Venting My parents rely on me, and I can’t CTB because of it

[Pomegranate]

My Dad is soon settling permanently overseas, leaving me, my mom, and two younger siblings. I do lots of the day to day stuff: scheduling appointments and rides, accompanying my mother, and translating for her, as well as filling out applications and simply keeping her company as she gets bored and lonely all the time. My middle sibling's relationship with mom is rocky, and it would be unfair to have my youngest sibling carry the whole burden. I just want to go: I don't want others to be happy at the expense of my own continued suffering. I know my life isn't worth much, and that I won't be affected by any of this once I ride away, but I feel so, so bad for my mom.

 

[waitingforrest]

Sometimes I feel like my life is the only thing that is keeping others afloat. I drown and then they will too.

It's must be stressful to have others counting on you when you just want to ctb. And the guilt of leaving makes it even more stressing.

I sometimes think that my parents deserve a better child, not one with a ticking time bomb.

I hope that nothing else makes things harder for you, you are already carrying a lot on your shoulders. Constantly having to wake up and fight the urge to ctb and having to worry about your family is already hard enough.

 

[Pomegranate]

Sometimes I feel like my life is the only thing that is keeping others afloat. I drown and then they will too.

It's must be stressful to have others counting on you when you just want to ctb. And the guilt of leaving makes it even more stressing.

I sometimes think that my parents deserve a better child, not one with a ticking time bomb.

I hope that nothing else makes things harder for you, you are already carrying a lot on your shoulders. Constantly having to wake up and fight the urge to ctb and having to worry about your family is already hard enough.

Thank you for these words. As you said, it's like trying to help people out of the water, only for them to drown along with you. I get the thought of wishing that my parents got a better child, but other times I get mad at them and wish they never thought about begetting me. I'm numb from the pain of the last five years.

 

[WanderingWater]

My Dad is soon settling permanently overseas, leaving me, my mom, and two younger siblings. I do lots of the day to day stuff: scheduling appointments and rides, accompanying my mother, and translating for her, as well as filling out applications and simply keeping her company as she gets bored and lonely all the time. My middle sibling's relationship with mom is rocky, and it would be unfair to have my youngest sibling carry the whole burden. I just want to go: I don't want others to be happy at the expense of my own continued suffering. I know my life isn't worth much, and that I won't be affected by any of this once I ride away, but I feel so, so bad for my mom.

My Dad is soon settling permanently overseas, leaving me, my mom, and two younger siblings. I do lots of the day to day stuff: scheduling appointments and rides, accompanying my mother, and translating for her, as well as filling out applications and simply keeping her company as she gets bored and lonely all the time. My middle sibling's relationship with mom is rocky, and it would be unfair to have my youngest sibling carry the whole burden. I just want to go: I don't want others to be happy at the expense of my own continued suffering. I know my life isn't worth much, and that I won't be affected by any of this once I ride away, but I feel so, so bad for my mom.

Thank you for these words. As you said, it's like trying to help people out of the water, only for them to drown along with you. I get the thought of wishing that my parents got a better child, but other times I get mad at them and wish they never thought about begetting me. I'm numb from the pain of the last five year

 

[ClownMe]

I can relate, im pretty much only still alive so that I can look after my dog, Frankie.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a really difficult situation to be in. It must be so tiring wanting to escape all the suffering yet feeling as though you have to stay here for others. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

 

[demuic]

I relate to what you've said. But the way I look at it, I didn't sign up to be here. I didn't ask to be depended on by anyone. No matter whether you live or die someone will suffer. If I live long enough, I will eventually have to see my mom pass away, but that's considered the natural order of things, so no one sees it as a problem.

 

[Lost Magic]

Sorry to hear that. I'm the opposite. I have no dependents or people to really feel bad about after I ctb. I have held on as I long as I could after my mother and uncle died. It's no fun anymore. Still, not easy to pull the plug on ones on life though. While I understand a lot of the pain that everybody is going through on here, It's always sad to hear all the stories of sadness and despair. It's so hard to live in these bodies when you feel trapped in them. Bless you all!

 

[WanderingWater]

Your post touches my heart. Your actions speak volumes about your character and compassion. Many would walk away...you persevere.

--You are above not below--
You have a Lions' Heart.