My life is miserable

[burninghill]

I feel like I've been set up for so many good things. I live at home rent-free with a supportive family. I'm in art school and I'm in the midst of perusing a romantic relationship with a really nice guy, I just feel like I'm doomed.

There's something in me that will always want to die and hurt itself, I don't know what it is or why it does it. I spend horrible amount of my time just laying in bed feeling sorry for myself, I don't do anything for enjoyment anymore, only obligation. I keep up academically and that's about it.

I'm so disconnected from everything, even my own body. It feels like I'm playing out some kind of predetermined narrative that wasn't supposed to happen, I should've died when I was 14 and first started feeling suicidal, or at the latest in November.

I knew this cycle would repeat over and over again and I still backed out.

I've tried to talk to people about my suicidal ideation but nobody really seems to care. My friends have seen my scars, heard about my attempts, but disappearing for 3 months to kill myself was only a problem because it made them feel unwanted. All of my friends abandoned me after I tried to kill myself in November. I tried to apologise and make it better but it doesn't matter. 8 years down the drain.

I plan to kill myself on April 25th, 2 days after my 20th birthday. I'm going to spend the next few weeks laying in my bed and getting high and I'm going to Bristol for a night the week after next. I'm also on the fence about hooking up with someone between now and then. I have a guy who wants to meet me but I get too scared even though I have the urge to make myself horrifically uncomfortable.

I have found that DPH does seem to be successful in dampening… brain activity? I couldn't focus on anything even the day after I used it, so I think it could potentially be successful in limiting my survival instincts.

I'm having trouble with impulsive purchasing as it relates to DPH and DXM. I have trouble with it generally but I've wasted so much money on both of these things just to make sure I don't run out. £40 in the past week and I've got another £15 in my cart.

I don't know, I just feel really sorry for myself right now, I'm exhausted, unwell and laying in bed.

 

[SoLowHollow48]

Sorry. I didn't get to look much into your account if you've said this somewhere but have you tried getting treatments? Isn't it better to get a diagnosis on what you're having first than to veer off the deep end this soon?

I could read here that you enjoy art. You're currently, once again based on what I'm reading, happy with a guy. Yet, these thoughts are plaguing you everyday, every night. It makes things harder to enjoy.

Perhaps it's depression. Perhaps it's more physical than psychological (I heard that ailments related to thyroid can alter a person's mental wellness).

I'm not pressuring you to get better. No one is here. I'm asking you if you've exerted all options on the table right now.

If you have and you still want to wear your white button down, I am, we are no one to stop you.

Godspeed, girlie.

Also, I'm sorry that your friends left you like that. That's fucked up.

 

[burninghill]

Sorry. I didn't get to look much into your account if you've said this somewhere but have you tried getting treatments? Isn't it better to get a diagnosis on what you're having first than to veer off the deep end this soon?

I could read here that you enjoy art. You're currently, once again based on what I'm reading, happy with a guy. Yet, these thoughts are plaguing you everyday, every night. It makes things harder to enjoy.

Perhaps it's depression. Perhaps it's more physical than psychological (I heard that ailments related to thyroid can alter a person's mental wellness).

I'm not pressuring you to get better. No one is here. I'm asking you if you've exerted all options on the table right now.

If you have and you still want to wear your white button down, I am, we are no one to stop you.

Godspeed, girlie.

Also, I'm sorry that your friends left you like that. That's fucked up.

I've tried what's accessible to me which is mostly talking therapies and counselling, my family wouldn't support me trying to get formal diagnoses of any kind, unfortunately. I also just don't have the willpower to get better, I sort of enjoy the idea of killing myself, not even necessarily because of the relief it's just… I don't know how to explain, I just enjoy thinking about it and planning it.

I guess it's not fair for me to complain about being miserable knowing I don't want advice or to improve in any capacity.

Mitski reference :) thank you for your comment. Honestly talking to people on here makes me feel a little less insane, and I've grown to recognise your username on here. Even just this helps.

 

[SoLowHollow48]

I've tried what's accessible to me which is mostly talking therapies and counselling, my family wouldn't support me trying to get formal diagnoses of any kind, unfortunately. I also just don't have the willpower to get better, I sort of enjoy the idea of killing myself, not even necessarily because of the relief it's just… I don't know how to explain, I just enjoy thinking about it and planning it.

I guess it's not fair for me to complain about being miserable knowing I don't want advice or to improve in any capacity.

Mitski reference :) thank you for your comment. Honestly talking to people on here makes me feel a little less insane, and I've grown to recognise your username on here. Even just this helps.

I saw that username and I was like "hol on-"

Would it be possible to use up some of your savings to get a proper diagnosis behind their back? If not, it's fine. Again, I'm not pushing. Just sad that an artist is bound to die. Y'all made fandoms so much livelier and life so much more tasteful (albeit pretentious at times, I like it). Like, who gives a shit about what color goes with what?????

Anyways, yeah. Even if this is the end goal, I hope that you get to at least find new friends to hang out with first and be able to get with all the hot people you meet in Bristol.

 

[burninghill]

I saw that username and I was like "hol on-"

Would it be possible to use up some of your savings to get a proper diagnosis behind their back? If not, it's fine. Again, I'm not pushing. Just sad that an artist is bound to die. Y'all made fandoms so much livelier and life so much more tasteful (albeit pretentious at times, I like it). Like, who gives a shit about what color goes with what?????

Anyways, yeah. Even if this is the end goal, I hope that you get to at least find new friends to hang out with first and be able to get with all the hot people you meet in Bristol.

Yeah, I do have a lot of savings. I could probably get a diagnosis if I wanted to but I'm not really sure where that would land me. I really appreciate you believing in that I can get better. It does feel good to post on here and not just be told 'good luck' sometimes.

I really hope your week has gone well so far. You deserve it to have.