Venting My Only reason to live left me, 5th hospitalization

[chlorine]

I'm just tired. Everyone leaves. He left me and then got together with another girl. He didn't even do it in person. He texted me. Then he called me. Then I began taking every pill I could find, a bottle of whiskey and a razor, though I couldn't take the blades out. I don't remember which pills I took but I remember realizing it was 8 in the morning and i was at home with my dad and sister, I wasn't going anywhere. So i went to her room and she saw my fresh vertical cuts. I'll spare other details, now I'm in the hospital again, tired, so so tired, empty, still missing him, loving him, hating him, wanting him, wanting to die with him.
Now I'll have to spend a few days here and two weeks in another hospital, then they'll put me in an institution/community for who knows how much time. Always better than home anyways

 

[FionaWR]

I can relate its been 7 months and I just feel worse everyday.

 

[chlorine]

I can relate its been 7 months and I just feel worse everyday.

I feel you :(

 

[FionaWR]

It's hard to let go. I destroyed my life over my partner leaving. I tried to go camping out in the middle of nowhere and got stopped by police, searched and they found a fork and knife. Obviously I was using it to eat with disposable bbqs but I got locked up anyway. I don't know what's happening with it yet but if they come ill kms.

 

[chlorine]

It's hard to let go. I destroyed my life over my partner leaving. I tried to go camping out in the middle of nowhere and got stopped by police, searched and they found a fork and knife. Obviously I was using it to eat with disposable bbqs but I got locked up anyway. I don't know what's happening with it yet but if they come ill kms.

I'm sorry to hear that. Hope things will get better and we'll find our peace :(

 

[Jen0804]

Same here :(
So sorry love.

 

[Thorn]

I think the only reason to live is to learn. Which is usually through the pain. And I don't mean cutting your fingers off.
There is a period in life, where everyone experiences it, again and again, until the lesson is learned.
The next period should be stability, but there are several ways this can look like.
Just wait it out.
And never eat any pills you are offered until you know what they are and what they do.

 

[chlorine]

I think the only reason to live is to learn. Which is usually through the pain. And I don't mean cutting your fingers off.
There is a period in life, where everyone experiences it, again and again, until the lesson is learned.
The next period should be stability, but there are several ways this can look like.
Just wait it out.
And never eat any pills you are offered until you don't know what they are and what they do.

Yeah everytime they prescribe me new stuff I search it at least to know the side effects and the basic chemistry of how it works, I hate being given things I don't know the use of

 

[Thorn]

Yep. That is why I have only 2 fixed names and 4 benzos on rotation on my list.
Well, I guess they will stay until I die.
Besides, nobody wants to die healthy, so those will fix that over time.

 

[chlorine]

Yep. That is why I have only 2 fixed names and 4 benzos on rotation on my list.
Well, I guess they will stay until I die.
Besides, nobody wants to die healthy, so those will fix that over time.

I'm also a minor so i can't just refuse to take my meds, otherwise i probably wouldn't. I honestly would prefer to have control over my time of death and honestly i don't care whether I'll be healthy or not.

 

[andy69]

I'm just tired. Everyone leaves. He left me and then got together with another girl. He didn't even do it in person. He texted me. Then he called me. Then I began taking every pill I could find, a bottle of whiskey and a razor, though I couldn't take the blades out. I don't remember which pills I took but I remember realizing it was 8 in the morning and i was at home with my dad and sister, I wasn't going anywhere. So i went to her room and she saw my fresh vertical cuts. I'll spare other details, now I'm in the hospital again, tired, so so tired, empty, still missing him, loving him, hating him, wanting him, wanting to die with him.
Now I'll have to spend a few days here and two weeks in another hospital, then they'll put me in an institution/community for who knows how much time. Always better than home anyways

My partner of fifteen years did the same thing to me. He met someone else. Instead of telling me, he ghosted me for two weeks. He only told me when I tested and called him. He did this out of the blue. I tried to kill myself back in April. I'm still so devastated by this I am planning to ctb in a month. I love him so much. Our relationship meant nothing to him. I meant nothing to him. It is so painful that I can't go on. I can't sleep at night. I have bad dreams about him. Living is torture.

 

[Thorn]

I'm also a minor so i can't just refuse to take my meds, otherwise i probably wouldn't. I honestly would prefer to have control over my time of death and honestly i don't care whether I'll be healthy or not.

Control is the keyword of humanity. Fake morals and hypocrisy, the building blocks of our society. But accepting or refusing meds has to be based on your well-being and reaction to these. Otherwise it really is just making you a guinea pig and unwarranted experimenting. If it's like "privileges on good behavior", then the world really is gone to hell.

 

[Jean Améry]

That's cold and cowardice on his part. I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that.

I know it doesn't feel like it now but ultimately you'll be better off without him.

The best of luck to you.

 

[chlorine]

My partner of fifteen years did the same thing to me. He met someone else. Instead of telling me, he ghosted me for two weeks. He only told me when I tested and called him. He did this out of the blue. I tried to kill myself back in April. I'm still so devastated by this I am planning to ctb in a month. I love him so much. Our relationship meant nothing to him. I meant nothing to him. It is so painful that I can't go on. I can't sleep at night. I have bad dreams about him. Living is torture.

I'm so sorry, even for me he meant everything and I still love him even after what he's done to me, it must be so hard for you though, I hope you'll get better one way or another :(

That's cold and cowardice on his part. I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that.

I know it doesn't feel like it now but ultimately you'll be better off without him.

The best of luck to you.

Thanks, appreciate :)