I don't know where to start really its just like yeah, my life was always a fight it has been like that since i was 4 years old or even earlier I am now 30 enby and living i a flat which is at least for me a bit to small. I could now start to talk about my abusive stepdad or my emotionally distant dad, about my accident were i nearly died when i was 10 years old about the toxic relationships i have been in and about a realization that i had a few years ago where i thought everything will be better now and it was i had a few very very good years I was happy I had an fulfilling life was in an fulfilling relationship. But what does it really matter i am on a point my life where i am not hungry anymore about new experiences even if am 30 i just have the feeling its enough now its okay to get to rest and sleep forever. I never had a feeling like that the most of the time my suicidal thoughts were a bit like a breeze of wind they came and they disappeared mostly it was like yeah i would really like to hang myself now and that was it, i never thought I would really do it they were just like feelings. But since a few month that changed at first i had a hard time losing my job and my relationship i was at a very dark place for some month i was really distressed but i had a feeling that the life wants me to die i cant explain that but it felt like that I was predestined to come to this spot I usually don't believe in spiritual stuff or so or god but that feeling grew in me it grabbed me and pulled me to it. And now well now I invest my time in thinking about suicide how to do it not just thoughts I started checking options and i don't even feel sad or so I don't feel really depressed at least its different from the time I felt depressed. But i don't see light i just think i simply had enough. I still do things like looking for a new job and maybe that might help to ignore this feeling but I got the idea that its something that now here to stay that will never leave me till I die.
I would really appreciate a nice chat with anynone
I would really appreciate a nice chat with anynone
