Enigma25
The No Mad Nomad
- Mar 19, 2025
- 29
I wanted to get a lot off of my chest.
I am legitimately disappointed I woke up today. Almost as if you were stood up by a date. I keep trying to find new reasons to stay alive and I keep being reminded or experiencing why I want to go. As much as I say do not care, I am a human still at my core and have a desire to be heard. I am so proud and disgusted by the observations I have made in this life. My past haunts me. I wish I was not raised the way that I was. It made things so difficult to adjust. I made really bad decisions as a child and had bad things happen to me. On top of that, I was raised by one parent that did not take meds for their psychosis, and was overall irresponsible. Bouncing from place to place, home to home, school to school, and eventually foster care, I lack a true identity and sense of community, especially because I am gay. I distanced myself from my family, for trying to "be a family" despite constant pettiness and competition all over. Because I was never really in any groups or anything, I never really was guided to think along with the group. I learned to stop being attached to people, as they were proving to be temporary, whether it was because I was leaving, or they were. Not to mention, I had behaviorial issues. I was not a kid people were allowed to play with. I was sat alone often, and felt so much entitlement as a child. I did not learn empathy until I was about 14, and I had to force myself too after experiencing isolation due to antisocial behavior, as well as embarrassment from my parents public psychosis. I finally met my other parent when I was about 15. Being a JW (Jehova's Witness) I would only get conversation if I wanted bible study. I learned a lot about not only American christianity, but religion as a whole. I became known as a young man that has issues with authority, argumentative, and is overall a lone wolf. I tried learning psychology as a way to make friends. I am pretty goofy which people like, but that seems to be all people like, and I always desired something deeper. I got pitied into a private christian college (where I was starting to realize how different I was. Not only gay, but black, I did not fit in when living in that area. I did not even go to college because I desired greatness. I went because I had no idea how to be independent and live on my own. I met a friend whose family "adopted" me. You'd think I was happy, but I am a picky man, and unsatisfiable. I am urban, they are country. I am gay and agnostic, they are christian. I decided that not all company was good company. I experienced so much racism and homophobia. I started to notice and acknowledge how closed minded hatred was, but even people that believe in hatred still experienced community. I spent so much time growing alone. I became a maladaptive daydreamer. I would literally fantasize about having people to call family, hoping one day to acquire a best friend. I won't ever make long lasting friends, I know that now. My circumstances are so unique per my location, I am hard to relate too. I am so critical of the world around me, I find it hard to relate to anyone. Here I am, a corporate guy now. I've beaten homelessness and have a place of my own, and yet I still feel as if I don't belong anywhere.
I wish I liked sports. I wish I had a decent childhood. I wish I wasn't an outcast among outcast. I wish I could be passionate about work the way others can dive in. I wish I didn't care so much about things I care about. I wish I wasn't a maladaptive daydreamer. I wish people didn't care how different I was. I wish I didn't have adhd. I wish I learned even at a normal rate. I wish I didn't have cptsd. I wish I wasn't born. I hope there isn't another life after this. I hope I don't wake up tomorrow. I could get everything I've always wanted, and its too little too late. Every friendship I have is out of pity or because someone wants a relationship. I'm never high enough on anyones totem pole for anyone to be in my corner. No one defends me when people say anything bad. No one says "but what about him". I feel 2nd place every time. I regret the decisions I made. I envy the people I see that can carry on with a smile. Even as I type this, I'm not sad. Just severely disappointed that I am who I am and that its caused the view it has. I look forward to sourcing SN or whatever alternative I can get my hands on. I've been ready for too long.
I am legitimately disappointed I woke up today. Almost as if you were stood up by a date. I keep trying to find new reasons to stay alive and I keep being reminded or experiencing why I want to go. As much as I say do not care, I am a human still at my core and have a desire to be heard. I am so proud and disgusted by the observations I have made in this life. My past haunts me. I wish I was not raised the way that I was. It made things so difficult to adjust. I made really bad decisions as a child and had bad things happen to me. On top of that, I was raised by one parent that did not take meds for their psychosis, and was overall irresponsible. Bouncing from place to place, home to home, school to school, and eventually foster care, I lack a true identity and sense of community, especially because I am gay. I distanced myself from my family, for trying to "be a family" despite constant pettiness and competition all over. Because I was never really in any groups or anything, I never really was guided to think along with the group. I learned to stop being attached to people, as they were proving to be temporary, whether it was because I was leaving, or they were. Not to mention, I had behaviorial issues. I was not a kid people were allowed to play with. I was sat alone often, and felt so much entitlement as a child. I did not learn empathy until I was about 14, and I had to force myself too after experiencing isolation due to antisocial behavior, as well as embarrassment from my parents public psychosis. I finally met my other parent when I was about 15. Being a JW (Jehova's Witness) I would only get conversation if I wanted bible study. I learned a lot about not only American christianity, but religion as a whole. I became known as a young man that has issues with authority, argumentative, and is overall a lone wolf. I tried learning psychology as a way to make friends. I am pretty goofy which people like, but that seems to be all people like, and I always desired something deeper. I got pitied into a private christian college (where I was starting to realize how different I was. Not only gay, but black, I did not fit in when living in that area. I did not even go to college because I desired greatness. I went because I had no idea how to be independent and live on my own. I met a friend whose family "adopted" me. You'd think I was happy, but I am a picky man, and unsatisfiable. I am urban, they are country. I am gay and agnostic, they are christian. I decided that not all company was good company. I experienced so much racism and homophobia. I started to notice and acknowledge how closed minded hatred was, but even people that believe in hatred still experienced community. I spent so much time growing alone. I became a maladaptive daydreamer. I would literally fantasize about having people to call family, hoping one day to acquire a best friend. I won't ever make long lasting friends, I know that now. My circumstances are so unique per my location, I am hard to relate too. I am so critical of the world around me, I find it hard to relate to anyone. Here I am, a corporate guy now. I've beaten homelessness and have a place of my own, and yet I still feel as if I don't belong anywhere.
I wish I liked sports. I wish I had a decent childhood. I wish I wasn't an outcast among outcast. I wish I could be passionate about work the way others can dive in. I wish I didn't care so much about things I care about. I wish I wasn't a maladaptive daydreamer. I wish people didn't care how different I was. I wish I didn't have adhd. I wish I learned even at a normal rate. I wish I didn't have cptsd. I wish I wasn't born. I hope there isn't another life after this. I hope I don't wake up tomorrow. I could get everything I've always wanted, and its too little too late. Every friendship I have is out of pity or because someone wants a relationship. I'm never high enough on anyones totem pole for anyone to be in my corner. No one defends me when people say anything bad. No one says "but what about him". I feel 2nd place every time. I regret the decisions I made. I envy the people I see that can carry on with a smile. Even as I type this, I'm not sad. Just severely disappointed that I am who I am and that its caused the view it has. I look forward to sourcing SN or whatever alternative I can get my hands on. I've been ready for too long.
