I'm going to be 50 in a few months. My childhood was crappy where I didnt have consistent parental figures and I was uprooted three times and had to adjust to new surroundings in different countries. I was brought up for a time by my aunts who I realise didn't exactly love me but merely tolerated me and I think resented me as well as I got older. I was basically passed around like an unwanted present. Finally ending back with my dad who obviously didn't want the responsibility.
Other factors, I was bullied at school. I rarely talked earning me the nickname 'Dopey' (as in the mute dwarf in Snow White).
I'm condensing a lot here but the end result has made me not just introverted but also dissociative. My natural features and my 'resting asshole face' (I'm a guy btw) make me look sad and angry in equal measure even though in reality I'm just indifferent. My lifelong depression means I rarely bothered to make connections with people for two reasons; one, the irrational fear that I'd be moving again so there was no point in making a new friend if I was just going to move to another city or country. The second reason being that I didn't want to have people missing me if and when I decide to exit.
My changing circumstances growing up has made me indecisive and not wanting to change so I'm in limbo. Procrastinating and procrastinating and I suppose afraid.
To top everything off I had a very traumatic event five years ago which I'm still not over and I really can't be bothered any more. So for the moment I'm stockpiling my meds and I'm buying a mortar and pestle.
I used to think suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem but after nearly five decades that argument becomes null.
Other factors, I was bullied at school. I rarely talked earning me the nickname 'Dopey' (as in the mute dwarf in Snow White).
I'm condensing a lot here but the end result has made me not just introverted but also dissociative. My natural features and my 'resting asshole face' (I'm a guy btw) make me look sad and angry in equal measure even though in reality I'm just indifferent. My lifelong depression means I rarely bothered to make connections with people for two reasons; one, the irrational fear that I'd be moving again so there was no point in making a new friend if I was just going to move to another city or country. The second reason being that I didn't want to have people missing me if and when I decide to exit.
My changing circumstances growing up has made me indecisive and not wanting to change so I'm in limbo. Procrastinating and procrastinating and I suppose afraid.
To top everything off I had a very traumatic event five years ago which I'm still not over and I really can't be bothered any more. So for the moment I'm stockpiling my meds and I'm buying a mortar and pestle.
I used to think suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem but after nearly five decades that argument becomes null.
