Venting My plan on ctb was ruined in a way i shouldn't be mad about(but i am)

[Imhopeless]

I planned everything from day to hour to how I want to go. I've been gaining courage to do it for some months now.

I decided I want to go on my birthday, in my local park while using the exit bag. I have had everything but courage for some time now. When I finally decided on it I couldn't help but feel relieved and also scared. I've imagined it a thousands times, putting the bag on, blasting Frank Sinatra in the background while watching the fireworks that celebrate the new but also my last year (I was born on the new year's if it's not clear). Yet now I have a problem I didn't think I'd have. My friends asked me to join them on the new year's party. This never happened before and one of my friend's couldn't keep it in and told me it's also for my birthday party they wanted to throw for me. I know it's not like they knew I was planning to ctb that day but I can't help but feel a bit mad. What I want to say is that I was 100% going to kill myself on the new year's, I wouldn't have a doubt or a second thought about it. I know it's now or never. Either I go to that party and get to live this life I'm not even sure i want to live fully thanks to them or I ditch them and just pray I wont get found and saved. I dont even want to think about having to explain myself to them, look them in their faces and admit I was more keen on killing myself rather than be grateful for their time and effort.

 

[Ivan181]

How old are you? It's nice you have friends hopefully they can understand your decision and not feel anger towards you. Also what's an exit bag?

 

[neenie]

It's very sweet of your friends to think about you, though I understand your anger. Is there a way you can make both work? (e.g. finding an excuse to ask them to throw the party the day before, or catching the bus the day after?)

 

[Imhopeless]

How old are you? It's nice you have friends hopefully they can understand your decision and not feel anger towards you. Also what's an exit bag?

An exit bag is a way to go. Basically you put a plastic bag over your head and tape it around your neck so air doesn't get inside while letting in trough a tube some sort of gas. I'm planning on using helium (Though that's how I understood it so you shouldn't take what I say as granted and instead look into it on your own)

It's very sweet of your friends to think about you, though I understand your anger. Is there a way you can make both work? (e.g. finding an excuse to ask them to throw the party the day before, or catching the bus the day after?)

Well new years is quite a specific time so I doubt they can make any changes and since I was born literally on a new years (maybe few mins after midnight) Its also a very specific time for me so if I want to do it perfectly as I planned I fear I need to pick one