unloved by everyone and everything.
I've had many failed love attempts.
I've only had two boyfriends and neither of them ever actually loved me. No one has loved me for that matter.
I lost my virginity to what I realize many years later was rape. It was my sisters fiancé. I was 16 and she suggested it. She was even in the room and I was horrified. 6 months later he died of a drug overdose. I still to this day have not been able to tell my sister how this has effected me.
On top of that, I've survived three other sexual assaults by three separate men at three different points in my life.
I spent two years being played by my second boyfriend who was married and would only talk to me every 3 days if I got lucky. Turns out he only ever wanted a second wife and waited two years to let me in on that.
I have a current love interest but I'm so uncertain he genuinely cares. We're not an item but I want to be, and I feel like I've already failed at that as well.
I've survived 4 suicide attempts previously. My last being on my birthday in 2020.
My birthday is this month on the 30th. I hope to have the strength to be gone by then.
Cutting no longer even takes the edge off anymore.
I just feel like everything about my life has been so unfulfilling, unenjoyable, and unimaginably painful. I have BPD, PTSD, SEVERE anxiety and depression, and I simply don't know how much longer I can exist. I've survived this long but I've never been able to live.
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