I'm glad you spoke with your older sister. I don't know how many sisters you have, but I have one and she is my older sister. We talk pretty openly - I imagine if I told her I had SN and I explained to her what it is, she'd want me to burn it, too.
I am
NOT suggesting you do what I'd do, I'm only putting or imagining myself in that situation and I'm certain I'd hide the SN well and lie to my sister that I got rid of it. Again,
NOT suggesting you do this (lie to your sister and do what I would do) - for as open as I am with my sister and vice versa, we do have secrets as well.
As others have remarked, and easier said than done, please try to go easy on yourself. Whichever path you choose, that's for you to decide when and where and how. And many times, even the best laid plans go awry.
Hugs, @nofun.intended
i have one older biological sister, and then i also have two younger half-sisters and one younger half-brother. me and my older sister have literally been through hell together. we've both endured abuse from our father. i think of it as him using me as his punching bag, and using my sister as his girlfriend. we've moved together from family member to family member because our own parents were unable to step up and be the parents they signed up to be.
every family household we've lived in, i've always felt like a burden. like i'm just taking up space, and that our family didn't
really want to take us in, but they felt obligated to since they didn't want us going into foster care. well guess what? my sister is in a foster home right now and she honestly hasn't been doing better. she's going to be graduating nursing college next year, and wants to be a travel nurse.
me on the other hand, moved out of my aunt and uncles house right after i graduated high school because i couldn't stand being such a fucking bother and a burden to them anymore. i wanted my own space, where i could take care of myself the way i felt i deserved. i just wanted to finally start feeling better. i did for a little bit, but being an adult with no role model to use as an example is really hard. i have no idea what i'm doing and i hate all of the uncertainty. it's scary. it's intimidating. i don't feel quite ready for it yet, but i can't go back to the last family i was living with because they "don't wish to speak to me anymore" after i told my aunt how her husband would make moves on me when she wasn't home & shit.
i feel like college is out of the question because i need to be spending my paychecks on rent. i'm gonna be spending more money on rent soon (hopefully if i can get myself a studio or 1BR apartment). if i want to be able to afford a higher rent and still have money to be able to put into savings, then i should have a job that pays better. but guess what else? you need a fucking college degree to qualify for a real living-wage job out here. it's straight ballsack.
my sister had me put the SN and meto in my car before i left for her house for the weekend. she knows it's in there, and i'm pretty sure she wants to be a part of getting rid of it. if anything, i can just buy more from the same websites i used before. but that's if i come to the decision that life & trying really isn't worth it.
Wow this was a ride to read but like a beautiful one...
I'm glad you opened up to your older sister and she gave u some fuel to keep going. Sibling relationships that are good/supportive can be such a motivator to keep living. It's a truly beautiful thing. It almost makes me wanna contact my older brother... almost...
Also thnxxx so much for sharing about the sore throat spray I didn't know these existed!!! Def gonna buy it for myself given the throat problems I often have. I'm feeling excited now bc damn all I want when my throat is sore is to eat
Anyway this post was inspiring. Whatever you choose on your own journey I wish you the best with it
yeah, i've used the throat spray in the past when i would be sick. it really does numb the whole area and it works for a good amount of time too. it could be useful for giving head as well, now that i think about it
I hope you manage to find happiness and a purpose. It sounds like you have decent people around you. I hope you begin to feel better OP. Sorry the plan didn't work out the way you thought it would, but everything happens for a reason.
that's very true... the universe works in strange ways
As wonderful as it is for your sister to do what she did, I couldn't ever possibly tell my older brother about SN at all, like ever even if we are quite close seeing as he said he trusts me more than anyone else but I almost feel like I don't want to jeopardize my own plan to take SN at some point in the near future since I've put into countless hours into researching it inside and outside of this forum for my own awareness of what I was doing and understanding the risks. I've always said that if I were to ever get rid of my SN, it would have to be something I honestly want to do because I may have second thoughts if I did it for someone else and it turned out to be something I regret later on because as supportive as sibling relationships are, I have a very difficult completely trusting anyone enough to let them know about anything like this.
If I were you, as @Kerrtu said, may think of hiding it because it's easier said than done to just drop it and let it go like that. also burning SN may be a bad idea since it is very flammable so you don't want something that could go wrong there so that's just my two cents. Everyone has secrets after all
Again, i must say that it's great that it all went well for you considering I honestly thought you'd attempt to ctb.
i do kind of wish that i didn't tell her about the SN. it felt like my own little secret weapon that i had. no one would have ever guessed that that's how i'd choose to go. maybe i can get around her and hide it somewhere. i wasn't super on board with the idea of burning it, cause my first thought was "omg what if it's something that shouldn't be burned and we cause like, a fucking forest fire?"
you're also right. it's so much easier said than done to just be like "oh, i don't want to ctb anymore, i'm going to keep living this awesome amazing life where i have no idea what i'm doing and what steps i should be taking next!" it feels weird. it felt weird planning my death and almost going through with it, and it feels weird now that i've chosen life over death. everything feels weird. i don't feel like the same person i used to be.
Life is full of Curveballs like this don't be hard on yourself. I hope all goes well for you and you can find the life you want to life and not just one to live for others.
thank you for the kind words. i really hope so, too
