My plan

[badtothebone]

I struggle to live everyday. The pain I live with is not something I can control or manageable. I keep asking myself if I'm responsible for my son suicide? I never abused my son in any way I loved him so much but as his mother I never protected him either. Providing wasn't enough I missed something. I didn't listen to him he was crying for help and I didn't see it. He was so beautiful so innocent and pure. He has a beautiful heart he didn't deserve to suffer. It's something I did or said killed my son. I know my son shot himself but he prob was dead already emotionally. To kill someone you don't have to pull the trigger, there are different ways to murder someone without even touching them. I didn't kill my son but I was his death aid. My son had something going on most likely depression but he didn't feel close enough to tell me and as his mom I was suppose to know but I didn't.

Something I need to share with you in here that I never thought about until today. When my son was 8 he was so smart and advanced in his class. His friends were very jealous so they started bullying him. One day I went to wake him up for school but he refused. I told him I need to go to work so I had to drop him off to school but he continued to refuse. So I decided to call in and see why he's refusing. After a long talk with him he told me " mom my friends told me I didn't have to eat I'm already fat, and they keep taking my lunch money". I called the principle and cursed the whole school so he suspended those kids and he spoke with my son but during that time in the same morning my son also told me that he hears voices. So I asked him what you mean? He said " voices telling me to kill my self with a knife" and he started crying he was scared and I hugged him and I cried too. I didn't know what to do so I called his doctor and she told me to bring him. We went and I asked his doctor to talk with him alone and I left the room. Few minutes after the doctor told me he's prob acting like that due to bullying in school. She suggested that he sees a psychiatrist. We went home In the evening and he was playful and you can see him happy. I went through his computer just to see his search history and all what I found is suicide search history " how to kill myself" he was searching how to kill himself for days. He was so young only 8. The next day he went to school but he was happy knowing the other 2 kids were suspended. I was worried about the voices so the next day I asked him how is he doing and he said he's fine. I never took him to a psychiatrist and after that I didn't even ask him about the voices he seemed happy and I didn't want to remind him of that negative thoughts. I didn't mean to neglect my son it's just I didn't know better I was single mom try to do everything by myself and I thought since those kids got punished he's going to be ok. From age 8 and from that day until he passed I never asked him if he heard voices again. If I took him to a psychiatric and cared more about that area he's prob will be alive today. I don't know how I was very stupid. His doctor also didn't care either. He was doing good in school. Going out with me and his friends so I thought reminding him about that bad experience will hurt him it's better to just let it go since he's doing good now. I was wrong. It's weird how I never thought or rembered that until today . Did my son continue living with hearing voices and didn't say anything because I never asked? Is this connected with his suicide? Did he suffer all those years without me knowing? Maybe that's why he was advanced in school to distract himself from those negative thoughts? Did I neglect my son by not taking him to a psychiatrist?

Therefore, I decided to have a plan that can help me with this guilt and pain. I make good money so I have a lot of savings. I'm going to give my sister some and open saving account under my children name and add their money there. They can use it it's a lot of money. This will secure part of their future. And then I'm going to kms because it's a lot to live with it's impossible to continue and I'm tired explaining my pain. I know my children need me but there is no " me" anymore. I live with a lot of guilt no human being can survive. I'm going to start working on this next week. I'll also give my resignation. That's it. I know in my heart that I didn't neglect my son feelings and emotions in purpose. I thought asking him about bullying and hearing voices will remind him and I didn't want to remind him I thought I was protecting him but in fact I KILLED HIM.

Please excuse any typo I'm crying so i literally can't see now.

 

[JessIsAlive]

I struggle to live everyday. The pain I live with is not something I can control or manageable. I keep asking myself if I'm responsible for my son suicide? I never abused my son in any way I loved him so much but as his mother I never protected him either. Providing wasn't enough I missed something. I didn't listen to him he was crying for help and I didn't see it. He was so beautiful so innocent and pure. He has a beautiful heart he didn't deserve to suffer. It's something I did or said killed my son. I know my son shot himself but he prob was dead already emotionally. To kill someone you don't have to pull the trigger, there are different ways to murder someone without even touching them. I didn't kill my son but I was his death aid. My son had something going on most likely depression but he didn't feel close enough to tell me and as his mom I was suppose to know but I didn't.

Something I need to share with you in here that I never thought about until today. When my son was 8 he was so smart and advanced in his class. His friends were very jealous so they started bullying him. One day I went to wake him up for school but he refused. I told him I need to go to work so I had to drop him off to school but he continued to refuse. So I decided to call in and see why he's refusing. After a long talk with him he told me " mom my friends told me I didn't have to eat I'm already fat, and they keep taking my lunch money". I called the principle and cursed the whole school so he suspended those kids and he spoke with my son but during that time in the same morning my son also told me that he hears voices. So I asked him what you mean? He said " voices telling me to kill my self with a knife" and he started crying he was scared and I hugged him and I cried too. I didn't know what to do so I called his doctor and she told me to bring him. We went and I asked his doctor to talk with him alone and I left the room. Few minutes after the doctor told me he's prob acting like that due to bullying in school. She suggested that he sees a psychiatrist. We went home In the evening and he was playful and you can see him happy. I went through his computer just to see his search history and all what I found is suicide search history " how to kill myself" he was searching how to kill himself for days. He was so young only 8. The next day he went to school but he was happy knowing the other 2 kids were suspended. I was worried about the voices so the next day I asked him how is he doing and he said he's fine. I never took him to a psychiatrist and after that I didn't even ask him about the voices he seemed happy and I didn't want to remind him of that negative thoughts. I didn't mean to neglect my son it's just I didn't know better I was single mom try to do everything by myself and I thought since those kids got punished he's going to be ok. From age 8 and from that day until he passed I never asked him if he heard voices again. If I took him to a psychiatric and cared more about that area he's prob will be alive today. I don't know how I was very stupid. His doctor also didn't care either. He was doing good in school. Going out with me and his friends so I thought reminding him about that bad experience will hurt him it's better to just let it go since he's doing good now. I was wrong. It's weird how I never thought or rembered that until today . Did my son continue living with hearing voices and didn't say anything because I never asked? Is this connected with his suicide? Did he suffer all those years without me knowing? Maybe that's why he was advanced in school to distract himself from those negative thoughts? Did I neglect my son by not taking him to a psychiatrist?

Therefore, I decided to have a plan that can help me with this guilt and pain. I make good money so I have a lot of savings. I'm going to give my sister some and open saving account under my children name and add their money there. They can use it it's a lot of money. This will secure part of their future. And then I'm going to kms because it's a lot to live with it's impossible to continue and I'm tired explaining my pain. I know my children need me but there is no " me" anymore. I live with a lot of guilt no human being can survive. I'm going to start working on this next week. I'll also give my resignation. That's it. I know in my heart that I didn't neglect my son feelings and emotions in purpose. I thought asking him about bullying and hearing voices will remind him and I didn't want to remind him I thought I was protecting him but in fact I KILLED HIM.

Please excuse any typo I'm crying so i literally can't see now.

You didn't kill your son. I can't imagine what you're going through, but I know it wasn't your fault. Your reaction to this proves how much you loved and cared about him. guilt is a wasted emotion.

 

[badtothebone]

You didn't kill your son. I can't imagine what you're going through, but I know it wasn't your fault. Your reaction to this proves how much you loved and cared about him. guilt is a wasted emotion.

how about not doing anything about the voices he told me he heard or his search history? @JessIsAlive i thought he was just making this up but i was wrong. I'm not prefect but this is unacceptable I should be punished. I'm going through a lot I feel so lost

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm so very sorry for your loss of your son. You didn't kill him. Your perceived neglect didn't kill him. Have you gotten some help for yourself? You really need to, I believe.

 

[badtothebone]

I'm so very sorry for your loss of your son. You didn't kill him. Your perceived neglect didn't kill him. Have you gotten some help for yourself? You really need to, I believe.

Thank you so much @locked*n*loaded too much to process it's all coming back to me I'm thinking so hard trying to remember all the details to see what missed.
I did see psychiatric last Tuesday he put me on lexapro and Trazadone. I just don't see how I'm going to continue like that

 

[landslide2]

You are carrying the heavy burden of guilt and I know you want to punish yourself but you did not kill your son.
We can never know everything, it's just not possible. Bullying itself can be very traumatic for children. Some are just more sensitive and kind than this world deserves. You are still in mourning and that may take some time, don't give up on the life that there still is.

 

[badtothebone]

You are carrying the heavy burden of guilt and I know you want to punish yourself but you did not kill your son.
We can never know everything, it's just not possible. Bullying itself can be very traumatic for children. Some are just more sensitive and kind than this world deserves. You are still in mourning and that may take some time, don't give up on the life that there still is.

I don't how to live @landslide2. The doctor told me it's complicated grief. I rather die living and sleeping crying it's affecting my vision. I wear eye classes and still can't see sometimes. I'm the only should be in the grave not my son. I just feel like I didn't do enough and going back they were signs but I didn't see them until now it's too late to save my son he's gone

 

[maniac116]

 

[Makoto]

how about not doing anything about the voices he told me he heard or his search history? @JessIsAlive i thought he was just making this up but i was wrong. I'm not prefect but this is unacceptable I should be punished. I'm going through a lot I feel so lost

I don't know if this will be of any kind of consolation. But boys never tell what happens to our mothers because we feel too ashamed of it.

It doesn't matter how many times we tell you that you haven't killed your son... and that you feel that shows how much you cared about him and how much you love him. I know you feel like you have failed as a mother. But you had no way of knowing what your son was going through. You had to be both a mother and father at the same time, that's complicated enough but on top of that you had 3 children.

Despite all the pain you are going through. Your biggest concern is still ensuring a future for your children (although I'm pretty sure they would prefer to have their mother)... I don't think that's something a bad mother does. I don't think you're a bad mother. I think you were loving, responsible, concerned. I think you are doing the best you can and that you don't deserve this situation.

I wish I could know how to help you but I don't think anything I say can make any difference.

Whatever you decide to do. I wish you all the strength in the world.

 

[landslide2]

I don't how to live @landslide2. The doctor told me it's complicated grief. I rather die living and sleeping crying it's affecting my vision. I wear eye classes and still can't see sometimes. I'm the only should be in the grave not my son. I just feel like I didn't do enough and going back they were signs but I didn't see them until now it's too late to save my son he's gone

my heart cries out for you. there may be no answers in the past but i know you can't yet break from it.
but i hope you don't give up on life just yet.

 

[suffering_mo_7]

@badtothebone Make sure those meds aren't making you worse!! If you are feeling worse, you need to talk to the doctor ASAP.

Also, as someone who has had 8 year olds......your son likely wasn't actually hearing voices. My kids have said this kind of stuff before. My current 8 yo says some similar things - not about killing herself but just other stuff that shows she has imagination. At age 8, kids still do! You should NOT have taken your son to a psychiatrist to get him on meds - it would have ruined him for sure and then you would have blamed yourself for that. Your son was perhaps a very sensitive child, it sounds like. And obviously hormonal. You just do NOT know what is going through someone's mind or what they are going through, no matter the circumstances, or the age, etc, etc. and those kids, at that age, with all those hormones! We are not mind readers. My son told me at age 13 or so that he wanted to die, he wished he had never been born, etc, etc. We had a talk, I checked in with him just as you did. It seemed to pass and I didn't think any more of it. It never came up again. I didn't think of it again. I'm glad I never took him to get medication - that would have been horrible for him long term.

What would you tell another mother who has experienced what you are? Would you tell her that it's her fault? You need to get into an on-line support group for other parents dealing with this.

 

[badtothebone]

I don't know if this will be of any kind of consolation. But boys never tell what happens to our mothers because we feel too ashamed of it.

It doesn't matter how many times we tell you that you haven't killed your son... and that you feel that shows how much you cared about him and how much you love him. I know you feel like you have failed as a mother. But you had no way of knowing what your son was going through. You had to be both a mother and father at the same time, that's complicated enough but on top of that you had 3 children.

Despite all the pain you are going through. Your biggest concern is still ensuring a future for your children (although I'm pretty sure they would prefer to have their mother)... I don't think that's something a bad mother does. I don't think you're a bad mother. I think you were loving, responsible, concerned. I think you are doing the best you can and that you don't deserve this situation.

I wish I could know how to help you but I don't think anything I say can make any difference.

Whatever you decide to do. I wish you all the strength in the world.

Thank you @Makoto I appreciate your supportive response. I don't know why I feel that way. I really feel bad and hurt it's like nothing is working or maybe I don't want anything to work. I'm literally writing what I did wrong in a journal so I can count my faults..

my heart cries out for you. there may be no answers in the past but i know you can't yet break from it.
but i hope you don't give up on life just yet.

Thank you so much @landslide2 apprexuate you

@badtothebone Make sure those meds aren't making you worse!! If you are feeling worse, you need to talk to the doctor ASAP.

Also, as someone who has had 8 year olds......your son likely wasn't actually hearing voices. My kids have said this kind of stuff before. My current 8 yo says some similar things - not about killing herself but just other stuff that shows she has imagination. At age 8, kids still do! You should NOT have taken your son to a psychiatrist to get him on meds - it would have ruined him for sure and then you would have blamed yourself for that. Your son was perhaps a very sensitive child, it sounds like. And obviously hormonal. You just do NOT know what is going through someone's mind or what they are going through, no matter the circumstances, or the age, etc, etc. and those kids, at that age, with all those hormones! We are not mind readers. My son told me at age 13 or so that he wanted to die, he wished he had never been born, etc, etc. We had a talk, I checked in with him just as you did. It seemed to pass and I didn't think any more of it. It never came up again. I didn't think of it again. I'm glad I never took him to get medication - that would have been horrible for him long term.

What would you tell another mother who has experienced what you are? Would you tell her that it's her fault? You need to get into an on-line support group for other parents dealing with this.

I would say what you just said. Working with doctors and psychiatrists I know it's not the best answers sometimes but I just control my self anger and feeling so guilty. Thank you so much @suffering_mo_7 for trying to help me and I know you are but suicide in my head it's like I can't take those thoughts out anymore. I didn't like the medications I'll call him in the morning to try something else but I'm I going to stay? I don't know what I'm capable of doing. I miss him so much it hurts me when I pass by his room or drive by his fav fast food even when I go out some gas reminds me of him he used to do it for me. I saw someone looks like him at target and I wanted to hug that stranger so bad. He looked exactly like my son.
I feel like I left this world already.

 

[Davey40210]

That is so terrible. I agree you seem like a great mother that was concerned and protective about her little boy.. You need to deal with your grief even though it must be super hard.

I don't think my mom would bat an eye if she heard I killed myself. Don't be like her.

Hope you will be ok.

 

[badtothebone]

That is so terrible. I agree you seem like a great mother that was concerned and protective about her little boy.. You need to deal with your grief even though it must be super hard.

I don't think my mom would bat an eye if she heard I killed myself. Don't be like her.

Hope you will be ok.

Thank you so much @Davey40210 appreciate your response! I'm really trying I still live in the nightmare I'm still there in the day we found my son I just can't move forward I feel like I left with my son what I have now on earth is just empty body..

 

[CatLvr]

I know what I'm about to say is gonna sound heartless and mean and any other bad word you can think of. I was the single mom of a bunch of boys. One of those boys is a homeless mess. Lots of mental issues. So, while he has not committed suicide yet, it wouldn't surprise me to get that phone call.

Now that all that is out of the way -- you have other children who need you. Leaving them money will not solve the problems you are gonna create for them by killing yourself. It is YOUR JOB to care for them and protect them NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU FEEL.

I get that you are suffering, and you feel responsible for your oldest's suicide. Anyone who is even a remotely decent parent would feel all the emotions you are feeling now. But how is commiting suicide yourself taking care of and/or protecting the children still here?? The answer is IT IS NOT.

What your killing yourself WILL DO is saddle them with even more trauma. Can you imagine losing your big brother only to learn that your mom didn't love you enough to stay here with you? You were not good enough?? You didn't love your mom enough for her to want to stay with you, she would rather be with your big brother?

AGAIN -- I am NOT trying to minimize the pain you feel. I can truly understand. But I also do not think you are understanding just how much pain and trauma you are going to cause the children still here with you now if you leave them like this.

I am not usually this harsh and I hope you understand that the only reason I am being this blunt now is that I have seen other members try to say what I have said but in a gentler manner and it doesn't seem to have gotten your attention. The fact of the matter is if you go forward with your plans to kill yourself you are dooming the children you have left to a life of pain, second-guessing and suffering that most adults would not be able to handle. And you are going to do that to children?? How dare you?? You need to summon every ounce of energy you have and focus on the children you have in front of you -- children who ARE ALIVE AND NEED THEIR MOTHER.

IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY YO PUT YOUR SUFFERING ASIDE AND FOCUS ON THEM! I am not suggesting any of this will be easy but nothing worthwhile is. The best way for you to honor the death of your child is by making sure his brothers and/or sisters know he loved them and YOU LOVE THEM and you will not make the same mistakes with them. That they can come to you with anything. NOT TO ABANDON THEM by killing yourself because of your suffering.

 

[badtothebone]

I know what I'm about to say is gonna sound heartless and mean and any other bad word you can think of. I was the single mom of a bunch of boys. One of those boys is a homeless mess. Lots of mental issues. So, while he has not committed suicide yet, it wouldn't surprise me to get that phone call.

Now that all that is out of the way -- you have other children who need you. Leaving them money will not solve the problems you are gonna create for them by killing yourself. It is YOUR JOB to care for them and protect them NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU FEEL.

I get that you are suffering, and you feel responsible for your oldest's suicide. Anyone who is even a remotely decent parent would feel all the emotions you are feeling now. But how is commiting suicide yourself taking care of and/or protecting the children still here?? The answer is IT IS NOT.

What your killing yourself WILL DO is saddle them with even more trauma. Can you imagine losing your big brother only to learn that your mom didn't love you enough to stay here with you? You were not good enough?? You didn't love your mom enough for her to want to stay with you, she would rather be with your big brother?

AGAIN -- I am NOT trying to minimize the pain you feel. I can truly understand. But I also do not think you are understanding just how much pain and trauma you are going to cause the children still here with you now if you leave them like this.

I am not usually this harsh and I hope you understand that the only reason I am being this blunt now is that I have seen other members try to say what I have said but in a gentler manner and it doesn't seem to have gotten your attention. The fact of the matter is if you go forward with your plans to kill yourself you are dooming the children you have left to a life of pain, second-guessing and suffering that most adults would not be able to handle. And you are going to do that to children?? How dare you?? You need to summon every ounce of energy you have and focus on the children you have in front of you -- children who ARE ALIVE AND NEED THEIR MOTHER.

IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY YO PUT YOUR SUFFERING ASIDE AND FOCUS ON THEM! I am not suggesting any of this will be easy but nothing worthwhile is. The best way for you to honor the death of your child is by making sure his brothers and/or sisters know he loved them and YOU LOVE THEM and you will not make the same mistakes with them. That they can come to you with anything. NOT TO ABANDON THEM by killing yourself because of your suffering.

Hi @CatLvr! Thank you so much for your response and every single word you wrote is true I can't argue with you. I know it's my responsibility that's why I'm still here since January living in pain that you will never understand unless you lost the person you loved the most. You don't see me but people who do are very sad about how I'm suffering. My life is not normal anymore. My routine my healthy life style my smile all gone. I'm looking at my children as I'm writing this I don't want to do that to them I love them so much they are so innocent and beautiful they deserve better just like their bother he deserved better. If im going to live I will have to be on stronger drugs and numb my pain. I'm going to try to live for my children.

 

[CatLvr]

Hi @CatLvr! Thank you so much for your response and every single word you wrote is true I can't argue with you. I know it's my responsibility that's why I'm still here since January living in pain that you will never understand unless you lost the person you loved the most. You don't see me but people who do are very sad about how I'm suffering. My life is not normal anymore. My routine my healthy life style my smile all gone. I'm looking at my children as I'm writing this I don't want to do that to them I love them so much they are so innocent and beautiful they deserve better just like their bother he deserved better. If im going to live I will have to be on stronger drugs and numb my pain. I'm going to try to live for my children.

I am at the ICU with my husband right now but I WILL get back with you this evening. I promise I understand better than you know and I am here to talk to as much as you want or need. You are welcome to DM me if you'd like.

 

[badtothebone]

I am at the ICU with my husband right now but I WILL get back with you this evening. I promise I understand better than you know and I am here to talk to as much as you want or need. You are welcome to DM me if you'd like.

I hope everything is good with you and your husband! Thank you so much for everything

 

[nasigoreng99]

I struggle to live everyday. The pain I live with is not something I can control or manageable. I keep asking myself if I'm responsible for my son suicide? I never abused my son in any way I loved him so much but as his mother I never protected him either. Providing wasn't enough I missed something. I didn't listen to him he was crying for help and I didn't see it. He was so beautiful so innocent and pure. He has a beautiful heart he didn't deserve to suffer. It's something I did or said killed my son. I know my son shot himself but he prob was dead already emotionally. To kill someone you don't have to pull the trigger, there are different ways to murder someone without even touching them. I didn't kill my son but I was his death aid. My son had something going on most likely depression but he didn't feel close enough to tell me and as his mom I was suppose to know but I didn't.

Something I need to share with you in here that I never thought about until today. When my son was 8 he was so smart and advanced in his class. His friends were very jealous so they started bullying him. One day I went to wake him up for school but he refused. I told him I need to go to work so I had to drop him off to school but he continued to refuse. So I decided to call in and see why he's refusing. After a long talk with him he told me " mom my friends told me I didn't have to eat I'm already fat, and they keep taking my lunch money". I called the principle and cursed the whole school so he suspended those kids and he spoke with my son but during that time in the same morning my son also told me that he hears voices. So I asked him what you mean? He said " voices telling me to kill my self with a knife" and he started crying he was scared and I hugged him and I cried too. I didn't know what to do so I called his doctor and she told me to bring him. We went and I asked his doctor to talk with him alone and I left the room. Few minutes after the doctor told me he's prob acting like that due to bullying in school. She suggested that he sees a psychiatrist. We went home In the evening and he was playful and you can see him happy. I went through his computer just to see his search history and all what I found is suicide search history " how to kill myself" he was searching how to kill himself for days. He was so young only 8. The next day he went to school but he was happy knowing the other 2 kids were suspended. I was worried about the voices so the next day I asked him how is he doing and he said he's fine. I never took him to a psychiatrist and after that I didn't even ask him about the voices he seemed happy and I didn't want to remind him of that negative thoughts. I didn't mean to neglect my son it's just I didn't know better I was single mom try to do everything by myself and I thought since those kids got punished he's going to be ok. From age 8 and from that day until he passed I never asked him if he heard voices again. If I took him to a psychiatric and cared more about that area he's prob will be alive today. I don't know how I was very stupid. His doctor also didn't care either. He was doing good in school. Going out with me and his friends so I thought reminding him about that bad experience will hurt him it's better to just let it go since he's doing good now. I was wrong. It's weird how I never thought or rembered that until today . Did my son continue living with hearing voices and didn't say anything because I never asked? Is this connected with his suicide? Did he suffer all those years without me knowing? Maybe that's why he was advanced in school to distract himself from those negative thoughts? Did I neglect my son by not taking him to a psychiatrist?

Therefore, I decided to have a plan that can help me with this guilt and pain. I make good money so I have a lot of savings. I'm going to give my sister some and open saving account under my children name and add their money there. They can use it it's a lot of money. This will secure part of their future. And then I'm going to kms because it's a lot to live with it's impossible to continue and I'm tired explaining my pain. I know my children need me but there is no " me" anymore. I live with a lot of guilt no human being can survive. I'm going to start working on this next week. I'll also give my resignation. That's it. I know in my heart that I didn't neglect my son feelings and emotions in purpose. I thought asking him about bullying and hearing voices will remind him and I didn't want to remind him I thought I was protecting him but in fact I KILLED HIM.

Please excuse any typo I'm crying so i literally can't see now.

Reading your post breaks my heart. I'm sorry you have to feel so much guilt. Being single mom is very hard. And you did great.

Also one of thing that holds me back from ctb is how would my mum react to it. But i also can't help continuing living and being failed adult and disappointing her.

 

[badtothebone]

T

Reading your post breaks my heart. I'm sorry you have to feel so much guilt. Being single mom is very hard. And you did great.

Also one of thing that holds me back from ctb is how would my mum react to it. But i also can't help continuing living and being failed adult and disappointing her.

Thank you so much @nasigoreng99 I don't think you are disappointing your mom. We love our children so much regardless. Think about it before u hurt yourself it's prob will end your mom like too as I know my life ended when my son died. People Think I'm still alive I'm not I'm dead

 

[CatLvr]

I hope everything is good with you and your husband! Thank you so much for everything

He's not doing so good but I still will stay with him as long as he is fighting. I want to be gone and he wants to be here. And yet here I am, basically healthy except for my chronic pain issues, watching him die. What a world.

 

[badtothebone]

He's not doing so good but I still will stay with him as long as he is fighting. I want to be gone and he wants to be here. And yet here I am, basically healthy except for my chronic pain issues, watching him die. What a world.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this to watch someone dying or very sick is overwhelming I work at ICU and I see how family suffer watching their loved ones going slowly waiting for the hospital to arrange their dc plan as if it's out of their control and they have to follow the curriculum.. take care of yourself I'm praying for you and yes what a world!!

 

[nasigoreng99]

T

Thank you so much @nasigoreng99 I don't think you are disappointing your mom. We love our children so much regardless. Think about it before u hurt yourself it's prob will end your mom like too as I know my life ended when my son died. People Think I'm still alive I'm not I'm dead

I will make sure i let her know that i'm in happy place with my dad (he has passed too). Because i can't continue living as failed adult and it gives me more suffering. I'd rather falling into dreamless and eternal sleep.

 

[CatLvr]

I hope everything is good with you and your husband! Thank you so much for everything

Ok I am sorry I didn't get back with you like I said I would. My husband is dying -- committed his own type of suicide. Sigh. So I will not be around for a while. I hope you find the strength you need for the children that are still with you. I see you are trying. Trust me, if it weren't for prior obligations I would be gone myself already. I hurt and am exhausted and just want a little peace. In time, I guess. Now is not my time apparently. I'll honor the commitments I have made and when those are done THEN I will "go on vacation".

 

[nolongerhumannn]

I struggle to live everyday. The pain I live with is not something I can control or manageable. I keep asking myself if I'm responsible for my son suicide? I never abused my son in any way I loved him so much but as his mother I never protected him either. Providing wasn't enough I missed something. I didn't listen to him he was crying for help and I didn't see it. He was so beautiful so innocent and pure. He has a beautiful heart he didn't deserve to suffer. It's something I did or said killed my son. I know my son shot himself but he prob was dead already emotionally. To kill someone you don't have to pull the trigger, there are different ways to murder someone without even touching them. I didn't kill my son but I was his death aid. My son had something going on most likely depression but he didn't feel close enough to tell me and as his mom I was suppose to know but I didn't.

Something I need to share with you in here that I never thought about until today. When my son was 8 he was so smart and advanced in his class. His friends were very jealous so they started bullying him. One day I went to wake him up for school but he refused. I told him I need to go to work so I had to drop him off to school but he continued to refuse. So I decided to call in and see why he's refusing. After a long talk with him he told me " mom my friends told me I didn't have to eat I'm already fat, and they keep taking my lunch money". I called the principle and cursed the whole school so he suspended those kids and he spoke with my son but during that time in the same morning my son also told me that he hears voices. So I asked him what you mean? He said " voices telling me to kill my self with a knife" and he started crying he was scared and I hugged him and I cried too. I didn't know what to do so I called his doctor and she told me to bring him. We went and I asked his doctor to talk with him alone and I left the room. Few minutes after the doctor told me he's prob acting like that due to bullying in school. She suggested that he sees a psychiatrist. We went home In the evening and he was playful and you can see him happy. I went through his computer just to see his search history and all what I found is suicide search history " how to kill myself" he was searching how to kill himself for days. He was so young only 8. The next day he went to school but he was happy knowing the other 2 kids were suspended. I was worried about the voices so the next day I asked him how is he doing and he said he's fine. I never took him to a psychiatrist and after that I didn't even ask him about the voices he seemed happy and I didn't want to remind him of that negative thoughts. I didn't mean to neglect my son it's just I didn't know better I was single mom try to do everything by myself and I thought since those kids got punished he's going to be ok. From age 8 and from that day until he passed I never asked him if he heard voices again. If I took him to a psychiatric and cared more about that area he's prob will be alive today. I don't know how I was very stupid. His doctor also didn't care either. He was doing good in school. Going out with me and his friends so I thought reminding him about that bad experience will hurt him it's better to just let it go since he's doing good now. I was wrong. It's weird how I never thought or rembered that until today . Did my son continue living with hearing voices and didn't say anything because I never asked? Is this connected with his suicide? Did he suffer all those years without me knowing? Maybe that's why he was advanced in school to distract himself from those negative thoughts? Did I neglect my son by not taking him to a psychiatrist?

Therefore, I decided to have a plan that can help me with this guilt and pain. I make good money so I have a lot of savings. I'm going to give my sister some and open saving account under my children name and add their money there. They can use it it's a lot of money. This will secure part of their future. And then I'm going to kms because it's a lot to live with it's impossible to continue and I'm tired explaining my pain. I know my children need me but there is no " me" anymore. I live with a lot of guilt no human being can survive. I'm going to start working on this next week. I'll also give my resignation. That's it. I know in my heart that I didn't neglect my son feelings and emotions in purpose. I thought asking him about bullying and hearing voices will remind him and I didn't want to remind him I thought I was protecting him but in fact I KILLED HIM.

Please excuse any typo I'm crying so i literally can't see now.

i dont think you particularly killed him. sure, you may have needed to check in with him after hearing those concerns but its not exactly your fault for not wanting to remind him. you seem like a mother with care in her heart that goes beyond the universe and to that, i hope that you can rest easily with your son.
hope you find peace, and to reunite with him again.

 

[badtothebone]

Ok I am sorry I didn't get back with you like I said I would. My husband is dying -- committed his own type of suicide. Sigh. So I will not be around for a while. I hope you find the strength you need for the children that are still with you. I see you are trying. Trust me, if it weren't for prior obligations I would be gone myself already. I hurt and am exhausted and just want a little peace. In time, I guess. Now is not my time apparently. I'll honor the commitments I have made and when those are done THEN I will "go on vacation".

Please take care of yourself and thank you so much for even thinking about me during your difficult time. I hope your husband find his peace. I send you Huggies and love from Florida

i dont think you particularly killed him. sure, you may have needed to check in with him after hearing those concerns but its not exactly your fault for not wanting to remind him. you seem like a mother with care in her heart that goes beyond the universe and to that, i hope that you can rest easily with your son.
hope you find peace, and to reunite with him again.

Thank you so much @NoLongerHuman. Appreciate your beautiful response. I hope so too I believe that he's on the other side waiting for me

 

[nir]

how about not doing anything about the voices he told me he heard or his search history? @JessIsAlive i thought he was just making this up but i was wrong. I'm not prefect but this is unacceptable I should be punished. I'm going through a lot I feel so lost

Whenever I feel the insane guilt of all the things I've done, sometimes this poem by Mary Oliver makes me feel a little better. I don't think you're a monster. Hindsight is 20/20. I hope one day you can forgive yourself.

"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things."

 

[badtothebone]

Whenever I feel the insane guilt of all the things I've done, sometimes this poem by Mary Oliver makes me feel a little better. I don't think you're a monster. Hindsight is 20/20. I hope one day you can forgive yourself.

"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things."

@nir its so beautiful and touchy what I also do when I'm feeling extensive pain I buy beautiful things for my son dog. He's always with me I think I remind him of my son. He also gets depressed he's feeling the loss. Appreciate you sharing this with me

 

[JJ53]

How are you doing with the meds? I'm sure you're already aware, but it can take up to six weeks to see a difference. In the meantime, they might make you feel worse before you start feeling better. I know you must be in so much pain right now, and I'm so sorry for your loss. Please give the medication a chance. While it won't change what's happened, it might make living just a little bit more bearable. I've been following your posts. Hugs xx

 

[badtothebone]

How are you doing with the meds? I'm sure you're already aware, but it can take up to six weeks to see a difference. In the meantime, they might make you feel worse before you start feeling better. I know you must be in so much pain right now, and I'm so sorry for your loss. Please give the medication a chance. While it won't change what's happened, it might make living just a little bit more bearable. I've been following your posts. Hugs xx

Hi @JJ53 Appreciate you and thank you so much for following! I'm getting support here more than I'm getting from my own family.

So the medications are not working at all. Yesterday I had a nightmare I saw myself standing on the edge of tall building and about to fall. The doctor told me about suicidal thoughts one if the side effects but I'm already suicidal so I don't know what to makeup out if this nightmare. I'm still taking it but I also have stomach pain from it. I'm not going to lie to you my friend, I think I want to be in pain I'm so angry at myself I missed signs and symptoms my son had if I was smarter and more focus on him I'll prob saved him. I know it's too late now. Today I went to see him I took flowers and I stayed there for almost 3 hours just watching his videos and his beautiful voice crying is not even helping. I don't how i feel, maybe lost. I just lost connection with life, going to try to live with this pain for my other 2 children but I'm going to be struggling every single day. I don't know what to do anymore. A friend of mine here told about medium reading, I'm going to contact them maybe they can connect me with my son so I can apologize to him and tell him how much I love him. I don't know how much longer a person can live with this pain.