FadingSnowFake
Enlightened
- Nov 25, 2024
- 1,822
Hello everyone,
I never thought I would say goodbye, unless to ctb. And this isn't goodbye as I'm not leaving SaSu, just wanted to say something.
Up until March 30th, I thought it was impossible to ever get out of the darkness. If I did somehow, I still wanted to be here for everyone as you have for me. I had been spiralling badly up to where I believe I had a panic attack. I thought I was going to die which I know is usual with an attack. I also had a stabbing pain in my side and didn't feel well. I believe I experienced the death angel's presence. I know this sounds strange. This was the second time I had this kind of visit.
The first time was in 2023 when my liver couldn't take my drinking anymore. I promised to stop and haven't had a drop since. I became suicidal in 2024 when my person decided to leave. He was depressed and suicidal and I didn't understand. I do now and I also know it's a daily struggle. We were both in this dark place at different times and even though it seems impossible, I know there is still hope.
With this last visit, I was given a choice. I had to promise to stop what I was doing on this path to ctb. I chose life and love and understood it's the last chance to not mess up again. The stabbing pain was gone the next day, and it felt like a black cloud left. Again, I know this is strange. I'm still lost and empty, and it's early days. Something changed, almost like I know alcohol will kill me, I know my thoughts will get me killed too, and I'm not ready to die.
I'm sorry for my silence if I'm not here for a while. SaSu has been my world and I'm alone without you. I wish I was stronger and could be here for you too, without going back on my promise. Small things remind me of you, like a fantasy pic @darksouls and pineapple @U. A. Ice-cream recently made me think of @namelesa who I see are no longer here?!? ... you were always here, so very sad and unreal, I hope you found peace
This is not goodbye, but a silent hello. I wanted to say thank you to all of you, for every emoji, message, post, thought, and for simply being here. We don't know tomorrow, but SaSu will always be a part of me. For now, I'm sending hugs to everyone. I wish you love and peace always, whatever happens x
I never thought I would say goodbye, unless to ctb. And this isn't goodbye as I'm not leaving SaSu, just wanted to say something.
Up until March 30th, I thought it was impossible to ever get out of the darkness. If I did somehow, I still wanted to be here for everyone as you have for me. I had been spiralling badly up to where I believe I had a panic attack. I thought I was going to die which I know is usual with an attack. I also had a stabbing pain in my side and didn't feel well. I believe I experienced the death angel's presence. I know this sounds strange. This was the second time I had this kind of visit.
The first time was in 2023 when my liver couldn't take my drinking anymore. I promised to stop and haven't had a drop since. I became suicidal in 2024 when my person decided to leave. He was depressed and suicidal and I didn't understand. I do now and I also know it's a daily struggle. We were both in this dark place at different times and even though it seems impossible, I know there is still hope.
With this last visit, I was given a choice. I had to promise to stop what I was doing on this path to ctb. I chose life and love and understood it's the last chance to not mess up again. The stabbing pain was gone the next day, and it felt like a black cloud left. Again, I know this is strange. I'm still lost and empty, and it's early days. Something changed, almost like I know alcohol will kill me, I know my thoughts will get me killed too, and I'm not ready to die.
I'm sorry for my silence if I'm not here for a while. SaSu has been my world and I'm alone without you. I wish I was stronger and could be here for you too, without going back on my promise. Small things remind me of you, like a fantasy pic @darksouls and pineapple @U. A. Ice-cream recently made me think of @namelesa who I see are no longer here?!? ... you were always here, so very sad and unreal, I hope you found peace
This is not goodbye, but a silent hello. I wanted to say thank you to all of you, for every emoji, message, post, thought, and for simply being here. We don't know tomorrow, but SaSu will always be a part of me. For now, I'm sending hugs to everyone. I wish you love and peace always, whatever happens x
