Already Gone6
Member
- Jul 31, 2023
- 77
Hey guys, I know I am a new member but i've been a lurker for... mmm... maybe 6 months or so, doing research and reading other peoples threads. I've decided it's time. I am drinking tonight and feeling sure on my decision. I am going with partial hanging so starting tommorow I will make my first attempt. I am going to try and find the carotid artery until successful. If I fail I will keep trying every day that I can. (have the house to myself probably every day of the week, not weekends)
I will share my story why not.
I am 30 years old, male. Not much too interesting to share. I was always the overweight outcast growing up, made fun of and bullied in school. When I turned 17 I had some luck. I discovered lifting weights and also had a lot of cash because when I was 3 years old I was on a 3-wheeler bicycle and drove into the street and was hit by a legally blind driver. He was sued and when I turned 18 I had settlements coming in of tens of thousands of dollars until the age 24. Also I was able to get even more in a short time because those j.g. wentworth type companies who pay out lump sums of cash for settlements (I signed over the incriments, they paid me one huge payout).
So yeah, I lost a shit ton of weight, looked very 'aesthetic' and partied my ass off. I had a lot of sexual encounter. One of my first I was literally pulled into a threesome. After a few failed relationships I met this one girl. She was beyond beautiful. She also was my best friend. Was a very nice 8 months I guess although lately i've been getting past that infatuation and don't care to talk about it because in the end we broke up and when I tried to contact her years later she ghosted me and was with someone else.
At 18 or 19, can't remember I started becoming mentally unwell. I had several cars because all the money and I crashed two of them that I had owned at one time. One of them I was coming from a party drunk, angry and floored it when I turned into my apartment complex and lost control and crashed into a wall. The other was one of my favorite cars, a white Firebird that I was fleeing from the coppers after some girls I was with shoplifted some bottles and I made a sharp right turn at a very high speed and crashed into a stop sign (the irony)
All downhill from there. Lost contact with every friend I knew, grew depressed and at 20 years old had a psychotic break that ended me up in the hospital. I took some meds for a few months threw them away and tried to pick up my life again. It was unsuccessful. So much family abuse in that time, it was crazy. I tried exercising again and peaked at a very high point but it ended up even worse. I was exercising 7 days a week doing intense cardio and had the worst panic attacks of my life after dropping weight uncontrolably and ended up in hospital again on my 24th birthday. After that have been medicated since for 6 years. No car, no job, no relationships. Just suffering. I've tried getting off the meds, changing the meds, nothing works. I am just done.
I feel regret that it took me so long to get to this point where I wanna ctb but also thankful I didn't end up too old and homeless. Lately i've been thinking about all the beautiful women I knew in my life and feel thankful having been able to share their world and vise versa. I feel (maybe delusional) but their spirits sort of ushering me into ctb. Almost as if they are saying "There was so much beauty, even though you lost it, it's still there waiting on the other side".
Can't wait to see what is on the other side. It's funny every single person dies and not one person definitively knows and can share what is really on the other side. Fascinating. Anyhow, THANK YOU for these forums. The resources here are incredible as well as the community I didn't really get to interact with was also very cool. I'm so sorry you are all in so much pain. But it doesn't last forever. Either you get better and move on or you will be successful with ctb and it's over as well. Best of luck to everyone here with what you decide and I truly hope you all, myself included, can find the peace we deserve after so much suffering endured in this terrible life.
I will share my story why not.
I am 30 years old, male. Not much too interesting to share. I was always the overweight outcast growing up, made fun of and bullied in school. When I turned 17 I had some luck. I discovered lifting weights and also had a lot of cash because when I was 3 years old I was on a 3-wheeler bicycle and drove into the street and was hit by a legally blind driver. He was sued and when I turned 18 I had settlements coming in of tens of thousands of dollars until the age 24. Also I was able to get even more in a short time because those j.g. wentworth type companies who pay out lump sums of cash for settlements (I signed over the incriments, they paid me one huge payout).
So yeah, I lost a shit ton of weight, looked very 'aesthetic' and partied my ass off. I had a lot of sexual encounter. One of my first I was literally pulled into a threesome. After a few failed relationships I met this one girl. She was beyond beautiful. She also was my best friend. Was a very nice 8 months I guess although lately i've been getting past that infatuation and don't care to talk about it because in the end we broke up and when I tried to contact her years later she ghosted me and was with someone else.
At 18 or 19, can't remember I started becoming mentally unwell. I had several cars because all the money and I crashed two of them that I had owned at one time. One of them I was coming from a party drunk, angry and floored it when I turned into my apartment complex and lost control and crashed into a wall. The other was one of my favorite cars, a white Firebird that I was fleeing from the coppers after some girls I was with shoplifted some bottles and I made a sharp right turn at a very high speed and crashed into a stop sign (the irony)
All downhill from there. Lost contact with every friend I knew, grew depressed and at 20 years old had a psychotic break that ended me up in the hospital. I took some meds for a few months threw them away and tried to pick up my life again. It was unsuccessful. So much family abuse in that time, it was crazy. I tried exercising again and peaked at a very high point but it ended up even worse. I was exercising 7 days a week doing intense cardio and had the worst panic attacks of my life after dropping weight uncontrolably and ended up in hospital again on my 24th birthday. After that have been medicated since for 6 years. No car, no job, no relationships. Just suffering. I've tried getting off the meds, changing the meds, nothing works. I am just done.
I feel regret that it took me so long to get to this point where I wanna ctb but also thankful I didn't end up too old and homeless. Lately i've been thinking about all the beautiful women I knew in my life and feel thankful having been able to share their world and vise versa. I feel (maybe delusional) but their spirits sort of ushering me into ctb. Almost as if they are saying "There was so much beauty, even though you lost it, it's still there waiting on the other side".
Can't wait to see what is on the other side. It's funny every single person dies and not one person definitively knows and can share what is really on the other side. Fascinating. Anyhow, THANK YOU for these forums. The resources here are incredible as well as the community I didn't really get to interact with was also very cool. I'm so sorry you are all in so much pain. But it doesn't last forever. Either you get better and move on or you will be successful with ctb and it's over as well. Best of luck to everyone here with what you decide and I truly hope you all, myself included, can find the peace we deserve after so much suffering endured in this terrible life.
