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RosebyAnyName
Staring at the ceiling for 6 hours
- Nov 9, 2023
- 147
When I was a kid, another boy asked me if he could touch my breasts. We were both maybe 6-7 years old / the same age. I was too afraid to say no, so I said yes. Afterwards I felt so disgusted with myself that I cried the rest of the night. It still paralyzes me to this day.
Everyone I've told, including family, friends, and medical professionals / therapists, reacted stupidly or minimized it. "He just liked you," "it's just playing doctor," "what he did was normal and your reaction was abnormal," "why would he wanted to touch your breasts? You were a kid, you didn't have breasts that young." I even saw a similar story online, and everyone sided with the boy and said the girl was delusional / crazy for being upset and that "she's overreacting" and "she just had a lot of healing to do."
I feel like I was sexually assaulted, I hate my body, I don't trust anyone, I don't even trust my own judgement anymore, I have entire hours, days, sometimes weeks where I'm just paralyzed thinking about it, and nobody gives a shit. I'm not even allowed to hate him for putting me in that situation because he was also a child and I said yes, and the consensus I've heard for that type of situation is that he's absolved of all responsibility. It literally was 100% my fault so I have nobody to blame but myself. I hate myself for this, and it feels like I'm the only one stupid enough to have made a decision like that.
Nobody irl has ever taken me seriously. I don't get to have people tell me "it's not my fault" like in cases of actual sexual assault because it really is my fault, or that "my feelings matter" because they actually don't, or that "I did the best I could in that situation" because I didn't. All of my suffering is my own fault and I just can't take the shame and guilt anymore. I know if I ever told anyone else, they'd just side with the boy and think I'm stupid. I don't even side with myself anymore, I'm just a stupid female and I deserve to be hurt by men because I'm dumb.
Everyone I've told, including family, friends, and medical professionals / therapists, reacted stupidly or minimized it. "He just liked you," "it's just playing doctor," "what he did was normal and your reaction was abnormal," "why would he wanted to touch your breasts? You were a kid, you didn't have breasts that young." I even saw a similar story online, and everyone sided with the boy and said the girl was delusional / crazy for being upset and that "she's overreacting" and "she just had a lot of healing to do."
I feel like I was sexually assaulted, I hate my body, I don't trust anyone, I don't even trust my own judgement anymore, I have entire hours, days, sometimes weeks where I'm just paralyzed thinking about it, and nobody gives a shit. I'm not even allowed to hate him for putting me in that situation because he was also a child and I said yes, and the consensus I've heard for that type of situation is that he's absolved of all responsibility. It literally was 100% my fault so I have nobody to blame but myself. I hate myself for this, and it feels like I'm the only one stupid enough to have made a decision like that.
Nobody irl has ever taken me seriously. I don't get to have people tell me "it's not my fault" like in cases of actual sexual assault because it really is my fault, or that "my feelings matter" because they actually don't, or that "I did the best I could in that situation" because I didn't. All of my suffering is my own fault and I just can't take the shame and guilt anymore. I know if I ever told anyone else, they'd just side with the boy and think I'm stupid. I don't even side with myself anymore, I'm just a stupid female and I deserve to be hurt by men because I'm dumb.