My Story, what's yours ?

[BreakTheCycle]

Here's my story. It's going to be a long post. So thanks for reading in advance.

I'm a curious person so feel free to share your story here. Open up as much as u wish. I'm going to open up as much as I can. A couple of details won't fit in here since I've experienced so much for my actually still pretty young age.

I turned 23 at 8. August, I am a male from germany and suicidial since early childhood. There's just too much shit that happened in my life. I can't remember a longer period of being happy than a week or so. Depression always came back. Always hitted me hard. But let me begin.



It started with me being a weird child. I always lived in my own world. Never liked being around other people since there was a world just for myself with endless potential and endless fantasy in my own head.

I got in school at the age of 5. 1 year prior since it`s normal to go in school at the age of 6 in my country. I've never liked school. I've already been able to read and write when I got in first class. So school has been very boring for me.

In second class I made a test and they found out that I'm a gifted child. IQ around 130 with some very high points in comprehension with 145 points and memory with 143 points. So in school I've always just said the answers right away even another child was supposed to give the answer. It was hard for me to shut up and at the same time school was hell since the stuff we have been going through was way too easy for me.

(1)And here also begins my first trauma.

My mom started to beat the shit out of me. Every single day violence and screaming. She destroyed all my school notes and I had to sit there and write them all new for hours and hours. It's been torture for a child like me that wanted to be outside and play in it's own world. She also devasted my room entirely and I had to clean it. I fit wasn't clean enough she would devastate it again and I had to clean from the beginning. All my Lego and stuff would be destroyed. It was hell with her. But she's mentally ill. She has panic attacks and depression. So when she would have 1 of her panic attacks I would sit there and hold her hand. I would be there for her. I would suppress all my own needs and be there for her. Something I do until today, for everyone.

In third class the other kids realised how weird I am. So as kids are the mobbing started. But not just the kids but the school principal as well. He did't liked how I behaved in class. With me not letting the other kids make their progress but take over the class with my pretty big knowledge for such a young age. It's been hell when an adult starts to bully you and always call your parents when his job would be to protect and support you. I didn't understand what was going on at this age. And it's hell when the kids at the same age see you as something different, as an outsider and start to discriminate.

So I had the decision to change the school or jump from third class in the fifth class. And the decision was to jump. So i got in a new class with kids that would be 2 years older than me. It worked out nice at the beginning because I finally had something to do. I was able to learn something new. I had to do something to make progress in class and math rly caught my attention. I loved it. But at the same time I wasn't good with my class mates. That's been beacause oft he difference in age and me not being a social person after all. So I've been in this class for 2 years and then the teachers changed. 2 of these new teachers talked to my parents about me not being a real part of the class because of my age and my general behaviour. They talked so long to my parents until they decided to get me downgraded in the class before. Worst decision. It started to become boring for me in the class that I've been and now I was supposed to do the same stuff again even tho the stuff that I've been doing before wasn't challenging at all.

At this point a wild journey started. I got expelled from this school and 3 others afterwards. It's been a rough time and much more shit happened but it would be too much to talk about every detail.



(2) My mom made my home to hell as I wrote before. But what about my dad ?

He was at the army. He wasn't much at home and when he was he also beated the shit out of me. Not as much as my mom, but still a lot. He's also one of these kind of persons that's not able to show emotions at all. No hugs, no nice words, no love at all. And when my dad went to Afghanistan in 2006 it become even worse for me, again. It doesn't matter how your parents are, as a kid u love them. You want their attention, you want them to see you and you want them to be proud of you. So him leaving to war was very hard form e. Even tho I've just been 8 years old i realised what was going. He would call every single day but there was this one time he didn't call for 3 days. He nearly died because the Taliban made an attack. During these days I didn't sleep. And I never slept again well afterwards. So this is my second trauma and at this point my suicidal fantasy started. I just spended way too much time thinking about death.



(3) Let's get to the worst part.

I've mentioned my parents and me being a weird child. They didn't know what to do with me and I can't blame them entirely. Even tho they took a huge part in me being who I am.

All this started in fifth grade.

I've been at a Judo sports club. One oft he trainers there was also a child psychologist. He realised me being a weird kid and my parents being overwhelmed with me. So he started to treat me in a special way. He supported me and since my parents have never rly been there for me I started to see him as a father figure. I've spend many years with him, sleeping in the same bed, playing video games with him and having a good time. Finally someone saw me for who I was. Someone supported me. Someone gave me the love that every child seeks.

Long story short. He was a pedophil piece of shit. He never raped me. At least something. But when we would sleep in the same bed he would always be the "big spoon" and would have his hand in my underpants. He tried to kiss me. He tried to jerk me off. It feels disgusting to even think about. It feels disgusting to be in my own body. Much more shit happened as well but once again it would be too much to talk about every detail.



After all this u can imagine that I haven't been able to lead a normal life. I wasn't meant to have a normal life from the very beginning but the traumas didn't help. So much more shit happened because of all this. Because of my Borderline personality Disorder. Because of my PTSD. Because of my maniac epsiodes. I took so many drugs. I've spend so much money for other people and shit no1 needs. I made many mistakes and I never used my high IQ. I feel like the biggest piece of shit out there and I can't help it. I blame myself for everything that happens around me. I even joined the army myself to understand why my dad would do such a thing. I could keep going like this for eternity. How much I hate myself. How I harm my self in many ways, not just the obvious cutting. How I just wanna be dead right here and now. But I won't. It's for the better. I already hitted rock bottom since my last attempt. I'm even too stupid to end my own life I guess.



The effects. Shown as a listing. The numbers are connected to the traumas I've experinced and which effect is connected to each trauma.

(1)-I've never learned what love means

-I can't build connections to others

-If something isn't perfect, it's worthless for me

-self hatred

-self harm

-I sacrifice myself for others, entirely. If I don'tc I feel worthless

-maybe much more

(2)-I can't sleep. Sometimes I'm awake for 72 hours (no drugs involved)

-suicidal thoughts

-I can't deal with war under any circumstance. It triggers me af

-maybe more

(3)-I can't trust any1. Not after years of friendship, not in relationships.

-I feel disgusted by my own body

-I can't have sex. Always panic attacks. (With MDMA it kinda works, but it still feels weird)

-addicted to masturbation for a very long time with very disgusting fantasys (at least no pedo fantasys)

-even more self hatred

-and so much more

So yeah that's been my story. Many details haven't been in here but it's already a long post. I've never shared so much. The therpists I've been talking to just know fragments.



I'll leave all this behind in a couple of days. I'm going on a journey just my backpack and myself. I'm having fentanyl with me so I can ctb any time I want to. Life isn't worth living with all these thoughts and traumas. So thanks to all of u here. U spended me a coping mechanism after my last attempt and u spended many nice words. Maybe I come back here during my journey or say goodbye before my ctb.



So once again thanks for reading and I would love to read your story since I'm a curious person.

 

[eduardo]

I am so sorry for you. I wish you peace and and release from all of these problems.

 

[Peel_the_Banana]

I'm sorry that this happened to you. I can relate to many parts of your story.

I really wish the best for you. I wish I could tell you things get better but often time those who suffer this kind of trauma spend a lifetime trying to catch up from a social and psychological developmental perspective and it just never happens. Its especially worse when your intelligence doesn't match your social development. It can stunt your ability to make connections and feel like a productive member of society.

I just hope you can enjoy your backpacking adventures. Sometimes nature is the only place one can find peace and solace; but even that is often temporary.

Where are you headed?

 

[Mr2005]

It doesn't matter what my story is. You're to be commented for getting that out your system but I can't be arsed and I doubt you really want me to

 

[BreakTheCycle]

I'm sorry that this happened to you. I can relate to many parts of your story.

I really wish the best for you. I wish I could tell you things get better but often time those who suffer this kind of trauma spend a lifetime trying to catch up from a social and psychological developmental perspective and it just never happens. Its especially worse when your intelligence doesn't match your social development. It can stunt your ability to make connections and feel like a productive member of society.

I just hope you can enjoy your backpacking adventures. Sometimes nature is the only place one can find peace and solace; but even that is often temporary.

Where are you headed?

Im heading south cause of the upcoming winter. Yeah nature and being alone is actually the best for me. i've always liked hiking alone.

It doesn't matter what my story is. You're to be commented for getting that out your system but I can't be arsed and I doubt you really want me to

I always wanna hear storys of other people. I dont know why but it is how it is. I often go towards homeless offer them food, beer or whatever they need and listen to their story. And your comment is a little passive aggressive but what ever. You could even call via discord or smth. and tell me your entire story, so yes i would want u to.

 

[Mr2005]

Im heading south cause of the upcoming winter. Yeah nature and being alone is actually the best for me. i've always liked hiking alone.

I always wanna hear storys of other people. I dont know why but it is how it is. I often go towards homeless offer them food, beer or whatever they need and listen to their story. And your comment is a little passive aggressive but what ever

I'm just pissed off and a nervous wreck. Nothing personal. I've written about it several times, I'd love it if it changed anything but it doesn't

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

I hope you find the peace you deserve pal

 

[BreakTheCycle]

I'm just pissed off and a nervous wreck. Nothing personal. I've written about it several times, I'd love it if it changed anything but it doesn't

For me it doesn't change anything either. I've talked about anything with someone. No1 knows everything but many people small parts. Did it help to talk ? I don't know. While being in psych ward I've been talking with some1 there during a moment when everything has been too much and since I've stolen a knife I was pretty close to self harm. But after the talk i didn't self harm at least. So it doesn't change anything but for the moment it might help. I wish u much strength. It seems u deal with shit that is as hard as mine maybe worse. (I don't like to compare but i don't know how to say it in another way)

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Of course bro, not much of a story though.

I'm not sure how my childhood was, I can't remember anything without spinning it or selectively focusing. I think it was your average "high functioning" () autistic childhood for all intents and purposes.

Then puberty came along; made me very stiff, self-conscious and uncomfortable (this was my literal nickname at one point, uncomfortable). I had a bunch (maybe five or six) of crushes on girls from ages 12 to 17, they were literally all interested in me back (bias alert) but I either never made a move despite getting IOIs or flat-out rejected them. Imagine rejecting girls you spend hours a day thinking about, "much mental health, very wow".

I also decided early on to become an engineer, think I was 13. That was in constant play until age 18 or so.

At age 17 the lack of romance started to have its first symptoms. I didn't know the cause then but I felt extremely apathetic and became passively suicidal. I stopped studying hard, did the bare minimum I had to do in order to become an engineer.

At 18 it was time to go become an engineer, but I was stopped by extreme sadness/hysteria combined with active suicidality.

Enter: "mEdiCaTIoN".

I knew from the start that meds and therapy would not work, but since I was not diagnosed I was treated as your average depressive and had no reason to not go with whatever "hElP" was available. So several years (three or something, idk, maybe five) of various medications and therapies. To no avail, of course.

Certain actions taken while on heavy and unnecessary medication were very unfortunate and may come back to haunt me in the future.

I also tried out some simple jobs after failed tech school and was too autistic + unhinged to make those work longer than a month. My resume is so bad that literally no one will hire me.

So, that probably covers the origins of GenesAndEnvironment. And how am I doing now?

I am becoming more and more mentally stable every month as the last traces of medications vanish along with maturation and an arsenal of measures.

I plan to end my life as soon as I have a good method. This will probably take years.

 

[BreakTheCycle]

I am becoming more and more mentally stable every month as the last traces of medications vanish along with maturation and an arsenal of measures.

But u still wanna find a good method ?
Thx for sharing. I wish u much luck and strength.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

But u still wanna find a good method ?
Thx for sharing. I wish u much luck and strength.

Of course, the only purpose of mental stability is to kill myself better.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not have much of a story, my life is not worth knowing about, if you can even call it a life. I think existence would be a better term to describe what I go through. For the most part my life has just been not wanting to exist. I should never have been born. I look forward to the day where I can be free from this life and finally get the peace I deserve. Peace is a thing that does not exist in this life.
I'm sorry you are suffering so much, and have been through all that. Life can be so cruel. I wish you well.