Venting my mom hates me

[jes7ter]

my mom hates me and its so visible how annoyed she is with me. she doesnt even check up on me anymore its just clear she hates me. i know im a bad person and an awful daughter but ive considered not killing myself just so she doesnt suffer. now its just whatever. it would be bearable if i had anything or anyone at all to make me happy. i dont and its just pathetic how not even my mother cares about me anymore
i just feel so pathetic and if i told anyone no one would tell me otherwise, im always at fault, im always in the wrong, the conclusion is always that theres something wrong with me
im just thinking of when to ctb because its so obvious its what im meant to do. i dont want to live the life ive got. deep down i know i dont deserve everything that has happened to me but for some reason i cant have a single good thing in my life. its all just what couldve been and what never will throughout all my life. i dont think i ever got what i wanted truly. whenever i think its getting better it all ends the same way
i know in the end its all my fault