Even though it's pretty irrational, a voice in my head starts to say something like "maybe you'll make it out alright" when I come to the place I decided to end it all. My chronic health issue didn't heal and it seems it needs another surgery. I've already endured 3 of those during last 10 years. And I don't wanna do it again. Even if everything goes ok, my life is already ruined and there's no point in it. It's just a continuation of the sufferings. It's very scary to leave my mother and tell her that I'm going to my friend... But it's a tangent. Anyway, I'm so fucking tired of the primitive desire to live, it's like I'm an animal who has no clue that they can kill themselves and chooses to slowly dying due to some kind of predicament.
So I guess now I'm gonna go to the doctor tomorrow to hear that I need a surgery, to make my hopefulness go away and be sure that I'm losing nothing by this decision.
Why does this "hopeful" thing work only when everything's totally fucked, i don't get it. It's as if my brain sends some chemicals it restricted before. And it's while I'm in pain, and knowing what kind of sufferings await me with the surgery
I guess the most scary thing is that the more you grow older, the more shit you accept as a normal way of living. Teens who do it early are the smartest people in the world even tho they didn't understand it themselves
I guess it's a kind of "SI", don't know how to beat it. I'm also so scared of dying because my mother and cat are alive. It makes my heart break to lie to her about my wellbeing so she won't suspect I'm going out to try to kill myself
Sorry, it's more of a rant than discussion, but what are ways to beat your irrational desire for life? It's like I got a severe injury with no medics around and still hope to live happy life, wtf
So I guess now I'm gonna go to the doctor tomorrow to hear that I need a surgery, to make my hopefulness go away and be sure that I'm losing nothing by this decision.
Why does this "hopeful" thing work only when everything's totally fucked, i don't get it. It's as if my brain sends some chemicals it restricted before. And it's while I'm in pain, and knowing what kind of sufferings await me with the surgery
I guess the most scary thing is that the more you grow older, the more shit you accept as a normal way of living. Teens who do it early are the smartest people in the world even tho they didn't understand it themselves
I guess it's a kind of "SI", don't know how to beat it. I'm also so scared of dying because my mother and cat are alive. It makes my heart break to lie to her about my wellbeing so she won't suspect I'm going out to try to kill myself
Sorry, it's more of a rant than discussion, but what are ways to beat your irrational desire for life? It's like I got a severe injury with no medics around and still hope to live happy life, wtf
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