Venting My reason is more "trivial" but I still feel constant anguish

[eternal-loser]

The reason I want to die is that I will never be famous. I'm sure people with real problems are laughing right now, but that's how I feel.

I don't mean being famous like an influencer or somebody "famous for being famous," I mean renowned for my skill at a creative or intellectual task. Like a famous writer, famous chess player, or famous scientist. Somebody smart and admirable, not just to myself or my friends, but to objective strangers. This is something I have always wanted more than anything else. A few years ago, I learned that I am too stupid to ever improve past mediocrity at anything I try. I have been extremely depressed and longing for death since then. I see new proof of how I am an eternal loser all the time and my desire to die only gets stronger.

Here's where it comes from. Growing up, my mom would normally tell me that I was brilliant and smarter than all my classmates. But when I did something she didnt like, she pinned me down and screamed that I was a stupid retard. As a kid, I always believed the stuff about being smart and discounted the stuff about being retarded, but now I have seen the evidence and realize I am actually stupid.

There are people out there who live such wonderful lives, where the more study and practice and effort they put into something, the better they get, surpassing greater and greater rivals until they are among the best in the world. Every day I think about how instead of being one of these people, I am a stupid eternal loser.

I do not want a life where I cannot be famous. Normal things like friends, relationships, simple pleasures, these mean nothing to me if I am not improving towards fame. And I cannot enjoy any of the things that used to make me happy anymore. Not with the knowledge that I am inherently stupid and none of the effort I put into things I care about matters.

All I can think about every day is how stupid I am. It fills up all of my time. I hate being alive.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Welcome to the forum.

I don't think any reason is trivial if it causes us deep emotional pain/ anguish. Not that I'm an expert but, your upbringing style sounds reminiscent of what I've seen described as a narcissistic parenting style. Where the child is valued when it does something wanted but then, highly berated when it fails.

All children fail at things. All people fail at times. It's how we learn. It probably isn't healthy to become cripplingly terrified to fail because it can make us terrified to even try.

Obviously, not knowing you or your work and, not expecting you to dox yourself, it's hard to judge the likelihood of you becoming successful/ famous. However, creative works are somewhat subjective. You could well become massively popular, despite maybe not having the technical ability of other people. I wouldn't say Van Gogh was the most technically brilliant Artist but, his work is adored by many. Sadly, only after he died in his case- unfortunately.

Are you doing all you can to fulfil your dreams? I pursued a creative dream myself. Maybe my goals weren't quite as lofty but, I always wanted to climb higher than I have.

I think that unfortunately will always happen though- you may always be somewhat dissatisfied with what you've just worked on. I guess that's how we grow. But, you won't even know how high you'll be able to climb, unless you try. I can understand the desire of being excellent though and fears that you may not ever be.

I think maybe you should research the narcissistic parenting style. The YouTuber: 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy' makes relevant content. I didn't have narcissistic parents but, I do believe another member of my family was a narcissist or, had many of the typical traits- at least. They were the reason I first started having suicidal thoughts.

It helped me immensely to learn about narcissism as I aged. Not that it will ever be a formal diagnosis of them but, it gave me a sense of validation that their peculiar behaviour suddenly had a framework/ reason. Perhaps watching such videos will give you tools to work with these feelings.

By that, I mean- maybe part of the issue is not so much tackling the desire to be acknowledged and famous but- why you have that desire to such a strong degree to begin with. It sounds as if it's likely because your parenting has instilled in you that that is the only way you will be worth something. I'm sorry you were burdened with that.

 

[Steph99]

Fabulous advice!

 

[eternal-loser]

Welcome to the forum.

I don't think any reason is trivial if it causes us deep emotional pain/ anguish. Not that I'm an expert but, your upbringing style sounds reminiscent of what I've seen described as a narcissistic parenting style. Where the child is valued when it does something wanted but then, highly berated when it fails.

All children fail at things. All people fail at times. It's how we learn. It probably isn't healthy to become cripplingly terrified to fail because it can make us terrified to even try.

I wasn't too terrified to try. I tried many times and put my all into it.

Obviously, not knowing you or your work and, not expecting you to dox yourself, it's hard to judge the likelihood of you becoming successful/ famous. However, creative works are somewhat subjective. You could well become massively popular, despite maybe not having the technical ability of other people. I wouldn't say Van Gogh was the most technically brilliant Artist but, his work is adored by many. Sadly, only after he died in his case- unfortunately.

Are you doing all you can to fulfil your dreams? I pursued a creative dream myself. Maybe my goals weren't quite as lofty but, I always wanted to climb higher than I have.

I did all I could. It didnt get me anywhere. When I tell my friends all I did they tell me they've never wanted anything as badly as I want this.

I think that unfortunately will always happen though- you may always be somewhat dissatisfied with what you've just worked on. I guess that's how we grow. But, you won't even know how high you'll be able to climb, unless you try. I can understand the desire of being excellent though and fears that you may not ever be.

I was not dissatisfied until I saw the results. I was always optimistic and believed the results would be good, or at least improving. I was delusional about it.

I think maybe you should research the narcissistic parenting style. The YouTuber: 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy' makes relevant content. I didn't have narcissistic parents but, I do believe another member of my family was a narcissist or, had many of the typical traits- at least. They were the reason I first started having suicidal thoughts.

It helped me immensely to learn about narcissism as I aged. Not that it will ever be a formal diagnosis of them but, it gave me a sense of validation that their peculiar behaviour suddenly had a framework/ reason. Perhaps watching such videos will give you tools to work with these feelings.

By that, I mean- maybe part of the issue is not so much tackling the desire to be acknowledged and famous but- why you have that desire to such a strong degree to begin with. It sounds as if it's likely because your parenting has instilled in you that that is the only way you will be worth something. I'm sorry you were burdened with that.

I *am* my desire for fame. I don't want to desire different things, I just want to not be so disgustingly stupid I can never reach what I desire. I want to disappear.

 

[eternal-loser]

I get extremely jealous easily. This is going to sound cringe, but the thing I get jealous of perhaps most of all is when somebody on Reddit hypes up somebody they do not know personally as smart. And it used to be an aspirational kind of jealousy, like I used to see a smartest science fiction authors thread and think, "I can't wait for that to be me!" But once I proved I was stupid, it's been a jealousy more along the lines of, "I hate myself because that will never be me." With some resentment and desire for ill upon the smart person as well.


The screenshot is an example from a few months ago that sticks with me. I never was into crosswords or even knew crossword competitions were a thing but I'm intensely jealous because of how badly I have always wanted a stranger to talk of me like that. It has to be a stranger whose compliments I stumble across, not somebody who knows me and is probably just trying to make me feel better. I hate how I am too stupid to ever get truly good at anything ever. To see such a comment about oneself... I cannot imagine a greater feeling. It seems unbelievable that mere humans could have such an incredible thing happen to them.

I was a always into science fiction but I got into fanfiction... I told myself it was an easier was to get practice in because of the instant feedback, but it was really because I saw two authors being called smart online for their works and I needed that for myself so badly. I needed people to talk about me like that. I needed it, and I worked so hard for it, and all I did was prove that I can never ever improve at anything because of my inherent stupidity.

I got into chess to distract myself from my constant pain about my writing. And sure enough, at a level considered mediocre, I stopped improving. It has been years of constant effort with no improvement.

I want to be the kind of person who puts in a ton of effort towards my passions, makes sure every little detail is perfect, who puts in more time than anybody else, and then wows everybody with the result. The wows don't happen for me, though, so all of my effort is pointless. Nothing I ever do matters.

If I could just improve a little bit each time, even at a glacial pace, then it would all be okay. Alternatively, if I had one big accomplishment to definitively prove I wasn't stupid, everything would be okay. Not everybody can improve, though. Some idiots are better off dead.

 

[eternal-loser]

Nothing I do ever matters. There are people out there who put effort in and get skill out, and I am not one of them. No matter how much effort I put in, I never improve. I am a disgusting retard and this can never be fixed.

I got fired for this stuff recently. A customer reported how I was yelling at myself after losing at chess (I often say "all you are is stupid and that's all you'll ever be you retarded bitch. There is no excuse for being this stupid. What the fuck is wrong with you.") and my boss looked at the cameras and fired me. I was able to get a new job soon after though because the types of jobs I take are always hiring.

I turn thirty in April. It will have been six years since I proved beyond a doubt that I am stupid and should not be alive. I just want off this ride. I dont see any pathway towards ever feeling good about myself.