shinitai-chan
meow
- Apr 10, 2026
- 25
so when my SN finally gets delivered i think of 3 ways what i can do
1. since i'm living in a rented apartment and don't want to cause trouble to the owners i wanna book a hotel room and do it there
2. i can take SN here, but idk maybe make a delayed message to the owners or a delayed call to ambulance(idk if it's even possible) so they could take care about my body
3. or why should i care at all, fuck them, i don't even know if it'll be hard to take SN when the moment comes, plus in a hotel room i have a chance to change my mind and try to call someone for help(i'm sure i won't but if there's even a 1% chance that my survival instinct will kick in, why should i take this risk)
not sure what i should do so maybe hearing other people's opinions will help me make a better decision
below is just my venting, don't read
ok couple days ago i seriously was thinking i'll gonna do the first way because i somehow managed to get rid of almost all my bad thoughts and became happy idk maybe it was because i found this forum and it helped me find the method i actually want to do, before i only thought about partial hanging but drinking SN is much better for me, i wanted to die by drinking something, like always before, and seeing suicides from sleeping pills in movies and other bs like that made me want to do the same but turned out sleeping pills suck, so yeah i was happy to finally find a method i want. but my condition becamse so much worse again, i can't enjoy food it's gross, i can't enjoy my cigarettes, i can't even enjoy my energy drinks wtf. why is it so cold in my apartment god i hate this feeling i don't want to exist it's so painful just to exist for me nowwwww
i wanted to live a little longer after my SN arrives, like a couple of weeks maybe, even had plans like maybe leave something before my death? i had an idea for a small game(more like a VN) for 20-30 mins and really loved that idea and i thought it was possible for me to speedrun it in these couple of weeks but now i don't want anything i don't want to book a room, i don't want to care about anyone else i just want to stop existing omg. now i think i'll do it as soon as it gets delivered without waiting. maybe i should start taking my antiemetics already idk. i don't know why it's so painful to exist these last days i can be awake for 30+ hours then sleep for 20, it's horrible. but maybe i'm happier than before afterall because when i thought "i want to die so mucchhhh" before it was just thoughts and i never ever had a method or real determination, now when i'm thinking I WANT TO STOP EXIST ALREADY PLEASE i remember "oh i really will die soon" and it slightly raises my mood and gives a little peace to my mind? idkkkk
but anyway i feel so bad now i just want to die where i am and stop caring about the others asdfgvkljha;kashjfllk;s i'm a horrible person if i'll do it that way, i know
UPD: nah okay fuck the hotel i think. i just realized if i start vomiting and making really loud noises someone will come
1. since i'm living in a rented apartment and don't want to cause trouble to the owners i wanna book a hotel room and do it there
2. i can take SN here, but idk maybe make a delayed message to the owners or a delayed call to ambulance(idk if it's even possible) so they could take care about my body
3. or why should i care at all, fuck them, i don't even know if it'll be hard to take SN when the moment comes, plus in a hotel room i have a chance to change my mind and try to call someone for help(i'm sure i won't but if there's even a 1% chance that my survival instinct will kick in, why should i take this risk)
not sure what i should do so maybe hearing other people's opinions will help me make a better decision
below is just my venting, don't read
ok couple days ago i seriously was thinking i'll gonna do the first way because i somehow managed to get rid of almost all my bad thoughts and became happy idk maybe it was because i found this forum and it helped me find the method i actually want to do, before i only thought about partial hanging but drinking SN is much better for me, i wanted to die by drinking something, like always before, and seeing suicides from sleeping pills in movies and other bs like that made me want to do the same but turned out sleeping pills suck, so yeah i was happy to finally find a method i want. but my condition becamse so much worse again, i can't enjoy food it's gross, i can't enjoy my cigarettes, i can't even enjoy my energy drinks wtf. why is it so cold in my apartment god i hate this feeling i don't want to exist it's so painful just to exist for me nowwwww
i wanted to live a little longer after my SN arrives, like a couple of weeks maybe, even had plans like maybe leave something before my death? i had an idea for a small game(more like a VN) for 20-30 mins and really loved that idea and i thought it was possible for me to speedrun it in these couple of weeks but now i don't want anything i don't want to book a room, i don't want to care about anyone else i just want to stop existing omg. now i think i'll do it as soon as it gets delivered without waiting. maybe i should start taking my antiemetics already idk. i don't know why it's so painful to exist these last days i can be awake for 30+ hours then sleep for 20, it's horrible. but maybe i'm happier than before afterall because when i thought "i want to die so mucchhhh" before it was just thoughts and i never ever had a method or real determination, now when i'm thinking I WANT TO STOP EXIST ALREADY PLEASE i remember "oh i really will die soon" and it slightly raises my mood and gives a little peace to my mind? idkkkk
but anyway i feel so bad now i just want to die where i am and stop caring about the others asdfgvkljha;kashjfllk;s i'm a horrible person if i'll do it that way, i know
UPD: nah okay fuck the hotel i think. i just realized if i start vomiting and making really loud noises someone will come
Last edited:
